Was it an affair or not?

Question

After 20 years of marriage my husband started writing "If I weren't married with kids" I could see myself with you. The kicker- she was a friend of my since 7th gr. She was always asking him to help her with her computer or car. He told me what he had done, no sex just the emails back and forth, when she accused him of stalking her. She lied so much about what happened even saying I knew & said things. B/L- he was driving by her house he after a PPO was issued & spend the day in jail for it. Her daughter was my daughter's best friend so this has hurt everyone. She's a secretary at my son's high sch so the whole dirty laundrywhen around the schools, I also teach in the district which made it a mess since people knew. My husband has never(to my knowledge) done anything like this before. I feel like he stabbed me in the heart. He even bought her a braclet for her bday. He says he luvs me. He says he liked the attention. He never mean to hurt me he just liked her friendship I'm so hurt

Answer 1

Here's the truth of it......it doesn't really matter if he had a sexual affair with her or not. He broke your trust and allowed an intimate relationship (of sorts) to begin and flourish. Does it hurt? The real question is can you and he move past this? And do you even want to?

Answer 2

He may have been faithful to you but let's be honest. Despite what he says he was laying the groundwork for an affair. You just don't buy bracelets, send e-mails and such without some method to your madness. Hey....is she married too? because that would explain her stalking complaint and the aftermath. bet if she is her hubby caught wind of it and she had to retreat fast and make it look as though she was innocent.
In any case I have no doubt it was a boost for his ego and did make him feel good. For those who condemn the man...sorry..I can't. Granted it was not proper but human frailty is the name of the game here. Some people have more discipline than others.
There are plenty of women and men who are guilty of much more. It appears he wishes to atone for his sin and although you have been wounded and will take some time to heal and trust him you're doing the right thing by making the effort to make it work. Forget this nonsense of "wear a baby doll nightgown and make wild love to him" or any of that stuff. talking will make things right and allow both he and you to open up and address your problems on a case by case basis. Sorry hun. Sometimes as you grow older you don't think you're attractive to anyone anymore and life becomes rather status quo. Work it out between the two of you and sever all contact with the other woman. Good luck.

Answer 3

OUCH!!! Fatal Attraction #3,749 :''(
Outside of taking out a full-page ad in the paper saying how much he loves you, I don't know what to do. Give it some time & maybe it'll become last-weeks-news. Let the girls get together, if it's possible. Tell your daughter that even grownups make mistakes, sometimes.
I'm not sure who's story to believe. If he was using the home computer, take it in for "servicing" and tell them you want a printout of all his e-mails. If he was using the one at work, you're out of luck. The company almost certainly has a "no personal use" policy. If the boss already knows about it, and hasn't fired hubby yet, it's probably safe to ask his boss for the printouts.
If he's telling the truth & you both want to keep the marriage intact, consider moving to a new school system...or town...or state. (NOT being funny.)

Answer 4

Oh hell no, he didn't go by her house and buy her a present for her birthday. Twenty years of marriage or not, that just wouldn't be ok with me. Wake up and smell the coffee honey, your husband is interested in another woman. I would seriously believe that he does in fact love you, and I would even guess that he actually has no intention of leaving you. This kind of needy attention that he is getting from her, simply means that your marriage is lacking in some area. An affair consisting just on attention is always a symptom that something is wrong in the marriage. I'll tell what I'd do...I'd tell him that his behavior is completely unacceptable, and I would take my child and move out, giving him plenty of time to find out what his life would be without me. During my time away, I'd make darn sure I still loved him, and then maybe make a date to talk to him about seeking counseling for our marriage. He'd have to be an open book for a long time, in order to win my trust back. My forgiveness wouldn't come easy, and yours shouldn't either.Show some self-respect, and remember we treat people how to treat us. Don't allow him to treat you this way!

Answer 5

Honestly this is one of the toughest issues married people deal with. You have husbands and wives not only doing it the old fashioned way as you described but people have these types of relationships online all the time. The question I always tell people to ask is if she wanted to have an intimate relationship would he have acted on it? If you can honestly say no then, its nothing to really worry about. It may have hurt your feelings but you need to bring that up with him. If he's spending more time with her than with you talk to him about it. If you think he would have acted on the above question then with out a doubt he either has cheated on you or will cheat on you. This behavior is common with many men who want to see if a woman is interested without making any overt moves.

I'll finish with my advice, you and your husband should definitely seek marriage counseling and you may want to seek some individual counseling as well. He clearly has hurt your feelings very deeply and the only way to continue your relationship on positive terms is for both of you to come to terms with what is or has happened. If you can't it will be a very tough road for both of you and you children. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

Yes it was an affair. Maybe no sex was involved (that you know of) but a lot of feelings were hurt in the process and everyone's lives have been turned upside down. I work for a District Attorney's Office and I know for a fact that a Judge is not going to put an order of protection in place without reason, especially not a permanent one. Just something to think about.

Answer 7

Sounds like if she would have allowed the affair, he would have definitely done it! How awful for you! That just made me really sad. It is definitely your decision, but I could never continue to be with him after something like that because of 2 reasons: 1) I would never be able to forgive or forget it, and 2) I would never be able to trust him again. Not knowing every time he went out, whether he was really telling the truth, where he was, who he was with. That would just kill me. And, since things would never be the same, I would rather get over it and divorce him, rather than let him stay and be miserable. Good luck honey, I hope you make the right decision for you. I know you have to take the kids in consideration, but many divorced parents make it work. Best wishes.

Answer 8

An affair definitely. Sex or no sex..........looking out of marriage for attention, keeping a secret about a relation till caught and causing embarrasment to the whole family due to your weaknesses is not done.

I don't mean anything like a separation etc. If I were you, I would be really hurt as well.

Breach of trust is a SIN.

Answer 9

This is what you got after 20 years of marriage a den of deceit and disrespect which clearly violate the marriage vows.

Please don't blame yourself for the disrespectful actions of your mate.

Your husband had no right as a married man to be contacting another woman and making her feel if you and the kids wasn't with him she would have a chance.

If this is love, I wouldn't want to come up against hate.

All the attention he need should come from his wife not a woman on the outside of the marriage.

If he never meant to hurt you, I suggest you tell him he did.

This type of friendship doesn't seem like a pen pal to me .

Answer 10

Wow - I'm so sorry you went through that. I can understand why you are hurt. This didn't just hurt you two but other people too, including young innocent ones. If she accused him of stalking, it had to be pretty bad for the authorities to believe her. I call it cheating. He was TRYING to do something. Buying her gifts? He went WAY OVERBOARD. That is not just a friendship. SHE may have thought so. I'd probably give her the benefit of the doubt before I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. She made him go away. She wasn't pursuing him obviously.

Answer 11

It doesnt matter if he actually DID ne thing with her or not thats just the physical part, what about the emotional part? He was cheating on u emotional and sometimes thats harder to except then the physical indiscretions. Give this dumb @SS UP. You and ur children deserve better. Now u guys are all being drug thru the mud just because he couldnt keep it in the past. How can you forgive a man or ne one for that matter who does something like that.