My wife had three kids when I got with her and I have tried every thing to get them to love me.?

Question

I tell the kids I love them ,and I suport them.Im at the graduations with the camcorder.I listen to them even though I dont agree.I dont have any biological kids.but thats ok I try my very best to give them that love.there father use to jump on there mother I stoped that .when I had a man to man with him he said he was going to move away and never come back.I told him He dont have to do that .I wanted him to have a relationship with his kids.I would never chase a man from his babies.Even though I just wanted a little of the love because I grew up without my father and I gave them what I did not have.Tell me what can I do to get them to love me .I shold not be cheated twice in life no father of my own and now this what else can I do my wife cant have kids and I thought about adoption .I thought about it.Sincearly Eugene B

I have been with my wife 7 years,the and a few years before marrige .oldest is 21,18 ,15.we have been together since they were small. I have grey hair now and it bothers me

Answer 1

Welcome to the club. I am a parent with 3 children and they are having to adjust to a stepfather as well. It really hurts to, because he does everything that he possibly can for the children, and they treat him like dirt. We will be been married for 2 years and it takes time for children to adjust from one relationship to another just as it does people. It is not easy and yes with you growing up without a father makes it harder trying to do it, but just keep trying and don't give up. Do not let them see that they can get the best of you, because if you do this, they will . Pray to God above for the direction and guidance that your life should go. Sit down and openly discuss your feelings with your wife. If you both truly love one another and feel the same love between the 2 of you, then you should sit down and talk and then you should sit down with the children and have a heart to heart talk with them and let them know that you love them, and you know that you cannot take the place of their real father, but you are there, as I have told my husband, to be the fatherly figure to them and provide for them what you can.
It is hard for all peole in these types of situations and you are not by yourself, we are faced with this every day and some days are better than others and then other days it is like all HELL broke loose again. I will pray for you and you pray for us.

Answer 2

Well,first you can;'t make someone love you or have feelings for you-they decide that. If you've been supportive and have done all you can then be at peace in your heart and stand back a little -perhaps you try a bit too hard. It may also be that they resent you being married to their mother or resent that you are a better man than their father and may never show you the love you want.Then accept it . Continue being a substitute father but don't beat yourself about it either. You sound like you are a very nice man and you have the love of your wife, the love of God and you should also love yourself. Have you ever checked into fostering.?
You can be a Respite Foster parent-only on weekends and you choose the weekends-kids have foster parents but go to Respite family once a month so foster parents can have a break. Or be a full time Foster parent-I've don it since 1998 and it is so rewarding for the children give me joy. You can also be a Mentor-where you do some activity with a child once a week for sev. hours. Contact DFCS and find out. Or adopt. But theres no guarantee to feelings. You can do all for someone but no guarantee they will love you as you now know. I wish you a long and happy life filled with love.

Answer 3

Eugene, I applaud your efforts to get close with your step children and get them to love you. But don't get too desperate in making them love you. The moment will come when they will need you or ask for your help on something that means the world to them and just be prepared to recognize those kind of situations. In the mean time, don't try too hard to win them. Continue loving them and supporting them, eventually they will love you even if they haven't realized it. How old are these kids anyway? Teenagers are the most difficult to budge. My advise is be more patient and stay in their lives. Show them how much you are a part of their family now and you're not going to leave, love their Mom everyday.

About the adoption part, I'm not too sure you should. I mean, three kids is a lot. You wouldn't want this adopted child to feel out of place by his step brothers and sisters, would you? It will be difficult for them to accept another one. And they might even think you needed to adopt because you can't see them are your own children. Ask your wife if she agrees and talk about the pros and cons of adopting. The two of you should make this decision. Goodluck!

Answer 4

You didn't mention how old where the kids, how long have you been married to your wife...they probably feel their father left because of you. ...they could be holding that against you.....this is how they think. But my advise to you is stop trying...to make them love you it should come naturally as they grow older, they will realize...you are the real father the one that gave them love and attention (Men like you come once in a life time)...And your wife should love you even more. Remember a real father is the one ..that stay and raise the children well not the one that made them...good luck...wish you well..

Answer 5

First of all, lemme congratulate you on your stepping up and loving these kids as your own. I have a tremendous amount of respect for fathers who step up to the plate. I agree with you. Why be cheated twice in life? However, you cant force people to love you. It just has to happen. Some kids just don't understand situations or they just try to ignore it because they cant face the facts. I dont think that your wife's kids fully understand that you make her happy and make many sacrifices to help them out. Maybe they still need time to heal from the scars their father left before you came into the picture. I bet it's a crucial time for them right now. Your giving it your all. Just keep trying. Dont get discouraged. Have you tried talking to them? Ask them how they feel about their emotions, how they feel about you being around and their understanding that you do have some authority now and care for them alot. Don't expect something overnight. Time is essence. Maybe you can talk to your wife and ask her to talk to the children. Whatever happens, just stick it out. Patience is very important as well. Someday these kids will understand your role in their lives and thank you. As for adoption, are you ready for an additional heart to care for? I wish you the best of luck and take care....

Answer 6

Look, no mater what you do those kids will never love like a father. I understnad your wish. I've grown up without a father and truth be told, they may be like me, and never want a man to try and even fill that spot. I know you never want to replace their father but no matter how it is that is the way it will always seem. Just let them have their space but also continue to be there for them. Just please try and understnad. They need you as a friend, not a father. I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear but it is what they may feel. Just be their friend.

Answer 7

Just be yourself. Stop trying too hard. It sounds like you love them if they were your own, but you can't make them love you back. Same would go for your wife right? I mean, if you loved her with all of your heart, but she didn't love you back, would you keep trying? The only difference is that the kids are a BIG part of her life. You can't make anyone love you. You can only show them kindness and love, and hope to get it back.

Best advice I can give is to realize that no matter what you do, they will only love you on their terms if THEY want to. Nothing more you can do, except be understanding to your wife and love her for who she is.

Answer 8

You can't make anyone love you. If you treat them as nicely as you say, and are equally supportive of their endeavors, they will come to love you, or at least respect you. Depending on the age they were when you married their mother, they may never come to view you as a father figure, or it may take a LONG time, especially if they were close to their biological father. By loving and supporting them you will gain their adoration. By trying to force them to love you, or trying to replace their father, you have nothing to gain but their resentment.

Answer 9

I believe your trying to hard. Its time for you to be firm yet fair. The need some space the kida lost thier father and thier mother has a new guy in the house it most be really uncomfortable for them. I think you didn't give them time to relax and think about things in the first place. To them its like you keep raining on them after a bucket of water was thrown in thier faces. Relax and be sincear and they will too

Answer 10

you can't make them love you ,sorry! but what you can do is no matter how thet act toward let them know you'r there to stay,and you only want the best for there mother,i mean you haveto think about what they've been through with there father it's going to be hard to trust another man with there mother,and if there older they'll come around once they realize your not going anywhere if there not to stubborn, oh yeah please dont try to hard ,children can sense this good luck