My husband had an affair with one of my friends when I was pregnant with our second child. It's been 3 years and I can't let it go. We've tried counseling (twice). My feelings have changed. He wants it to work and I do know he loves me, but I don't love him like I used to. I am only here because of the girls. I can't even remember the last time we were intimate. I have no desires. His family is great and I know it would devistate them and my family. But I am just not happy. (My family has no clue about the affair). His does, but act likes it never happened and I need to get over it. I need advice. Thanks.
2006-08-18 16:15:27 · 73 answers · asked by kmh17545 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ok, you asked for it, I will give you the only possible solution to your problem...and at this point, it is soley your problem. Sorry to be so blunt. You stayed with the guy after you found out, he cannot undo the past, but you can undo your feelings....get the hell over it. What do you plan to do, cut your nose of to spite your face, and cut his nuts off at the same time???? He wants to stay, I am sure he has told you how sorry and stupid he is...now, either leave him and stop puninshing him, or Get over it, forget it, turn on your love again....you are withholding love to punish him...doesn't make much sense to me, you are hurting yourself just as much as you are hurting him. If you continue down this path, you are sure to drive him away...no one will put up with being punished forever. You can do it, I certainly have in the past, lived to love another day...and in reality. BIG DEAL...he stepped out on you. Worse things have happened in your life and his, certainly in mine...OR PERHAPS you want to see him dead?? Think about that one..how would you feel if he goes to work on Monday and you NEVER see him again? Good luck
2006-08-18 16:26:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you want to leave him then that is up to you and no-one else, no matter what other people say, its your life and you are the one in Control of your life, no one else!! If you ae not happy you must make your self Happy!! Or your kids will never be happy!! Because you are not!!! I don't beleive in staying for the kids sake, that is an accuse too !! Kids aren't happy when the parents aren't getting alone !!! Sometimes they are better off when you leave !! I forgave my spouse too about 3 yrs ago he done the same thing, an affair!!! After 10 yrs marriage, makes you wonder if this was just the first time that you happen to catch them?? Don't it?? !! who knows? Only they Know!! But i try not thinking about it and had to let it go but i pray if he ever does wrong again that i find out and have to have faith God will let me know!!! I will deal with it if or when it happens and i choose to be happy now!! And not worry about What IF??? !! Cause he is the Stupid One if he does it agian!! You know the saying--- Shame on you, but if you do it twice ,Shame on me!!! If i don't leave!!! I just think everybody desrives One chance and thats all !! No one is perfect and alot of men cheat, look it up, the percentage is really High!!!! Then they always or most always want their wife back!! How dumb are these men?? is what I say !!! They think they can have it all or what?? I well tell you even after you can forgive, you will never forget, and you will NEVER NEVER feel the same about him !! You change inside and i think you get Stronger!!! So if he does it again you can Leave, alot eaiser too !! Cause they break your heart and your heart gets harder every time!!!
2006-08-25 17:17:20 · answer #2 · answered by sports_runner_racing 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife cheated for three years, 25 years ago. We had 1 child before, we had 2 more afterwards. They would not be here now, if I devorce as I almost did, they are so beautiful too. She passed away several years ago. She loved me and did everything to make me happy. I did love her but, you never forget, and sometimes when these memories come and you start to think, than it hurts all over again. My in-laws also thought I should get over it. It's the hardest thing to get over, but remember it will never hurt like this, if happens again. She truly regretted and always carried the weight with her, was so jealous and terrified that I would do it to her. That bothered me too. You can only decide, for better or worst, I stayed. She was the best wife and mother thereafter that could, be. I am sure that I was some to blame too, but there is never anyone else that makes them do it. Think in the long run she lost the most, she could never have all of my heart.
2006-08-25 14:43:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In most states and you need to check with your state but you need to be in a marriaga for 10 years to get an equal amount of the things you have bought and paid for together. I say stay at least 10 years and save money in a seperate bank account, start your own credit if you havent already, make plans before you leave and learn everything you can about your financial situation. use this time to get a degree so you can get a good job after you do leave, you will need strong support and be willing to deal with the after effects. When a marriage does end sometimes your husband will turn into a complete stranger so get ready and use your time wisely. Do what you need to do for yourself and no one else. Your family will support you but your in-laws will change. I am going thru this now and wish I had had this advice 5 years ago. I stayed 5 years too long with a controlling man for the sake of grandchildren. Good luck...
2006-08-25 18:54:50 · answer #4 · answered by ncgirl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really feel for you..it sounds like you are in quite the situation...I guess you ultimately need to decide if you can trust him again and that he realizes how much he and your friend betrayed you. You are going to have to find a way to let this go and get on with your life with him and your girls...and if you can't, both him and his family will have to realize that what he did was WRONG and you deserve to be happy and the only way you can is to be able to love and trust in a person...it just may not be him..as far as your family not knowing goes..you not telling them is keeping you from having their support around you, if that's what you want..just try to keep an open mind about what their opinions and advice might be..it could be good advice or bad..good luck..
2006-08-26 10:40:13 · answer #5 · answered by Brenda 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is your problem? He did something 3 years ago and you can't decide??? Choose the better alternative. Forgive him and stay for the sake of your girls and family. It is easy for us to say that you should leave but you have to face life all alone. The kids will be better if both parents stay together. You are going to spoil 3 lives just to satisfy your own ego.
He is acting mean because you don't love him any more. Start loving him and see the difference. You have to get your feelings under control. Don't cry over spilt milk. Life is great if you both decide to ride out the crisis. Just spare a thought for him. What is he supposed to do when you are pregnant and he wants sex? if he made a mistake and repents and is loyal to you now, why do you want to punish him and yourself? Don't brood so much. Forgive and forget.
2006-08-26 07:37:32 · answer #6 · answered by StraightDrive 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even if you leave. This problem you have will follow you. You will have trouble trusting. It will haunt you, but you can stay and deal or leave and let it ruin future relationships. It is not an easy decision to make. But you have to decide. Make a list, I know it sounds too simple for something so complicated but just give it a try, write the pros and cons of leaving. You may just have an answer from something as simple as that. Will i be happy? Will the kids be ok? Can I make it financially on my own? Would we all be better off? Will it be hard to discipline the kids alone? Do I really want to live without him? Is he your best friend? Do you enjoy going places with him and spending time with him? Would I miss the sex? You get the picture. Good luck. I hope you can learn to forgive. I know you wont forget but you need to learn to forgive and let it go. Do something to get your mind off of that old deal. Keep your hands busy. Immerse yourself in your kids day to day. Have some fun time with your husband.
2006-08-24 19:50:34 · answer #7 · answered by amiilynn76 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok first of all you have got to stop thinking about what people like the inlaws will think, that is the first thing people think when they realise their marriage is in trouble.
They will be supportive may take sides but there is sometimes an unwritten rule that they will say let them sort it out together.
I would say that you may need time away together just the two of you away from family and talk to each other and if it seems that it will get heated take a few minutes to cool down.
Seek some counselling and good luck
2006-08-22 12:34:28 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
know the feeling but you need to make u happy if u are not in love anymore then u need to move on. you do not have to get over the affair it takes time and if 3yrs is not enough then u take long as u need to. it makes it harder when it was your friend and worst off u were pregnant just when u needed him the most he was screwing your friend how do u get over that you have to live your life not for your family or your husband's but for u and your girls. if u see there is no other way out then u must do what u have to do because there is someone out there that will love you and you don't have to worry for one min if he is cheating i think u need to tell your family what happened if u don't love him like u use to then its not gonna get better i hope what u decide u r truly happy good luck in the future
2006-08-25 23:33:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who cares if his family is great and your family loves him? Wonderful, but what about you? If you are so miserable get out. Don't stay because of the kids...kids are smarter than you think and they can pick up on the problems you are having. Get out if you are unhappy, your family will support you and understand. This women isn't your friend. Especially if she was sleeping with your hubby while your pregnant. That is when you really need your husband to be supportive of you. If you don't want a divorce then talk to your husband. Try to find some way to start over and be happy.
2006-08-25 07:20:15 · answer #10 · answered by fin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think just staying for the kids is best if you are just pretending to be a happy family. I suggest that you do a time-line of the marriage and look at where things went bad. Affairs are not just one sided its has more to do with time. If you can't forgive and you are unhappy then you are just making things harder on everyone. Try to be civil to each other and don't use your kids as pawns for the sake of punishment of your spouse. If you can try to use a parenting coordinator and setup a workable shared parenting plan because your kids will always need both parents in their life. Good luck
2006-08-26 09:26:22 · answer #11 · answered by chancesare45 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋