How do I get my husband to see he's an alchoholic?

Question

The family, house and finances are suffering but he can not see the problem, he thinks I'm just a nagging wife!

Answer 1

Whilst your husband is in denial then the person really suffering is YOU and your family. You know there is a problem for you and you are the only person who can do something about it. If you carry on as you are how soon will it be before you are worn out, ill, broke and in no condition to look after yourself or your family?

The best way to help your husband see that things are a problem is to do what is right for you, you need to take control of your life again.This will mean having to be strong and assertive. At some point you need to tell him that he may not see a problem but you do - and if he doesn't agree to do something about his drinking then he will have to leave or you will.

Without knowing more about your husbands drinking pattern and history I cannot say what kind of help would be most appropriate for him right now. One thing is for sure, nobody can do anything to stop his drinking but him. The cycle of change describes the stages that people with addictions of any kind go through before quitting. The first stage is where your husband is at right now, 'I don't have a problem, I am quite happy with my drinking and don't see why I should stop. The second stage is the acknowledgement that there is a problem, even if the user may not know what to do about it. The third stage is the decision to change, the decision to seek help. The fourth stage is getting that help and actively staying off the drink. At any stage the user can relapse back to stage one again - at which point the whole process starts again.

Unfortunately for partners and families they cannot afford to wait for the drinker to begin this process. You have a problem and you need to do what is best for you and your family. It does not mean that you have turned your back on your partner, if you say 'it is me or the drink'. You should make it clear that you love him and that if he seriously shows that he is willing to try and change his destructive behaviour then you will be by his side supporting him in his efforts.

At this stage I suppose that what I am saying sounds difficult. Do not try to handle this on your own. Talk to people you can trust, friends, family, your doctor. Find out about family support groups such as families anonymous - see link below. Learn more about the kinds of treatment available for alcoholism - rehabs, twelve step groups (Alcoholics Anonymous). I used to be an alcohol counsellor and I know that many people can and do turn their lives around. First though they have to want to. Look after yourself until then, that is my main message to you. Look after yourself because if you are ruined financially, physically and emotionally you will be in no position to help your partner or yourself.

Apologies for going on a bit! Feel free to contact me if you feel the need to talk about this more.

Answer 2

You must be going through an awful time now, having to take care of the house, the bills, and trying to get him healthy.
The sad part is this..after all your hard work, you may end up worse off than now. Stop nagging, and save yourself. YOU are the Only person You can change. No one can make you or him do anything. All you have the ability to do in this situation is make yourself happy. After living with an alcoholic myself, I found the best way to get happy again was to move out, or maybe in your case, kick him out. However you do it, separate yourself from him. There are many books to keep you in the right direction, and by doing this, you help him too. The books are CoDependent No More, by Melody Beattie, The Dance of Anger, Men Who Hate Women and the Women that Love them....and so many more. Good Luck, Love yourself enough not to get sucked into the black hole of living and taking care of an alcoholic.

Answer 3

There is nothing you can do to make him realize that. He has to come to that by himself and he also has to be the one to seek help. You have to start looking after yourself because this relationship is very destructive for you. A great book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will help you see how this has impacted you and what you can do to help yourself. It does not focus on your husband - just you. It will really lift your spirits. Another good program is Al-Anon - it is hard to go the first meeting but the love and support you will receive there will really help. My thoughts are with you because I am going thru the same thing except my marriage has ended. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

Boy, that's a tough one!!! Ask him to read the list of questions you'll find at the AA sites. Download, print and ask him to take the test.
BUT the best thing you can possibly do is get to AlAnon. Go to meetings and you'll learn their advice.
Here is a web site you might also find interesting: http://rational.org/index.html

Answer 5

Unfortunately, he's going to have to see that for himself. That's the first step to recognizing that he's an alcoholic. All the talking in the world isn't going to help him. He'll have to hit rock-bottom and I do mean rock-bottom. Good luck and peace be with you.

Answer 6

you cant the only way your husband will see it is by his own admission.
no amount of talking and begging will help it's like every addiction you have to hit rock bottom for you get back up. it may take him years to hit rock bottom
i know this will be hard on everyone hopefully when he does hit bottom he will have lots of help with his recovery good luck +
best wishes

Answer 7

If it's affecting friends, family and coworkers. Have an intervention, that will help him realize he has a problem!

Answer 8

Go and buy loads of chocolate, and wait until he starts accusing you of being a chocoholic.
Then you have a comparison to show him.

Answer 9

There is none so blind as those who refuses to see. You can't help him,unless he recognizes that he has a problem , and wants help.

Answer 10

Divorce usually works pretty well