I need honest opinions about my poem.?

Question

Violence

I dream of a time when I will be safe;
For those men in Iraq and the lives that they gave;
Violence, terror, and assault;
When the bodies of young one hit the asphalt;
Guns, knives;
Skin tatters and tears;
Teenage blood splatters everywhere.
Will this violence ever end?
Why can’t we just be friends?

Answer 1

dear angel,
it needs only a little clean-up..but ithink if you give it a bit more effort,you will have a fine poem

Answer 2

A good poem uses language to offer insights into common everyday events. Language is the tool that, when wielded expertly, takes us beyond the commonplace and opens our eyes to a new reality. Your poem fails to do that. The emotion is there, but you haven't yet achieved the expertise with language that you need to give the reader goosebumps.

Here's an example of a poem on the same topic that succeeds:


Regime Change
by Andrew Motion

Advancing down the road from Niniveh
Death paused a while and said, “Now listen here.

You see the names of places roundabout?
They’re mine now, and I’ve turned them inside out.

Take Eden, further south: at dawn today
I ordered up my troops to tear away

its walls and gates so everyone can see
that gorgeous fruit that dangles from its tree.

You want it, don’t you? Go and eat it then,
and lick your lips, and pick the same again.

Take Tigris and Euphrates; once they ran
through childhood-coloured slats of sand and sun.

Not any more they don’t; I’ve filled them up
with countless different kinds of human crap.

Take Babylon, the palace sprouting flowers
which sweetened empires in their peaceful hours -

I’ve found a different way to scent the air:
already it’s a by-word for despair.

Which leaves Baghdad - the star-tipped minarets,
the marble courts and halls, the mirage-heat.

These places, and the ancient things you know,
you won’t know soon. I’m working on it now.”

Answer 3

Very sincere feelings here. I think I would add an "s" to "young one" as the antecedent is "bodies" or a plural noun, so it should read "bodies of young ones" in that line. I like your use of slant rhymes with "safe" and "gave" and "tears" and "everywhere" along with "end" and "friends" which keep the poem unified without becoming sing-songy or forced to rhyme. I think I might add "bombs" onto the very short line of "Guns, knives;" - either before or after knives - because that line is very short and does not describe the majority of the weapons in Iraq. I think you are emphasizing weapons by only using the names of them, but if you add "bombs" that will make the line a little stronger. You also have quite a bit of alliteration with words ending in "t" - time, tatters, tears, Teenage. I think it's pretty good. Keep writing!

Answer 4

Honestly.
Couplets are a bit simplistic. Your phrases are contrite and overused.
Unless you are going for an EE Cummings thing, I'd review punctuation.
The poem doesn't really offer any insight or new views into you specifically or the topic.

Sounds bad, but at least you're trying. Read more poetry. There's nothing that will help you more than understanding the traditions that come before you. Once you understand the path you are following, you can make a conscious decision to continue or make your own way.

Answer 5

Mornin, I gotta consider Silent, yet i admire her besides, yet i will recommend a pair issues without offense meant. It loves you too is an assumption, each and every so often in a feeling doubtful, yet I have no concern with it rather. no longer particular in case you like this to rhyme in couplets of in any respect as in loose verse, i might try this in couplets or quatrains in case you like it to rhyme, IE: L a million I mighta further fact to end the line, then bumped "got here across" to an L 3, or perhaps 4. not sure how flea relates, or that passage after? i think of in some reverence to God i does not have blanketed "Ha" i might too have not used foul, a minimum of no longer without yet another comma. besides I see it havin greater effect, nicely nicely well worth the attempt if ya edit it some.

Answer 6

A poem is meant to use imagery to describe something further than the actual events described in the poem. It is meant to use words as suggestion. It is meant to have depth, meaning, magic.

Yours needs to be shredded.

Good night, and good luck.

Answer 7

You asked for honesty, and to be honest it seems kind of trite and it seems to have no real thought behind it. There are no real questions asked that couldn't be asked by nine year old. I assume you are an American?

Answer 8

the meaning is good but work on the Arts of rhythm in Ur poem

Answer 9

That's very touching! And very nice of you! As an amateur poet myself, I would give you an honest A+ :)
I hope no one in your family is hurt.