We never intended to hurt you?

Question

I am in the process of dealing with the end of my ten year marriage. My husband had an affair with a co-worker and he is planning on moving in with her soon. I know my relationship is over but I am the type of person who needs to understand things in order to move on. I have two questions - how can a woman (or man) have an affair with a married man (or woman), who happens to be their boss after they met their wife and child. What is the attraction? He is a lying cheating pig.

Also, when both the ex and the other woman says "we never meant to hurt you" - what do you do with that statement. They had an affair - they lied, deceived and cheated. What other outcome could there be?

Answer 1

I feel for you too. The father to my children cheated on me too. I for one also needs to understand things in order to move on.

A woman who has an affair with a married man naturally is one who has low self esteem, no self belief, no moral, no proper upbringing, no sense of conscience and above all, no brains. Likewise can be said about the married man involved. Hence, it is not so much about attraction but more of stupidity.

When both the ex and the other woman says, "we never meant to hurt you", what they really mean is, "WE NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD EVER FIND OUT!"

The fact that he is moving in with her soon, clearly shows that there is no point in giving your marriage a second shot. However, just remember, they are the ones who lied, deceived and cheated. They are the ones who are having problems dealing with moral issues. Not you. So, dont ever put blame or guilt upon yourself. You deserve better and I can tell you are a woman with great strength to withstand all the shi* thrown to you.

It is alright to feel angry at this point of time. You are entitled to. Cry it out if you need to let go your pain. You will come to a stage when you look back one day, you will be able to laugh it off and cry tears of joy for doing what is right and fit for you.

Answer 2

Been there, done that, got the divorce. It hurts more than others can understand. This is a person you knew, and she deliberately chose to break up the marriage. I know, your husband did it too, but both of them were aware of what it would do to you and your child. They are selfish and cruel.

That's a weak apology, "We never meant to hurt you." Did they think you would jump up and down in joy?

The only help I can give you is that this really will pass. I was married for 20 years when my ex did this. After 10 years of a nasty divorce and going to court too many times to count, the floozy dumped him. It turned out she had 3 other men on the side that he didn't know about. That is when he really apologized to me and admitted he made a fool out of himself. The thing is, I didn't really even gloat at the confession. I was completely over the anger by then and could not enjoy the news.

Answer 3

A woman who has no morales, no self esteem and no respect for herslf will do such things. Well, the answer is obvious. He is the BOSS!

As for what they said. It all depends on what you want. I gave my ex-hubby and the woman a good lashing in a shopping mall when I saw them together. I must admit I never once regret it until today because nothing should justify an indecent affair. I am not afraid to face up to it in public as I have done nothing wrong.

Move on. It is not worth your time and effort to reason it out. There are no valid reasons for men /women to commit adultery. Don't dwell on it too long. You will only end up in depression, just like I almost did. Think of the bright side of life. All the wonderful things you could not do when you were married. Life is not the end without a husband.

Answer 4

Wow, I thought you were me for a minute. Same damn thing happened to my ten year marriage, going on three years now. The attraction is wanting somehthing they can't have. My husband was depressed after his father died. She (his boss who had recently been cheated on by her hubby) Convinced him that I just wasn't there for him (I was tired of him using Pop's death as an excuse to stay out drinking with the girls from his office almost nightly) Also, she turned to him for her hubby cheating....Well you see the sequence of events. Anyway, they never meant to hurt me either. The good news is not too long(6mos) after I left she realized what a dumba** she had been. She had actually told me on the phone once that because of her experience she would never. Karma=they are miserable

Answer 5

I say call them on the second statement. Yes, in fact they did mean to hurt you. Otherwise they would have told you the truth and been grownups about it. Tell them to their face that you do not accept the statement. I think the correct statement is "We did not mean for you to find out." Now that I buy into.
You may never understand the inner workings or this situation. They obviously did what they did and there is really no rationalizing it.
If she wants to be with a man who cheats on his wife then she can not be shocked when he does it to her.
Sad really.
Good luck hun. Find you a man. (if that's what you want) who will treat you well.

Answer 6

Well, let's be real you were pissed off that this has happened and he was evidently not a man of intergity which kept his word. It is alright to go through a time of anger just don't let it ruin your outlook in life. You have to heal to move on or the cycle will repeat, but as how to respond don't go over board ,but express how you feel to them if they say that.It will help you to heal in the long term and leave it in God's hands. That is where it should be anyway. On a positive note those relationships Do Not last they are consumed like a raging fire. Good luck!

Answer 7

You are right to be hurt - just do not let it last forever. Sometimes there are no answers - this happened to me and my husband could never explain it. The "we never meant to hurt you" statement is just a copout - there was never going to be anything but hurt from what they were doing. Start doing things for yourself - hold your head high and just remember he has lost out. The gf is now involved with someone she will never be able to totally trust - if he did it once he will do it again.

Answer 8

They are just trying to make themselves feel better about what they did. You know, I have always wondered the same thing......HOW can someone trust a person they had an affair with when they know that person is married???????? If he done it to you, you can rest assured he will do it to her or she will do it to him. This will come back on the both of them, they just set themselves up for some bad karma. Try to stay strong for you and your children.

Answer 9

Do not ask yourself this , 'cause as you look for answers your pain gets deeper.. Just send the two of them flying. Be strong, they betrayed you. Move along. You have children, dedicate yourself to them and take care of your appereance, that will make you feel a higher self esteem, and maybe He will want to come back to you. Even if it hurts, don't show him any tears, show him you can make it without him, do not ask him anything. If he decided that, he is the loser, you can be proud of yourself and mind clear that you never went that low. Be strong. Look for good friends advice, try to do thinks that will keep your mind busy and in a positive thinking.

Best wishes. What they meant with "We never meant to hurt you" means we never meant for you to find out".

Is not easy my dear but Be strong. My heart goes to you.

Answer 10

They are just trying to make it "OK" that they lied, deceived and cheated you. How would that give you any piece of mind?-I know we tore your heart out and did you wrong but we didn't mean to hurt you! BS- They never took you into account. There is no easy way for you to get through this. It will get better over time-trust me.