Marriage problems way too soon!?

Question

My husband says he feels like we've been married 25 years and it has only been 10 months. He feels all the spark of the newly married couple is gone already and it was too quick. For some reason he believes it should last a couple years. What do I do? We both love eachother very much...and as far as I can tell nothing has really changed.
The bedroom is not the biggest issue...we do have different sex drives, but we compromise on that. It's mostly just everyday stuff. He is stressed, went back to college, money has been a little tight, but he says he doesn't know what bothers him, he can't put his finger on it. He wished he could figure it out. He says it might not be all me, he just looks at other couples and sees something we don't have which I don't even know if we ever were exactly like that. I'm just afraid if he feels our marriage is boring without all that newness he will eventually want to leave! We are bored with our small city and w/limited income we can't afford much!

Answer 1

I was told the first year is the hardest year. I have been married for 1 yr and about 2 months, and believe me, we have had our struggles. I think you should suggest a marriage retreat. They teach you ways to bring back the "fire" before it is long gone. As far as sex drives go, I think most men have a stronger one & they can be ready in a moment's notice, whereas a lady likes the emotional aspect of being romanticized or wined & dined before sex. Thats normal. Also, maybe he is just know realizing the committment he has made. Maybe that idea is freaking him out, even this late in the game...As as far as the issue with him looking at other couples--he needs stop that now! He has no idea what goes on behind close doors...People use to look at me & my first husband ansd say what a perfect couple we were and how we looked so in love and sweet...what they didnt know is I was unhappy because I was living with an insecure, violent, jealous & controlling monster!! ( it took me 7 yr to relaize it) So he needs not compare your relationship with anyone else's...Maybe he thinks marriage is all roses, but it will have its ups & downs..one day you feel wonderfully & perfectly in love, then the next you cant imagine how you can even wake up to them every morning! But you made the committment, so you stick it out, you work through it, and not be afraid or too proud to get professional help...Good Luck!

Answer 2

He needs to go to counseling so he can find out what is bothering him. He may be overwhelmed with all the changes of the past year or so. As far as having the spark in your marriage, that is something that has to be worked on each and every day. Yes, it should last a lifetime. That's why marriage is the hardest thing to maintain. Don't give up. It was for better or for worse, so stand by him. Keep the communications open between you. Everything that is happening is normal, especially the money issues. Remember, you don't need a lot of money to enjoy eachother. You can try putting aside one hour a day just for the two of you. Play board games, those sexy board games are fun. Play strip poker, my husband and I used to play strip video games. Loser takes something off. I seemed to lose a lot. lol. Have fun, laugh, talk. Don't let the everyday routines get to you.

If everyday life is stressing you guys out, sit down together and make out a plan for the future. Set mutual goals. Write them down. Display it on the refrigerator and cross them out as you meet the goals. Start out small.

Leave little encouraging messages for him. Slip them into his pocket so he can find it throughout the day when he's not home. Before you go to bed, take your lipstick and write "I love you, honey" on the mirror and slap a kiss on it. Make sure he goes to the bathroom before you do though.

I hope some of these suggestions work. Good luck and hang in there. You'll be ok.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to hear that your husband feels that way...all I can tell you is, be the best wife you know how to be. It's never just one person's "fault" in a relationship--it takes two to tango. So while you may share some of the blame, so does he. That being said, I've learned the tough way that one of the best things you can do for your marriage is to be humble and treat your husband like a king. I know that sounds hokey and unfair, but it works wonders. When you tell him how much you appreciate him and the things he does, it builds his confidence. Even if the only thing he does is take out the trash, tell him how much you appreciate that. Find things to be thankful to him for. Also, let him be "manly"; i.e., let him open doors for you, let him talk first when you meet new people, etc. He'll start feeling masculine and protective of you, his lovely bride. I know this is all probably very different from what others will say, but I've been married nearly four years and I can be one of the most headstrong, dominant people you'll ever meet. Many times I had power struggles w/ my man till I learned that being submissive and respectful got me alot further. Not saying you're NOT submissive--I don't know you and can't judge you lol...just sharing some of my experience. Hope it helps and best wishes. If you're at all interested, check out the book listed below. It helped me alot.

Answer 4

You need to sit back and take a real hard look at your marriage. The last thing you want to have is an unhappy spouse! You will eventually have children. Over time you will sacrifice your youth to a man who at this time is unhappy with you and your marriage. You don't want to be 40 and frumpy, three kids, a mortgage and find out that he has left you (for a younger model) because he "needs that spark".

Look at it this way...this is the time of your life (and your marriage) that it is at its peak. Typically this should be the best times...not the worst. If you're with a "never truely happy spouse" then you might want to bail out of this relationship while you can. You seem to be the type of person that is upbeat and willing to compromise to make a marriage work. ON the other hand, your spouse seems to take 30 minutes to tell you what went wrong in the last 5 minutes.

Bottom line: You're in a bad situation. You might be looking at the writing on the wall. Dump him now and find somebody who will be willing to work with you for the long haul.

Check out the following website. It can answer your questions better than I can. It's a site for guys,, but women use it as well.
It can also give youa "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche.
http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Good luck

Answer 5

Marriage goes thru a lot of phases. Sounds like you are in the "comfortable' phase.
You two need romance - and it doesn't have to cost a bunch! Rent a movie and have a date at home. Bottle of wine, some cheese and watch the movie. A nice long walk on the beach or in the park.
Money worries are really tough on newly weds. Got to give it time. Quit being so insecure! By your actions, you will send him all the wrong vibes. Just do romantic things for him. Make him feel special!

Answer 6

If you don't already do it, try doing a "date" night every week or two...that may help. Do you still get out & have fun, or are ya'll stuck in a rut - the same routine everyday? We tend to do that & marriage IS work...you have to keep it fun & exciting.

It does concern me though that your husband is feeling this way already, you're not even a year into your marriage. Try talking about it more & getting to the root of the problem. Is he happy? Does he regret getting married? Is it just the pressure of school, money, just life in general - we can all get overwhelmed from time to time..

Tomorrow is Saturday - wake him up with breakfast in bed..but, be naked...hey, it keeps the spark there honey...

Good Luck, Marilyn

Answer 7

He's learning the difference between adult love and teenager love. The infatuation is gone- now he's left with life, and someone to share it with.

Frankly, I don't see how any marriage can make it these days without help. So, it's time to find the right marriage counselor/therapist to help you both put things in perspective.

I'm not sure that YA is going to be able to provide you the answers and counseling that you'll really benefit from.

Answer 8

Every married couple goes thru this. Please try not to worry. Reassure him that you feel the "spark" is still there and you love him very much. Spend as much time as you can keeping that spark in the marriage. Devote all you have to being the best you can be for each other. It sounds to me like maybe he is just stressed from money, school, and god knows what else. Just hang in there honey, it happens to all of us.

Answer 9

You are probably just bored. You say your income is limited and you live in a boring small city. That makes it tough. Stress can also cause the feelings he is having. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully this will pass.

Answer 10

Ha! Try being married 22! That's years not months. I don't know what he's expecting. maybe he's watching too much TV. Love is there biut the feeling of security creeps in too. Secure in the knowledge your loved and cared for and that you enjoy the feeling of that warm body next to you in bed. Doesn't even have to be joined to you....just being there is good enough.
Tell him to get his head on straight and stop trying to analyize something that he isn't going to find an answer for that will satisfy him.
I rank this in the same league with men or women who are married but then say "I need my space". Get real. (Not you dear...people in general)