if my father has done bad things to me in the past, but i forgave him for it.....should i let him see his granddaughter when she is born.? its not because im mad at him its just because he was abusive.and i dont want her to be around him on a regular basis or in her life but i dont want his granddaughter to not see him at all. would depriving my grandaughter of her grandfather be right if he was abusive in the past?and trust me my daughter would never be around my dad without me or my babys father standing right there with him at all times...
2006-08-18 19:30:45 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
and please dont waist my time or yours..if you want to write some dumb crap just cause you can that is not intended to help that really is just pointless...so if that was your intention..get a friggin life and go find a chat room to do that crap
2006-08-18 19:32:53 · update #1
Is he still an abusive person? Some people change when they get older. The reason I am saying this is because over the years I was told that one of my grandpas was really strict...mean even...where everyone had to walk on eggshells around him. Beat the kids butts for spilling their milk and things like that. Well, I could hardly believe it, because I had him for 26 years and I NEVER EVER EVER saw that side of him. He was the sweetest person I ever knew...but he also turned his life around and committed himself to God and that changed him too.
Some people are strict to the point of abuse to their own children because they want/expect them to be perfect. Then when the grandchildren come along it's a totally different story.
I agree don't let them be alone, but as long as you're there and it's supervised you'll probably be ok. Make sure he knows how you feel also. Tell him your fears.
It's really sad that you and your child have to even be thinking about this. Nobody should ever have to make this kind of choice, because their parent couldn't control themself and their anger. Good luck hon. Maybe your baby will change him. Babies change a lot of people. They're precious!
2006-08-18 20:07:30 · answer #1 · answered by Lonesome Dove 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I actually have this problem as well. I had an abusive person in my past. He sees my children only at large gatherings where I am always directly near. I never go in order to visit with him directly. I chose not to ostracize myself from the entire family, so those are the only occasions when my children are near him. They are not however close, and I don't believe he has ever really touched them. My children don't really know who he is, and he is their grandfather.
Forgiveness or not, you have to protect your children. Only you know the type of abuse (not that any is better than the other) and what type of sick person it takes to do these things to children. People may change, but I am a pessimist, I am not taking chances with my kids, and you shouldn't either.
So in your situation I would say, the baby will meet that grandfather at the next family gathering, but don't go out of your way to save his feelings. The baby will never know the difference provided he or she has a supportive family in other aspects.
2006-08-18 19:36:26 · answer #2 · answered by jen 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It depends on the kind of abuse. If it was physical or emotional abuse, then having you and/or your baby's father right there would be enough - you could remove her from his presence if anything came up.
If the abuse was sexual, keep him the hell away from your baby. It would be like dangling a hunk of meat in front of a starving dog: sooner or later, he'll take a bite, and unlike other kinds of abuse, there are no triggers that you can avoid. He'll ALWAYS be watching for a chance to get to her, or her friends when she's older - and her friends' parents won't know not to leave them alone with him.
2006-08-18 19:40:46 · answer #3 · answered by triviatm 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A grandfather is a bonus. A mother is a necessity. A father figure is also a necessity. If your daughter has a father in her life then the grandfather is not necessary. It is absolutely your decision. You are her mother and your job is to protect and prepare her for life. If you are certain she can have a positive experience with him, then it's up to you - but you don't have to.
2006-08-18 19:44:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have forgiven him, & that's great for you as it releases you from your past. But has he seeken professional help? Has he been cured? How much control would you have over being constantly present when's he's there? So many situations could arise where you have to leave them alone. And wouldn't your daughter, as she grows up, become suspicious if you dont let her be alone with her grandfather?
I think you should answer those questions for yourself & base your decision on them.
2006-08-18 19:42:34 · answer #5 · answered by Zeina 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's a decision that you have to make for yourself. The advice that you shouldn't leave your daughter around him is obviously sound and you should take it to heart. I don't have to like a person who has done something wrong to me in the past; but to live a full, fruitful life and to be a healthy person I do have to find it in myself to forgive that person. I commend you for being able to do so. It's a hard thing to do. Pray about it.
2006-08-18 19:53:54 · answer #6 · answered by Queevil 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your father has changed, if he is not abusive anymore, and if he is sorry that he was abusive before, then I see no good reason why you wouldn't let him have a grandfatherly relationship with your daughter.
But if you have doubts about whether he really changed or whether he is sorry about being abusive in the past, then of course you should protect your daughter and keep her away from your dad. And if he asks you about it, then you should tell him the truth.
2006-08-18 19:45:19 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
if you think that he will be a positive part of your child's life, then by all means yes. but only as long as you feel comfortable with it as well. obviously, you are not certain since you arebothering to ask this. you are the only one that that knows your past with him,. if he is of any threat to the baby, keep him as far away as possible. but if you feel ok with him around as long as you or the baby's dad are there, then ok. only you know what is going to make you comfortable, and what is just going to seem wrong to you. if it seems too wrong or too uncomfortable, well then you baby is going to be super happy and have a womderful life without knowing her grandfather.
2006-08-18 19:39:30 · answer #8 · answered by alice k 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think ..u just have to be more careful in dealing such matters....u can't separate grand child & grand parents. May be yr dad has changed over theses year but don't take this for granted...make sure that u r around all the time .....and always make family get together....make sure it's a gethering of many ppl.....see his movement n u should know how is he reaction towards yr child....give him a chance ......but .........what ever it is he is yr dad....eery body does mistakes espeacilly during younger days..\
2006-08-18 19:44:27 · answer #9 · answered by Ynot78 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
yes you should let him in her life. It would not be fair to your daughter if you never let her see her grandpa. She could in time grow to resent you for makeing her miss out on spending time with her grandpa when she is little. childern need there family all of there family, even if he was abusive in the past he is still a member of you family. Just dont leave her in a postion where he might mistreat her.
2006-08-18 19:41:59 · answer #10 · answered by Speak freely 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋