what would be a better choice? Help.?

Question

Ok...so im 13 right now and i oved a few provinces away from where i used to live a few years ago..i ahvent seen my dad fr 5 years now and we just got together for the first time about 3 weeks ago..ive been staying at his house since then and im only on a summer vacation ..but..i dont want to go back to where my mom and my stepdad and brother live..the schooling is harder and i have better friends here than what i do there. the only reason i would go back to where i live is because of my parents and brother..where here i ahve uncles,aunts,cousis friends and my dad. Schoolin is better here and i have more freedom...what should i do..go back to my moms and stepdads house? or stay with my dad?

....Whenever i talk to my mom about this on the phone she gives me a different answer one day she says i should stay because my da desearves to see me..and the next she is sad sayiing im her baby girl and she don wanna lose me because i have been thru everything she has been thru..im so confused i know she would be sad but i am tryin my hardest to get them to move back here ..because this is where i belong

ive really missed my dad over the past 5 years..my mom never wanted me around him because he always liked to Party every weekend i would come over for his visitation rights....i dcant convince her that he has calmed down and it isnt all about partieing anymore!!!!! ITS KILLING ME INSIDE THAT SHE HATES HIM SO MUCH!

He has changed Immensly since the last time i have seen him and he says he was heartbroken when we took off and moved millions of miles away from him.

Answer 1

Little One,
I'm so sorry for your anguish. You are quite right to feel so confused and upset, because this is not how life is supposed to be. You are supposed to be raised in a happy family with two adults who know what they are doing and exist to keep you safe, healthy and teach you to have joy.
It was wrong of your mother to move so far from your father. You deserve to have easy access to both your parents, and their divorce should not be your problem.
Like everyone else, your parents are broken people. They have failed in parts of their life and in their marriage and in their parenthood. As you grow older, try to find a way to forgive them. It will become easier as you make your own mistakes and understand how easy it is to fall down, and how hard it is to keep it together.
Although it is fun to have freedom at your Dad's, it is not necessarily an expression of love. Love isn't lazy. Your mother tells you that you can't do things and she has to put up with whatever crankiness you are willing to give her before you embarrass yourself to death. That's hard. But she says no for good reasons and because she has your best interests at heart.
Same goes for schooling. Life is so incredibly difficult, so much more difficult than you can imagine, and getting the best schooling you can while you are young is very, very important.
You see, having it easy at school feels great! It's such a relief. Until you realize that people who have high expectations of you, do so because they believe you are capable. And you are. People who have lower expectations are either lazy, or they don't have any respect for you.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your family. I have been in the same position as you, and it was a terrible way to begin life. However, when I got older, someone told me that I had two chances in life to have a good parent/child relationship, and I was only in charge of one of them. When you are young, you exist at the whim of your parents, but when you grow up, you can choose to create a better life for your own children (who, by the way, will still turn 13 and resent you for it - LOL)
It's your future, and you actually get to make a decision about how to shape it. At 13, you will only live with any your parents for 5 more years or so, then you have to deal with your own life. Where will you get loved the best? Where will you get the best start?
Think about your dad. He was willing to do whatever he was doing for five years without his little girl. Is that the kind of person who will make a loving, caring parent? Is that the kind of person YOU would choose to be the father of your children?
Whatever he has been doing for five years, he felt it was more important that seeing you through the most important years of your childhood. Yes, he is a broken person, and sometimes broken people need time to work on fixing themselves, and it's very difficult to be a good parent when you are busy picking up the pieces of your life.
The desire of a young woman your age for her father is very strong. He is shaping her and teaching her about what the world expects of a woman, his absence leaves a hole in your life that is impossible to fill.
A Dad isn't necessarily the person who fathered you, it's the person who does the work of a dad. Teaching, loving, working, providing. All those things. A person who has been absent since you were 8 (and likely didn't do the work before that), isn't your Dad.
Of course your Mom is angry with your Dad. She needed him, and he wasn't available. She knew you needed him, and the drugs and liquor and parties were more important to him than either of you. The one thing she needs to own up to is that he is the man she picked to be your father. She made a bad choice. Love her anyway. Make a better choice when it's your turn to be a parent.

Answer 2

At 13 I think you are old enough to decide which parent you want to live with, versus being 3 or 8. However, you JUST reconnected with your dad. I would suggest more visits to get to know each other better.

Some key things to think about: You mention that the schools are harder by you and better by your dad. I am not so sure how you know that the schools by your dad are easier. And easier doesn't mean it is a better school. And I don't think that is a very good reason to move unless the education by your mom's is pitiful. You also mention freedom. I think I would talk to your dad about what kind of rules he is going to have. Curfew....etc. As well as how often you can visit your mom. Living with him and visiting him might not be the same. And freedom isn't always the best for a 13 yr old. Hopefully your dad will have some rules for you if you chose to live with him. Finally, you mention your dad has a lot more family around him, and you have made some good friends. That's great. It's wonderful to have that support.

Yes, your mom and stepdad have rules, that's because they love you. It's very normal when people know each other for a long time to have disagreements and fights. Decisions and rules are because they want to keep you safe and create a good foundation for you when you become an adult---so you can make good decisions and be a good parent some day. Believe me--we have all gone thru this with our parents. Thinking we know better. And yes---they will miss you. But it doesn't seem like she wants to deny your relationship with your father or his side of the family...seems like she's making it be your decision and wanting to know she loves you. I lost my dad at 11 to cancer--and I know how it feels to ache for something...like having your dad around. I used to dream that he divorced my mom because that meant he was still around somewhere. So, I have an idea that you really need to be with him right now. However, I think it is more important right now---to get to know your dad a little bit better by more visits at this point. Good Luck!!

Answer 3

honestly, I think you should go back to your mom's house. The reason I say that lies in what you said in your question. "The only reason I would go back to where I live is because of my parents and brother." You didn't say my mom, stepdad and brother.

It's apparent you have a strong connection to your parents. At 13 you have a tough decision to make. The question you need to ask yourself is who has been there for you over the past 5 years? Dispite your father's absence, he could have contacted you, came to visit or something even though he doesn't get along with your mom. Maybe, as hurtful as it is to you, your mother has a good reason. At least in her mind.

In the end, I would encourage you to discuss this with someone. If not one of your parents, a school councelor, friends parents or someone to help you sort through this emotional decision.

Good luck girl

Answer 4

At least you seem to have the right motives about changing your living conditions. I think it would be good if you gave it a year. I mean live with your father a year and see what happens. You will always have your mom and your dad. The thing that I would watch out for is, an easier life doesn't mean a better one. Be smart and do what is right / not what feels good. Get it?

Answer 5

The truth is you should go back with your Mom. Having more freedom is the last thing you need at 13. You need guidance and restrictions to keep you safe. Visit your Dad when you can, but cling to your Mom. You need her and will need her more every day. You are not old enough to make that decision for yourself.

Answer 6

I think that then you added that one moment your mother seems fine and the next that she is breaking down and not wanting to let you go, says a lot. I think that your mother needs to get some help with possible manic/depressive and/or problems with letting go and letting you grow up some. I think that you should spend more time with your father.

Answer 7

Do what you think is right for you and your family in your heart. even if it feels selfish.
You can live with your dad, and visit your mum on holidays, or live with your mum and visit your dad on holidays.
It's up to you. You are 13 and you need support at this time in your life. Talk to them, sit down, and then tell them what you want.

Answer 8

Darlin this is something that should be discussed in the privacy of your home and not the internet. there is no better advice than to talk it out with your mom and dad togeather and you will come to a resoultion that way. good luck!

Answer 9

I think you need to stay where you are happy. Talk to your parents and tell them how you feel. Maybe they can come up with something. You have the right to chose. Do not let them chose for you. Do what you feel is right and it will the right discussion.

Answer 10

aww this is hard um.....i think if u stay at ur dads and u have like girl issues he a man but its up 2 u luv do whats best 4 urself good luck :)