We have been married for 18 years with 4 kids ranging from 15 to 4. Most of our marriage has been plauged with problems in the bedroom although you wouldn't be able to tell it by the number of kids we have. Just lucky I guess. Anyway when the sex is there it is terific it is just that my wife's interest runs about once maybe twice a month if we arew lucky. I want us to make more time for ourselves and purposely carve out more time for us. My wife finds it hard to focus with all the chaos around us and wants everything in its place. The problem is that it will never be perfect and that is what she appears to be waiting for. Cheating and Divorce are not the answer so if those are your only suggestions keep them to yourself.
To me it is a matter of priorities. If she really valued our relationship she would find the time and energy to spend with me (sexually that is). Why is sex so hard for her and what can we do to find the spice more frequently?
2006-08-18 03:36:22 · 17 answers · asked by RC 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There's a wonderful book entitled "What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You & Your Father Didn't Know" by John Gray, Ph.D author of the #1 bestseller "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". It would well be worth both you and your wife's time.
You were wise when you stated that "my wife finds it hard to focus with all the chaos around us and wants everything in its place". (and by focus I assume you are talking about her sex life) Even though a woman can do multiply tasks, cook, clean, and watch the baby or help with homework at the same time, she is constantly in the same role for each task. She's a mother. A woman finds it very hard to jump from one role to another, mother to lover, and is incapable of playing both roles at the same time. This is where a little understanding from you and some gentle guidance in the right direction will allow her to "let go" of her responsibilities as the mother, housekeeper, cook, etc., temporarily and be able to enjoy sex with you like I know she wants.
For a man, the physical act of having sex, (making love), is his way to show his wife that he truely loves her. By nature, men act on their feelings, they don't really talk about them for the most part like a female. On the other hand, a female needs the tenderness and affection of the words and cuddling that comes prior to physical in order touch her in the same way. To a woman, she feels most loved prior to sex. That great hype is what makes the physical so very good as you spoke of earlier.
The book is great. It explains in very short passages, in easy to read form, the differences in how we as men and women are different and how we can take those differences with a little understanding and be successful in our relationship skills, better communication, and last intimacy.
Please give it a try. I bet you get so excited by what you find that you won't stop until you've read the whole book.
Good Luck and Best Wishes
2006-08-18 04:47:05 · answer #1 · answered by Julie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Less chocolate! Chocolate is a replacement for sex and affection so if she's eating chocolate she needs less of you... Eat more peanuts, her not you and have her eat other foods that arose the sexual being in her, look on line there are sites just for this sort of thing...
Try kama Sutra!!!! (The art of love making) buy a book, the oils and the cards! It works! and is very interesting... get a sitter more often for her even when you are at work so she can get to know herself again not just the mother and house wife she has become she is in there somewhere pull her out before it's too late...
You could also try a swingers club, try it once and she'll probably value yours and hers sex life more (or maybe not??? lol) It will give you both a chance to get away form yourselves and when it is all over you'll both be more then happy to be married to one another and see that nothing is wrong with the sex life you already do have but you won't feel that unless you experience that first hand... Also you could arose and unleash the sex crazed women that's been hidding behind mother and wife hood.... If there is already trust then theres not an issue if there is not trust to begin with then again it can make that issue improve as well (or well could make it worse) Depends on if either of you are jellious and controlling over one another.
Good luck just my thoughts...
2006-08-18 11:04:06 · answer #2 · answered by sophia_of_light 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said it...Priority!
All the things she is doing daily, not to mention the emergencies that pop up, at the end of the day falling in bed sometimes seems hard to do.
Some people are able to arrange their schedule to fit in everything they want to do, others just don't seem to get a grasp on how to even go about it.
I am a firm believer in spontaneity. If I was to send the kids to the park with the oldest in charge for a couple hours and wait for my spouse to come home to make love, I'm afraid by the time he got there I'd be knee deep in doing some kind of chore that could only be done while the kids were out of the house. That is women's priority.
Why don't you set something up. Make arrangements with a parent or adult that will stay with the kids one night a week and you take your wife out of the house. Go for dinner, or a picnic, or even a walk. Let her relax without all the stress around the home. Never know what coming into a quiet or empty house might do for her, and you.
2006-08-18 11:00:51 · answer #3 · answered by sassywv 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Many great answers here already. Has she ever given you a reason other than the chaos going on? Maybe her drive is simply less than yours as well. Not every person, even in an ideal world/situation, wants it often. I'm not one of those, but I have certainly had periods of time where I didn't want any. However, my biggest turn on is flirting and helping each other and him telling me I'm sexy or what he wants to do to me... things that happen long before we get into the bedroom, and which GET us to the bedroom. After 18 years though, yall must be doing some things right! Maybe, just maybe you could introduce her to some things that stimulate her on her own (like some videos or toys) and get her some time alone - without the kids and without even you. When you get back, she just might be real happy to see you! Anyways, good luck!
2006-08-18 11:15:34 · answer #4 · answered by hiddenhotty 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would talk to her about it and chances are she is thinking the same thing. Romance her i.e seduce her. Get someone to watch the kids or let the 15 year old hold the fort down. Take your wife to a nice restaurant, and for one night treat her like she is the best thing in the world to you. After you leave there depending on where you live then walk together holding hands like you did when you were younger. Tell her sweet nothings in her ear, and how much you love her. Then kiss her softly, and if she kisses you back then more than likely you have her. Take her home, and make her c** first. (If the problem is the kids then get grandma to watch them or pay a babysitter). Use your imagination, but depending on her don't get too kinky because it could kill the mood. If she doesn't respond to this then I think maybe you could go see a counselor for this.
2006-08-18 10:50:45 · answer #5 · answered by Crazychick 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is common with women who have children - she is getting a lot of her emotional needs meet by the children and therefore is not a dependent upon you anymore to for-fill them. I would suggest maybe spending the night away from the children and the house - it is hard to get romantic when you look around and see things that you need to get done - such as laundry, dusting etc. The other thing you might look at is maybe changing the time in which you want to get romantic - mornings might be better for her, before the children awake, she is rested, you never know. I hope you both can work this out - the good news is once the children move out she will be back to being all yours again.
2006-08-18 10:50:20 · answer #6 · answered by middle aged and love it 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get her away from home, that way she won't be able to focus on any of those daily duties.
I'm the same, if I get free time I attack all the little jobs around the house that I've always wanted to do but never find the time!
Take me away from that environment and put me in the position where I can't do anything about it, (with the help of a few glasses of red) and off I go!
2006-08-18 10:54:01 · answer #7 · answered by Kat 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should get someone to watch ALL the kids and take your wife on a vacation somewhere. If she is worried about household things then time away from all that would be great. Go to a nice resort or spa where everything is taken care of and concentrate on just the two of you and having some fun together.
2006-08-18 10:44:34 · answer #8 · answered by Maryam B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe plan a nite away from the children here and there. Is there things you use to do before the children that you can still do---dinner--card to show how much she is appreciated for things she does---simple things---It is hard when you have a family with 4 children with those age ranges...but get back to the simple things you both use to do--walks, etc....and do things with the children also like for dinner, set the table with candles etc and depending on the age of the children have them work on clearing off and cleaning up after dinner to give her a break---just think of different ideas.............18 years-I give you both credit...............
2006-08-18 11:59:22 · answer #9 · answered by tabby 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very easy;:Get a babysitter and plan dates with your spouse.
Being a mother of four is no fun and will drain all of your energy. You have to take her out and make her feel like a woman again, outside the laundry room and the soccer practices.
If you would like some more then you have to take the romance up a notch.
Good luck
2006-08-18 11:13:35 · answer #10 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋