What do I do about my wife who has absolutely zero interest in having physical contact with me?

Question

I'm a 31 year old school teacher who has been married for 8 years. My wife and i have two daughters, a 4 year old and a 9 month old. I'm a pretty attractive and fit guy, and routinely have to turn down advances by women when I go out with "the guys." However, my wife doesn't have any interest in being physical with me. To be blunt, we haven't had sex in a year and a half. I've even stopped trying, and this really is upsetting to me, because she's a gorgeous woman, and I feel like I'm playing by all the rules, but am not getting any of the benefits of being married. It's like we are just roomates. I've brought it up, but I've gotten tired of being rejected, so nothing has changed. I can't keep my hands off of her, and love to put my arm around her and touch her, but she doesn't even have any interest in seeing me when i come out of the shower. If i walk out of the shower and she's in the room, she doesn't even lower her eyes to catch a peek. What should i do?

Answer 1

Dude, you're totally stuck on yourself, you should take it down a notch or two...

Answer 2

I don't know what you should do to be honest with you. I am having the same difficulties with my husband and I am in your wife's shoes... It's not that I am not interested in being intimate with him... I love him dearly, it's just that I am too tired sometimes... He feels neglected when 3-4 days go by without anything going on... I don't know what to do... I have a 2 year old that drains me everyday as well as working 9-5 all week to then come home to cook & clean and tend to the baby. It's ALL draining and I feel that I don't get enough rest. However, a year and a half is outrageous! My brother in law is in the same situation... Maybe things have gotten too routine... Try getting a sitter and going away somewhere for the weekend on a romantic getaway... Just the two of you.... It doesn't have to be expensive as long as you put a little thought into decorating the room to set the "mood" you can get an inexpensive room at a nice hotel. Most Comfort Inn's have a hot tub in every room and a really cheap in the "off-season"... But most importantly, ask her why she is not intimate anymore... There may be something deeper going on that you might not know about.

Answer 3

I know how you feel. Im a very affectionate person. I enjoy "showing" how I feel. My b/f isnt that way. He has a hernia in his groin that is pretty painful. But its not even about the sex. Although that would be nice. But the things you say you do are things I wish he would do. But he doesnt. And like you, i dont even try anymore. Being rejected isn't easy. He's a good looking fit guy. Girls hit on him all the time. Im not his normal girl he'd date. Im not a size 4. Im a 14/16. I also am 27 not 18 or 19. And I have 3 children from my ex husband. I wish I knew what to tell you to do. I have just backed off to the point of not attempting anything. I let him make every move. Conversations, kisses everything. I hope you have better luck than I do. And if you find the solution send it my way...

Answer 4

You sound like a really sweet guy. Life isn't fair! I would give anything to be in your wife's position and actually have a decent guy interested in me. But this isn't about me. :) Has she always been like this, or is it just after the birth of your 9 month old? She might have postpartum depression, which medication could really help.

Even if for some reason she has no sex drive, it's not fair of your wife to ignore your needs. You could try explaining to her that sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Any book on marriage will say the same thing. If she doesn't believe it, a counselor might be able to help. Stephen J had a great idea - a female counselor is a good idea.

I really hope things get better.

Answer 5

My God! I have a similar problem but it's the other way around. My husband doesn't show much interest in having sex and when we do have it, he does it more like a task than really enjoying it. I don't know what's wrong with him. I mean, it's not common for men not to want it. Low sex drive is usually a women's problem. I would understand if I wasn't good looking or attractive..

Anyways, I think you definately need to go to counseling and figure out what's going on. It may be that she's not getting satisfaction or some kind of phyisical or emotional problem. It's all about communication and opening to one another. It's easy to say but hard to do. Anything is worth the try considering you guys have 2 children. I think you've been pretty patient with her, a year is a long time for a male to go without getting any. It's a very essential part in any relationship. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

Maybe you should really stress to her that you are her husband and you truly love her but you have needs and you don't want to get sex for someone else you want it from her. Also ask her if she is truly dedicated to the marriage or is she wanting to be else where with someone else. Just really lay it on thick but don't get nasty just say what's in your heart. Ask her is there something wrong that you are doing if so how can you fix it cause you really just want to feel loved and be loved by your wife. Tell her that she has a good man cause any other man would have cheat on her by now or even before now. Maybe she has a hormonal problem she may need to see a doctor. I'm not sure what her problem is but I sure hope she gets it together cause it's men like you every woman wish they had. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 7

Have a woman step out of the shower and walk past her and see if that catch her interest.

No just kidding. I would find her actions very suspect because why wouldn't a wife desire her husband especially if he's treating her the way she should be treated.

Now I hear nothing of how you are as far as being a good dad and husband and if you lack in those areas I wouldn't desire intimacy with you either but if your doing your job, I would have to have a very very serious conversation with her to see what is the problem because if this continues your marriage will heading to a possible divorce.

Answer 8

If your marital situation isn't working for you( whatever it is) You need to fix it. One way or the other. Try talking , that usually goes nowhere at first , you all kinds of " I don't know "crap out of her right? Suggest counseling , she probably won't want to go there either. YOU still have to decide for yourself how far you're willing to go to keep this togerther. Is she afraid of gettong PG again? Thats an easy one . Do you shower regularly? There has to something going on inher head. My first wife started that same crap with me 7 years into marriage and 2 kids. I put up with 21/2 years of hell before I divorced her. All the couseling in the world couldn't fix her , I couldn't fix her , she refused to fix herself and she is still a blubbering mess to this day. A real posterchild for the helpless female. I remarried 2 years later to a great woman and have enjoyed the best 8 years of my lfe with her. WE even fight and argue from time to time but we are honest and committed to each other. OH BTW ! I found out sometime during my DV with wife 1 she flipped out because she actually had an affair on me and couldn't deal with her guilt and shame. She is still paying. I'm not gloating about it , it's sad to watch. But I am soooo glad I ended it when I did. Thank God!
Just remember divorce with kids really really sucks but living with a mate that dosent fit your life needs is worse.
Good luck with yours, I hope this helps

Answer 9

You need to talk to her about how this is affecting you. In marriage, sex, to a degree, is a need, bc it gives an intimacy you can't get anywhere else. Make sure she knows how beautiful you find her and that her rejection is causing you pain . You both need to honor and respect each other's needs. If your wife doesn't want to have sex at times, respect that, but if she's always turning you down, then that's on her, and it needs to change. I suggest finding a female Christian counselor to talk to. They should be able to give a good perspective on the situation. Make it a female, if the counselor is male, your wife may accuse him of being biased. She may take a female's advice more readily than a male's in this situation.

Answer 10

I am exactly like your wife, except I'm 28, married 1 year and we have no kids. I think it's my birth control pills. I used to have a crazy sex drive when I was 21 but after 24 it all changed. For me it's just painful physically - it hurts, I get bladder infections and so I now completely avoid it. Try to understand - it might be fun for guys but it's not fun for women.

Answer 11

You have a 9 month old? Have you thought of postpartum depression? Could be she is also flat tired when you get home! Her hormones could really be messed up right now, too. Why don't you call your family doctor and have a talk with him? He will be able to advise you. Then the next time she goes in, he will be aware of the situation and can possibly help.