My father - should I forgive and forget?

Question

I am 26 and still financially dependent on my family. My father tries really hard to be a respected man around everybody else and is a successful businessman. When it comes to his home matters, he is either very very distant or very very critical. He has been drinking heavily every day for the last 15 years, and my mother is in constant dispute with him about it. A few months ago, he came home drunk and picked up a fight with my mother and I, about how he has to go to important dinners by himself because my mother refuses to go to events where drinking is involved. When I said I had nothing to to do with this, he barged into my room, starting insulting me and then slammed the door. I yelled F**k off, and he came back in and slapped me in the face really hard. I had a bruised face for a week. He is often harsh and angry but never before was physical. I live alone now and hasn't spoken to him since although he apologized. I'm having a hard time putting all this into perspective. Help!

Answer 1

In my opinion, i think you should forgive.
I understand that it's very hard to look past your parents hurting you. Especially when it's been going on for so long.
However, i don't know of very many stories where the father actually came back and apologized.
So i think that you should test his sincerity by sitting downa nd having a serious conversation with him. Don't be angry or hasty in your decisions. I feel that you should tell him exactly how you feel about his drinking, about your relationship with him, and how you want it to be. But also think of ways for him to get better.
Explain that what he did really hurt you.
But you should forgive him if he proves his sincerity.
But even if he doesn't, forgive him because you don't want to hold a grudge for the rest of your life.

Also, i know this may upset you... but even in the worst of fights, you never swear at your parents. They're not friends. They're not enemies. They are not normal people. They deserve respect from you more than almost anyone else. Of course you can say that respect is earned. Your parents should have earned your respect by raising you and providing you with a home and finances.

Seriously, apologize for swearing at him.

And talk seriously with him about everything.
Give him time to change.
If he doesn't make the effort, make sure he knows he's forgiven for hitting you but you're not willing to make an effort with him if he's not willing to make the effort to change.

So basically... just see him and talk to him. See what it's like. See what he's like. And if he's still rude and obnoxious with your mom and with you and with drinking, make sure he knows that you're not willing to sacrifice your pride and love for him when he's not willing to sacrifice anything for you and him being your father.

I'm sorry :( I know you must be so sad. I know when my relationship was so horrible with my mom, i felt so lost and confused. And i just wanted clarity. I found clarity through communication and finding her weaknesses as well as my own. It's hard. It may take a long time. But... if you both work at it, you can build your relationship up.

Answer 2

I'm sorry about what happened to you. i have experienced the same situation about a year and a half ago and he never did apologize. my father only knows how to apologize with money. my father is also an alcoholic drinks everyday since i can remember and my mom doesn't like to go to those social events either. in fact the divorce is already planned when i go to college. i fell bad for my mom since she has to put up with it but only because she chooses too. I'm glad your not living at home anymore where you can be verbally abused, or god forbid even physical ever again.it takes time to forgive if you ever do. i just think he needs to come to terms with what he did although he apologized and then take it from there family is family. blood will always be thicker then water. i hope everything works out with your family problems -good luck.

Answer 3

Wow that's really tough. He did apologize and you have to take it one day at a time. Maybe one day you can forgive altho I'm sure you wont forget. Drinking is a terrible disease and you have to understand that he has an illness. You should never be violated like that. If I were you... I would forgive him. Just because you only have so much time together. In the long run you might wish that you forgave him. Good luck!

Answer 4

Living with an alcoholic is constant pain. My heart goes out to you. He is your father so yes, you do need to forgive him but you don't have to take more abuse from him. It will take time to be able to forgive him for all the pain he's caused.

Have you thought about going to Al-anon? It is the counter group to AA which is very helpful for families of alcoholics. Look in the phone book to find a chapter near you. Or any 12 step group could be helpful.

It is good you moved out, that was a healthy thing to do.

Answer 5

Why is forgiveness so difficult? It is difficult because it is so contrary to human nature. In societies and cultures not affected by the Judeo-Christian ethic, forgiveness is not a virtue, but a weakness. Offenses demand punishment and revenge becomes the only appropriate response. Or if forgiveness is offered, it appears to relieve and excuse the offender of responsibility. What if forgiveness is the willing offer of the person offended, but the offender refuses to acknowledge the wrong?

Throughout Scripture, forgiveness is expressed in various ways. In the Old Testament, forgiveness means "to take away, to atone by sacrifice and substitution." In the New Testament, it is "to cancel a debt," but it does not overlook the offender's act or obligation. The debt is satisfied by the one to whom it was owed, or by someone else. This is the message of the grace of God: He cancels the debt of sin by the payment, or atonement, made by the Lord Jesus Christ.

Repentance and remission are inseparable in forgiveness. These are the means by which God can forgive: by the confession of sinful debt to God and acceptance of the Savior as the substitute sin-bearer. When God forgives, He also releases the offending sinner from the consequences of His wrath and eternal punishment. The forgiven are reconciled with God through Jesus Christ, and peace and joy prevail forever.

Jesus' model is the secret to interpersonal forgiveness. The Scripture teaches, forgive one another even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32). The "even as" states the formula. Just as God forgives, we are to forgive. Confession admits the offense and states the truth. It does not ignore the wrong, or deny the reality. It thus releases forgiveness to the offender and restores fellowship. If God's conditions are met, He is bound by His Word to forgive. But God's forgiveness is effective only when there is the admission of sin. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9, NKJV).

Likewise, in human relationships, forgiveness demands an apology, and that is the obligation of the one who caused the offense. However, apologies can be inadequate.

"Whatever it was that you think I did, I'm sorry." This claims perception is the problem. "I'm sorry that you took it the wrong way." This is reverse blame, a denial of responsibility. "I didn't know you were so hurt." A plea of ignorance doesn't settle the wrong. Full restoration of the relationship and complete forgiveness are accomplished only when there is admission of wrongdoing, genuine regret over the offense and an apology that admits the gravity of the injury.

But what if the one who has offended us does not apologize? Are we free to withhold forgiveness? No. Many times withholding forgiveness is a form of subtle control, power and passive punishment in an attempt to get even. God forgives, but people view getting even and settling the score as an easier solution. Are there some offenses and hurts that can never be forgiven? Scripture teaches that we are to offer forgiveness as God does—freely. Whatever forgiveness we offer to others has been first given to us without limit.

Finally, what if we grant forgiveness to the offender, but the memory and pain of the offense remains? Is forgiveness incomplete? The truth is only God is perfect and remembers our sin no more (Jeremiah 31:34). But we must earnestly and prayerfully forgive, in spite of the painful memories.

Answer 6

although what your father did was wrong, he is only human..and so are you!..no man should ever hit a woman, but no daughter should ever turn her back on her only father. explain to your father that you have a paroblem with the way that he acts when he drinks, explain to him how you felt when he hit you, and ask that he try and get help. if he believes that he does not have a problem and begins to yell at you, call him out on it. tell him that you want to have a relationship with him but it isnt possible if he stays the way he is. make him chose the bottle or you, and that is where your father will show his true colors

Answer 7

your father was wrong to hit you so hard, but in my country you could never say anything like this to your father, even if you are right. but because you have the opportunity and you have a say bcause of where you live. i suggest you forgive him. everyone deserves a second chance right. but dont talk to him, if you do, he will feel that you aren't affected by what he did. so i think you should not talk to him. he will feel as bad as you do and will want your attention as much as possible. but if he's not trying to work things out with you, try to hit him back, let him know you are not afraid of him, or call the police if it gets too serious. talk to your mom into helping you, you are not the only one being attacked by him. AND REMEMBER HAVE MANNERS, YOU ARE A LADY, PLEASE! NO BAD WORDS

Answer 8

that's a tough one. Here's my advice for what it's worth. I think that being civil to him or polite at family gatherings is appropriate. But if he wants a relationship, I'd tell him he needs to sober up first. Tough love is needed in the case of alcoholics. Be encouraging in that you'll be there for him IF and WHEN he tries to sober up with AA meetings, etc. But outside of that, I wouldn't accept a relationship. Forgiveness is needed on your part....but not "for" him....forgive him in that you release any negative feelings you have....but that doesn't mean you let him off the hook! Hope that helps. Best wishes!

Answer 9

Quite Simple
1. its you who has to understand his behaviour
2. probabaly he is looking for you and your mom behave to a pattern which he sees missing
3. Try asking him what is expecting out of you. Quite possible he may not be sure what actually he is looking for.
4. I am sure these will heal him up and don't mind sparing some moments with him.
5. I understand your mom do not like the gatherings where drinks flows, but sweet lady realise which has more priority " LOOSING YOUR DAD OR NOT GETTING TO GATHERING OF DRUNKS"
6. Be wise, make his recollect the good moments your family has spend together.

He will surely change his way.

Best of Luck.

Answer 10

okay first of all ...please don't take this offensively because it is only a question and i mean no disrespect at all behind it AND i am not in any way trying to excuse his behavior BUT why on earth are you still financially dependent on your parents at 26 years old?
i would forgive him and pull him aside when he is not drinking and tell him how his problem is affecting you and your mother. don't come at him accusingly but just try to talk to him...sometimes a heart to heart talk can make all the difference in the world