Should I fogive my wife for cheating on me?

Question

My wife has been playing a game online called second life. Her avatar is able to have sex and other mature things. Shes been playing heavily with one particular guy. I fouynd out last night that when I was out of town for three days with my daughter, THAT he flew from peurto Rico and stayed in my house and had sex with my wife. I'm completely torn apart. I feel that I still want to repair my marraige. I'm forgiving. I asked my wife for for a few things, A sincere apology, to stop talking to this guy, and to stop playing the game. It's partially my fault. I haven't been very romantic most of my life, and she wants that and needs that in her marraige. I think I can change and be the person she wants me too. QUESTION: Would you forgive her, and how would you change yourself to be a beter person. I only have 150 pts, If possible, I'd give away every point for the best answer.

Answer 1

If your wife does stop talking to this guy and playing the game then I would forgive her, but, you have to remember that she probably only offered herself to this other man because she felt severely starved of your attention or affection. Sometimes we get so busy with our daily routines that we take our loved ones for granted. You need to do things together to spice your marriage up. Whether it's just a trip to the museum, beach, or a place you two both like. Spend time together and have some fun together so you can have new things to talk about and make some nice memories for each other. Try to remember to do the small things she asks for, like remembering to take out the trash or pick something up from the store. Possibly even helping her out around the house. If she feels loved and appreciated by you I doubt she would ever cheat again. At least, that's how I would feel. Marriage is a two way street and it takes both of you wanting to improve and work on it. You should try to make every day better than the last. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

I never answer these because your situation occurs so often it's almost a cliche. I'm no marraige counselor, but I will try.
Forgiving is easy. You can forgive over and over and it will change nothing and solve nothing.
Do you love her? Does she love you? Do each of you still want to complete your lives together?
Is she contrite, or blase about the whole thing.

You are obviously not to blame for her cheating,
but you are to blame for her wanting to cheat. She simply took that final step. Unfortunately for most couples, that final step is the deal-breaker.

Here's the hard question:
After you have both cleared the air, can you ever trust her again?
And the even harder question:
Can you resume your former life with her without feeling superior in a deep little corner of your heart? Can your swear to yourself that you will never, EVER, bring this out in a knock-down, drag-out argument?

She was looking for change in her life. Is she still looking? If she is, all the soothing words in the world and all the forgiveness will not settle the matter. You both have to be able to put this problem behind you. You seem to be ready to, but is she?
Write down how you feel, and have her do the same, then trade papers, or take this matter to a marriage counselor. If you can, resolve any of your problems there and then. When you are satisfied with the outcome, start again fresh, or part company. At this point, if there are children,
go right back to the counselor and work that out,
because they will have already taken emotional damage. I sincerely hope I have helped. I've had a lot of psychology, and a somewhat rocky marriage myself. Good luck. B.

Answer 3

Should u forgive her? Hmmmmm, well let's see.... Initially, I say YES!!!. If she cheated because romance was lacking and you're willing to resolve that issue then---YES!!! work at keeping your relationship! I'm admittedly biased in that I believe in maintaining the family unit if it is possible to do so without harm to those involved. This seems to be the case here.

Though I understand "WHY" she cheated, it is still is a poor excuse. Did she not discuss this void in your marraige beforehand? If so, why did it take the infidelity for you to decide to work on this issue?

The first step is for her to sever the online relationship. Next, discuss the lack of respect and the potential harm that could come from inviting a stranger into your home. The online "relationship" should've stayed "online" as a fantasy. Once she crossed that line, she exposed your entire family and that is unacceptable, irresponsible behavior.

As for your demands:
1."a sincere apology"--talk is cheap, watch her actions
2. "to stop talking to this guy"--I agree; that is a definite deal breaker
3. "to stop playing the game"--I disagree, she may need this as a vector to vent until your romantic skills mature.

Forgiveness will occur over time as the two of you create new romantic memories.

Answer 4

hi,
well if i were u i wouldnt forgive your wife because who says she wont do the same thing again but this time being more careful so that u dont find out.... but if u want to change and give her a chance then thats your choice... you could start by being more attentive, praising her about her looks,her work or whatever u want... you could be a bit more romantic, choose one day and send your daughter to stay with her friends or some relatives, and give your wife flowers, take her out to dinner in a romantic restaurant, and at night dim the lights, light up some scented candles and make love to her... tell her that she is beautiful .... well these are some ideas and being romantic means being attentive and caring towards her so its something u can do everyday, for example when she is tired u can offer to cook dinner or do housework for her... u should be like that almost everyday ... buy small silly gifts for her , most people think that after marriage courtship stops, well they are wrong... and then u`ll notice that she also will change... but still if she continues to cheat on u then i think u should leave her because its not fair to put yourself through all this pain while she is having fun...

well good luck...

Answer 5

You are a very nice person to even consider forgiving her for what she has done. It's bad enough to cheat on your spouse, but to cheat on your spouse under the roof you share with the person to whom you made a vow, is unthinkable. Especially if you're working hard to pay for that roof and the food on the table, I would say leave. I can't believe people would use other like that. and then say, 'Oh, he wasn't paying enough attention to me. I was bored.' The desperate wife syndrome. If she had so much time on her hands, she could have made herself useful at the community center or at a local charity. She could have found a part-time job. But she didn't. Instead she played computer games like an immature teenager and hurt you and your daughter in the process. My advice to you lis let her go. Let her grow up a little and learn to appreciate what you had to offer. You are being noble, I know by being so apologetic. But please, it's not for you to apologize. It's for her to apologize. Even then I think you should put some distance between you and her. She's proved herself unworthy and undeserving of your trust and good will.

Answer 6

Sometimes a breach in the marriage is a wake up call and can in time actually strengthen the relationship. In order for this to happen a couple of things have to occur, you are on the right road to fixing your end of the deal. You hav taken ownership of what you may have done to contribute to the degradation of your marriage. You are also willing to look at forgiveness which is key to the solution if it is going to be resolved. Your wife has to do a whole lot of fixing. She needs to STOP being a gamer, she needs to act like a MOTHER and give your child a positive role model to follow. She needs to give a sincere apology which demonstrates the understanding that APOLOGIES MEAN NEVER AGAIN do I CHEAT ON MY SPOUSE! EVER! She needs to focus her flirting and promiscuous behavior on you, period. Forgive, Forget, Heal and Move On. Don't get played by her again, if she doesn't stop, dump her trifling ***! Good luck my friend this isn't an easy deal and it hurts, I'm pull in for you!

Answer 7

If I were you I would leave her. Cheating is cheating. You blame yourself partially for not being very romantic most of your life and that she needs and wants that, but one question though - did you guys ever talk about it? Did she ever sit you down and tell you how she wants to be treated? Communication is important and if you both never talked about it then she does not want to spend the rest of your life with you - she does not have the energy to be in a marriage with you and you need to leave her. You can forgive but you will never forget and the friends that I know that have been in similar situations have forgiven but it never worked out. I would leave - how dare she bring a man into your home - that is disgusting. I mean that is no respect for you - if you're going to have an affair atleast do it at a hotel. I would leave her - you can find someone - there is someone out there for everyone and at any age

Answer 8

If you really love her with all your heart,you will forgive her and will stay living with her.If you are a macho man(you know what macho's men do).It is really up to you,Because you can be a good and excellent man and husband in the comings years;but only you, who know your Lady, know exactly if she will do again.I have a friend who is living with a woman who always is cheating him.He say,he knows,but he can not leave her,because he loves her and he will not live without her.My brother had the same problem many years ago.Her wife was pregnant result of a cheating.He asked me and I say:if you love her you will stay,but if that happen to me, I will get the divorce.He until now is living with his wife, they have 2 children plus the other kid.Think good about it,if is possible get a counsellor,think with all your heart,mind,, and get some advices from professional people,priests,etc.Do not do something you will regret forever.If you love her you will stay and you will fix your marriage;if you feel that you can not fix the problem for yourself,get a good help.God bless you and help you to do the best for you,your marriage and your daughter.Good luck.

Answer 9

I really feel you man.
You sound forgiving and loving, so i believe you are going to forgive her. You need to ask her what she really wants to change about your romantic life because it matters a whole lot.
The way she wants the sex,how and when and the number fo times per time or whenever, a romantic dinner and things that will definitely keep the fire burning within the two of you everyday and waxing the love stronger.
You need to remind her to stop this affair thing for you to forgive her now and stay together forever.

Answer 10

First the simple answer - yes, forgive her. You must understand the forgiveness is not some kind of gift that you give her and saying "OH its OK honey." The fact is, its not OK, but to hang on to unforgiveness will tear you apart. we forgive others for our own benefit, not to let them off the hook.

second - you've dont the right thing by looking at what you can to for her. you can never change her. you can only change yourself. i would talk to her and see where she stands in this marriage. Tell her that you are going to get some counseling for yourself. tell her that it would be great if she wanted to come with you and work on the marriage as well, but bottom line is that you can only change yourself, and she can only change herself. once the two of you begin to become whole people on your own, then you can reasonably expect your marriage to begin to heal.

right now, you are both broken people and are in need of healing. sounds like you need healing from the wounds she has caused you, the wounds and realization that you have not been up to par as a husband. She needs healing from the pain and disconnect from you and the marriage, as well as the fact that she has been unfaithful.

the requirements that you have placed on her "A sincere apology, to stop talking to this guy, and to stop playing the game" are completely reasonable, and she should respect them. if she cannot respect them, you MAY need to stand up as the man of your house and have her separate until you both can work things out.

Hope this helps - let me know if you are unclear on any of this.