Fact: my wife is a better mother to my son than my ex is. My ex is so jealous of her and ......?

Question

is doing everything possible to sabotage the continuos development that is occurring between them including finding numerous resons to keep him from his usual visits to my home. My wife is excellent with providing my some with stimulating activities and nurturing that the child never wants to go home to his mother. What should I do? She is ruining the enjoyment of his childhood memories!

Answer 1

I am the step mother in a verrrrrry similar predictament. My only suggeation to your wife would be to keep pouring all that love and attention into your son. Even if your ex tries to destroy what she is doing the child will know where he feels safe, happy, and nutured. Don't give up.
Sad to see a mother who will compromise her own childs happiness because of jeakousy: maybe she needs to channel her energies into planning special times with your son when she has him. Good luck to you and your wife...I feel ya

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation as you. I know it is hard to believe that a someone would do such a thing. But she is just jealous. Maybe you should try have your wife communicate with her so she feels that your wife is there to help both give both you, as the child's father, and mother (don't use the term your husband as this may get her to be defensive and angry) support. You should really remind her that all three of you are there for the best interest of the child. Not your wife, not you and not the mother. It is about what is best for the child.

Also ask her if she thinks there are other alternative that she, as the mother, thinks is best for her child instead of spending time with your wife? Would this alternative make the child happy?

If she insists on keeping the child from the visits, then when you do talk to her, you can lightly mention about you and your wife will have a quiet dinner out since you don't have the child at home, or you and your wife will take advantage of the time to go to the movies, etc, etc. And when you don't have the child, when she calls - do not answer, just let it go to the answering machine. Maybe she just want to know what you guys are doing.

I hope you know what I mean... This way, she will probably then will leave the child there more often to make sure you guys won't be doing any romantic things.

However, you should not forget that she is the real mother and ultimately she has the say so and legal rights in making important decisions. So also let her know that your wife know her place and that she is there to only give support.

Answer 3

See if the three of you could sit down and agree on something. It won't be easy, but try. If you three can't agree together, try mediation. A controlled situation with an outside expert on family matters can help put things into proper prospective for all three of you.

While your ex is the mother here, she may be doing what is right for her, not the child.
Your wife may be a better woman, wife, and mother, but she didn't carry them and give birth to him. She has to try to respect the mother's decisions.
You are happy with your new life with a new wife, are you sure you are being fair to your ex.

These are some things that can be worked through at mediation. The big issue here is the child. It's difficult to put aside feelings when it's a situation like this. If you left your ex for your new wife, she's probably very bitter. All she sees is the other woman, not a potentially good step-mom. And your wife may not see your ex in a very good light either. If the two of them could learn to put their differences aside, you might be able to find a solution.

Answer 4

Yeah jealousy can ruin alot of good things! Your ex-wife is probably very immature and needs some reassurance that SHE is the mother and that your new wife isn't taking her place in your son's life. Try sitting her down and talking to her letting her know that you and your wife see her as a valuable part of your son's life. (these jealous insecure types need their ego's stroked....unfortunately) Remember, even though this is not an easy thing for you...taking the initiative and being the grown up in the situation will put you on top. When she sees that you have compassion for her "situation" and sees that your wife isn't trying to take over her title of "mommy" she should relax a bit and life will be a bit easier! Good luck!

Answer 5

If she is mature and a loving mother, have her agree to come and talk with you and your new wife at the lunch table. Make sure the kiddo doesn't know about the meeting as it could cause unwanted stress to him. Ask her to bring a friend or maybe a family psychiatrist to talk over that she is still important, not replacable, and that she needs to swallow her pride for the benefits of her son in order to have him grow up healthy. Also, watch your body language around your ex-wife, avoid hand holding and sitting directly next to her during the meeting. This could make the meeting go sour and take the focus off the meeting. Just boost her self-esteem and be frank.

Answer 6

My husband's exwife spends most of her time on the computer, and doesn't really *do* alot with her kids.

I like kids, I always have. And we have a lot of fun together. For the first two years we were together, my husband worked nights and weekends, so he'd stay awake with them as long as he could, then go to bed, because he had to work that night. The rest of time, the kids and I went to the mall, library, swimming or to see a movie. We played at the park, made cookies, colored, and had a blast. I wasn't trying to make his ex look bad - but I figured the kids didn't want to spend the entire weekend sitting on their butts doing nothing, any more than I did.

His ex has been talking trash about me all along.

The only thing I can tell you is, take the high moral ground. NEVER say anything about the kids' mom. When young children repeat mean things mom said, change the subject or divert them. When they get a little older, its fine to explain that just like kids get angry, sometimes adults get angry and say things that aren't very nice. Then leave it at that.

Nothing you can say to your ex-wife will probably do any good. It didn't do us any good. Now the kids are 8 and 6 - and they do understand that their mom doesn't like me. But they also notice that I'm not the one doing the bad-mouthing. . .and I won't. They love me, and my husband, the kids and I enjoy spending time together on our favorite activities (lately fishing).

Don't worry - as long as you're not returning the nastiness, your kid will eventually see through your ex's actions. Kids are more flexible than you think -it's not the best situation, but they'll come out of it okay.

If it bothers you a lot, try looking getting the ex, you and your wife together with a professional mediator.

Answer 7

First, somewhere along the line you have to work out a way to get along with your first wife so that your child is comfortable with both parents. Secondly, and maybe it's just because you put a lot of emphasis on your current wife, the child is there to see you, not a baby sitter that just happens to be your wife.
Make sure you are actively involved with your child and maybe your ex will be more receptive to the situation. Make sure YOU are nurturing and providing stimulation, not your spouse!

Answer 8

Well that is your ex's child, not your wifes, if she wants to be a mother to a child she should have her own, instead of trying to get between a mother and her child. And what do you mean by "stimulating activities"? Just because the ex doesn't like doning certain things doesn't make the new wife better at mothering.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, your ex is his biological mother and has a right to see the child. You cannot control what she does in that regard. Make sure that your current home environment is the best possible place, and perhaps have some heart-to-heart talks with your son (depending upon his age) without deriding his mother, of course. You can only control your own actions not the actions of your ex. Unless the child is being physically abused or you find that your ex is telling outright slanderous lies about you to your son, not much you can do.

Answer 10

Its sad to say but his mother seems to feel like the new wife is taking over. Maybe you can talk to her to make her feel at ease with this. Reassure her that she is his mother and that the new wife doesn't plan on taking her spot. She is making the best of her situation just as well as the old wife should. The fact of the matter remains that what is important here is the child. Maybe the 3 of you can sit down and talk about it all for your son's sake!