I would like your opinion in this poem I wrote:
She tried to call your house
Your mamma said you were out
The next day you wrote her a note
Saying that they you were pals no more
She thought it was a joke
She went up to your door...
Well look where her heart is now
She had no more pals
Her daddy died
You her friend left her when she needed you most
when she needed someone to hug
Her mom was at work and didnt want to be bugged
Later her mamma died
A cellphone in her mammas hand
A car crash was her mammas end
She was sent off to an orphanage
Lost and forgetful
She forgot she had a life
She sat at the egge of an old couch
Her body into an uncomfortable slouch
She cried herself to sleep sometimes
You her pal
you could have made her life easier
She had had enough she grabbed her bags and left
You Let her life lead close to an end
You her pal could have been there for her
You could have hugged her
One mistake you made made a difference
2006-08-18 07:00:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Hmmmm. It's a bit...choppy. I like it, don't get me wrong. But, it doesn't seem to flow very well. I think it's the first bit there, about the note and "pals no more." And I wouldn't have used the word forgetful; maybe forgotten. She's in an orphange, that sounds more...believable, perhaps it the word I'm looking for. And before someone gets nasty, it's spelled "edge" not "egge." I'm sure some bonehead will point that out.
But I do like it. It's difficult to write a poem that long with nothing rhyming. You did well. Very good.
2006-08-18 07:30:46 · answer #1 · answered by graytrees 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is really good. And yea you can make a difference in someone's life. If you're the only friend they go and if like the only reason you dropped them is because of other friends then you have big problems referring to the poem anyway.
2006-08-18 21:06:22 · answer #2 · answered by suohthedragon 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't particularly like that kind of 'poetry'. So I'll answer your original question that caught my attention.
Yes. Ask any drunk driver's victim. Or their family.
2006-08-18 14:11:27 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
sound like a confuse heart broken young lady to me
2006-08-18 14:24:08 · answer #4 · answered by idontkno 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, thats REALLY good!!
2006-08-18 14:07:21 · answer #5 · answered by nat_00420 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋