I have been with my fiancee for seven years total. We are supposed to be married in a couple of months. While she is a good woman who has been with me through up and down, I am afraid of getting married. Early in our relationship she had some problems dealing with people in her past her were bad to her. I helped her work through it but a lot was taken out on me. I never left her because I saw the good. We are doing fine but some of the early spark for me in the relationship left after only a few months. While she is my best friend and I love her and I do not want to hurt her, I am afraid of getting married and feel a lack of a spark towards her. I like being around her but am not extacticly happy most of the time. I never dated much prior to her and do not know if this is something that you normally feel after several years or if this is a major problem. I am usually a romantic but just do not feel that way toward her. She is gung ho on the wedding but I am hesistant. Help.
2006-08-18 08:07:51 · 18 answers · asked by JACK J 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Speak now or forever hold your peace! Don't be pressured into something that you don't want to do. Better to tell her now than to wait till after you are married and have the marriage fail. Good Luck!
2006-08-18 08:13:20 · answer #1 · answered by Backwoods Barbie 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to go with what is in your heart. No one can tell you what to do, only you know. You need to discuss this with her. You don't want to get married to her and find out a year later it really isn't what you wanted and then you divorce her. Wouldn't you rather discuss it now, and remain friends then to ruin her whole idea of "the perfect wedding and marriage" ? I think most women are more excited over the idea of the wedding and marriage than the actual person they are marrying and wedding. Every girls dream is to get married and live happily ever after. If she doesn't know how you feel then she is still going to live up to this dream unless you talk to her and let her know how you feel. If you do not feel the way towards her that you used to then I believe she is not for you, your love and feelings for a person should just keep growing and growing and getting stronger and stronger.
I hope this helps you out sir. Have a good day.
2006-08-18 15:18:09 · answer #2 · answered by darcilynn83 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Spark" is only a small part of what a long-term committed relatiopnship is about. Sounds like you still need to get the "sparking" out of your system before you're ready to enter a mature relationship. I don't know... I guess, it's different for everyone, but after having sparks and fireworks and passion - and many disappointments to go with it - I'm very happy in a more stable relationship where I can count on my soon-to-be-husband day in and day out. There's an undeniable "high" of being newly in love; it is impossible to sustain the initial thrill through the years - but when the "high" is gone, hopefully there's enough left to make the relationship stronger than ever.
Now, sounds like you might have more issues with your particular relationship other than the lack of "spark"; I guess, the bottom line test would be is to ask yourself - do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Can you honestly answer yes? If your answer is no, you're only deluding yourself and your fiancé. I mean, try to figure out why is it ok for you to continue being with this person, but not be married? If you're planning to stay with this same person for better or for worse, then marriage should make no difference at worst, and be welcomed at best. But if you need to feel like you can "opt out" at any time - and marriage does make it more difficult to do - then you shoud seriously reconsider even staying in this relationship, marirage aside. Better to break it off now, than to be resentful later, and wonder what you're "missing out" on.
2006-08-18 15:30:26 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You getting married to her with you feeling this way is not fair to either one of you..... chances are you marry her and things don't get better on your side of the feelings, and then later down you meet someone and because you are loyal you start to look at your life differently and begin to resent her and the marriage because you didn't want to hurt her and you would feel guilty because you would have felt that you were no different from the other men in her life who left her. You are not obligated to anyone..... but yourself and your own personal happiness... Most likely she is like me, she can't be your friend without some kind of string attached because of the feelings that are there, so most likely she is a all or nothing kind of woman. Truth, there isn't many GOOD women out there just like there isn't many GOOD men out there, but this is your choice and a decission you have to make............. but I feel the need to say that if you marry her feeling this way.... chances are you will have a very expensive and nasty divorce a few yrs down the road....... When you marry someone you want it to be with the one that you know is 'THE ONE' for you and it sounds to me like you know that she isn't. I think in the begining you really were sparked with her, but then you felt bad and wanted more then anything to show her that not all men are like what she has been through, and now you find yourself loving her but never given the actual chance to be in love with her because you were helping see her through so much and while at it......... Having alot taken out on you that wasn't even your fault....... so then you felt like a punching bag but still stuck in there to be there for her. I am sorry about your situation and I hope I have helped a little......... but marrying her would be wrong and not fair to either one of you. Good luck and blessed be..........
2006-08-18 15:23:02 · answer #4 · answered by shy&gental 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetheart if you truly feel this way, you should not go through with the wedding, Marriage is a big step, HUGE. It's not something you should be pressured into doing...sounds like maybe you've fallen OUT of love with her..it happens. It's not something you should feel guilty about, sometimes it just happens.
My advice, put the wedding on hold for now. Take some time for yourself, search your heart and see what you truly want. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman? You can love her, but not be IN love with her if you know what I mean.
It's YOUR life, you have every right to be happy...don't let ANYONE pressure you into doing something that you're not sure about...no one..
Good luck honey, Marilyn
2006-08-18 15:15:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a LOT of doubt about this decision. Your inexperience with other loves is compromising your ability to have a perspective on the nature and quality of your relationship. The easy thing to say is to end the relationship and see what else life has to offer but of course, then a new discomfort arises from the concern about what we could be losing.
Here is my reassurance: ending a relationship is often not a bad thing in terms of quality of life. Being single turns out to be often at least as good as being in a relationship (get a circle of friends, not the same ones your fiancee socializes with), and the doubts about the choice of partners are alleviated so being single brings a bonus. There are so many aspects about ourselves that we discover when we make such a big change in our lives as leaving our partner. Don't use concerns about being without her as your reason for staying with her.
It is reasonable for you to want to seek out a more satisfying partner. Life is short and would be wasted staying with someone we don't really want to be with. Liking, caring for, even loving someone in not always enough for a life-long partnership.
The idea of staying with her so as not to hurt her is actually unfair to her; that means you are depriving her of the opportunity to find a partner who is as excited about her as she is about him.
Why not start out with postponing the marriage. Buying some time might help you to make the big decision. Good luck.
2006-08-18 15:26:49 · answer #6 · answered by giddhom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have doubts? Don't get married.
Talk this over with her. Yes - usually the romance cools off and the "comfortable" sets in. That is really the best part. Being totally comfortable with that special person.
But - after the talk, if you still feel the same way - back off! Do not be pushed into anything!
2006-08-18 15:17:03 · answer #7 · answered by Blond Logic 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are in one of two places: 1) you are contemplating marrying someone who could well be your sister as far as your feelings are concerned....you will be stuck for the rest of your life in a non-passionate relationship. IF you are willing to trade passion for contentment, go for it...and really, that is NOT a bad trade, but not a great one either. OR 2) you can break it off and set about to see if grand passion awaits you..it may not. And realize that no matter how grand the passion is in the beginning, it will fade somewhat. Good luck
2006-08-18 15:15:13 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think this is cold feet at all. You are suppose to be excited with a little nervousness. I know the feeling you are talking about, being happy when you are around that person, it's just not there. You all may need to go your separate ways. That is life it is always uneven, someone always gets hurt. You need to speak up and if you know it in your heart, be brave and let her know now you will hurt her even more if you wait any longer.
2006-08-18 21:25:18 · answer #9 · answered by Smile 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This just sounds like an ordinary case of pre-wedding jitters to me. You need to determine whether you can see yourself married to her or not. If you want out of your relationship, then you are not doing her any favors by leading her on. She's already put 7 years into it. What made you propose anyway? It must have felt like the right thing to do at the time.
2006-08-18 15:14:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋