i've been working on this poem...just wondering what you think!
and sometimes i wonder...
why we have arms...
when all we use them for is pain.
for this i constantly ponder...
do u agree or am i just insane?
hurt, lust, and selfishness...
support, trust, and helpfulness...
which one are you?
can you honestly choose?
2006-08-18 16:59:04 · 30 answers · asked by buttheadhatesyou 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
Its nice and to the point....You'll at least get a hug out of him.
Hope its want you want.
2006-08-18 17:15:06 · answer #1 · answered by Glune 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your work is very personal and it's based on a real experience. Your poem says [to me, anyway] that you have much more to say about the subject and you WANT someone to ask you about the story behind it.
My advice is to start a journal at this time in your life to get what's locked up out into the open. Then, experiment with writing poetry on many different subjects.
I'm not a fan of formal rhyme and rarely write in that form, myself.
For that reason, I liked your second verse the best. In fact, it could stand on its own. Good work!
The most important thing is to keep writing, and if your problems are so overwhelming that journaling or other creative outlets don't give you relief, then by all means, find a therapist you can talk to. God bless...
2006-08-18 17:16:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Line 1 Starting with "and" is too artsy. In fact, the whole thing makes me gag because you are trying to sound like this deep thinker and the reader is suposed to say " Oh yeah, it never occurred to me to ponder that but it is so true."
Line 2 Ha ha ha, I think to myself, the author is making fun of the artsy poet. Satire? I mean, I can't even make arms seem mysterious even when trying hard. I'd be afraid to lose my grasp on the things that really matter.
line 3 Ok. Now I start to see what you're getting at, you poor battered person, Yes, I'll pay you some pitty.
line 4 Constantly ponder? Get a life!
Line 5 I can relate to this feeling. everybody gets insecure and needs validation.
Lines 6 and 7 Excellent rythm. I like the complexity.
Line 8 Can't say I want to identify myself as the source of the author's pain. Try to appeal to your audience as a source for your healing. We like to think of ourselves that way.
Line 9 Are you questioning my integrity?
2006-08-18 17:37:12 · answer #3 · answered by hoodoohannah 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad, not bad; in fact it's quite good, but a few things bring the quality down:
1. The elipses make the poem terribly pretentious.
2. So does starting it with "and", but that's not as bad as the elipses.
3. The bit about "why (do) we have arms when all we use them for is pain" - huh? It sounds profound but - well - it just isn't the case. Who uses arms for pain? What does that mean? It's way too obscure. I suggest you try a word other than "arms". Hearts, maybe? Brains? Minds? Souls?
IMHO.
2006-08-18 17:15:29 · answer #4 · answered by B D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it. A few suggestions I would make, possibly change the word insane, it seems overly negative towards the speaker, and maybe modify the last line to "honestly can you choose". It depends on your style and what you want to express in the poem. The first two lines of the second stanza are creative, great use of form.
2006-08-18 17:09:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok a real critique from a real music maker... i think of it rather is dark, and it would artwork o.k. in some heavy rock band. it rather is superb for that. I even have many stuff to this effect written that i'm no longer able to apply for the variety of music I presently do make. keep doing what you're doing... it rather is a super initiate! sturdy luck to you!
2016-09-29 10:36:04 · answer #6 · answered by schugmann 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay..honestly the only thing I feel should be changed is the last verse oughta be the first one..turn them around..see what I mean?..the second one can be drawn from the first one the way you have it written,it seems backward to me..just my opinion tho...=)
2006-08-18 17:08:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The meter is off
if you care for that sort of a thing
however kudos to you for nothing given a rat's a.rse for convention
2006-08-18 17:04:36 · answer #8 · answered by TheMetallian 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you using lowercase letters to make a point or just because you're lazy? And spell out the word 'you'. Chatspeak is for idiots ;)
2006-08-18 17:05:56 · answer #9 · answered by smileyangel22688 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
LMFAO!! Nan, don't be mean!
Honestly, love, I thought it was a beautiful poem.
2006-08-18 17:03:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋