My soon to be Hubby wants a Baby... How can I tell him Not Ready.?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year or more, and we are planning for our wedding. For the past few weeks he said he wants to have a child soon as we can, and that we should start trying. He also keeps telling me his destiny is to be a good father. He's a good guy, so it’s no doubt he wouldn’t be. I’m not ready, and I have tired to tell him this, but he tells me I'm just scared that we will fail as parents.
I have just a year left to get my B.A. He supports me, and make sure I do good in school. I don’t know how to get threw to him that, I’m not ready, without hurting his feelings... Could it also be because he’s adopted? We just found out his real parents and family, and it didn’t go to well. They basically told him he was mistake and that he was never wanted. Or maybe because he is older than me. He’s about 7 to 8 years older than me. Age never matter to us. I really do love him. We also have a very honest and good relationship.

Answer 1

It's great to hear that you have such a good relationship! I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one that's truly happy with my man with all the problems that you hear constantly everywhere.

I'm sure his being adopted has to do with his want/need to be a parent. That will fulfill him in a way, b/c of the hurt of abandonment. Not that it's good that he had to endure that pain, but he'll be that much better of a dad for it.

And a lot of it is his age....men hit this point in their lives when they say 'oh crap....i'm 35, single, with no kids.' If that is the case anyway....and then they're motivated to remedy the problem ASAP. It's normal. Just explain to him that you want more than anything in the world to carry his baby. But it's just as important to you to be a good parent as it is to him, and for you, that means finishing your degree. That way you can start a successful career after having the child.

If you put it into terms that this is very important for you to make YOU feel like a good parent, then he'll probably understand, b/c he knows how it feels to have the need to be a good parent for his baby.

Answer 2

First of all, don't get married.

This is a major difference of priorties.

You mentioned he is seven years older. He is ready to have a family now. He assumes you are too. If you are not then part of your relationship is a lie. You say you have told him, but; apparently you are not getting your point across and that is poor communication on your part, no likely poor listening on his part.

You also mentioned he was an unwanted pregnancy. Of course that has something to do with his mind set. Your mind set seems to be about finishing college and having a career. The two of you are so far apart it is ridiculous. This will come back to bite you and hard. I don't care if he supports your education. He has been clear about what he expects of this relationship.

Here's the point. You have to make a decision. So does he. You don't want children in the immediate future. He does. Ask him if this is a deal breaker. If it is then you need to back out of this relationship, or let him get you pregnant, and forget about what you want. This is an either or situation, no compromise available.

I am pretty sure this is not what you wanted to hear. you wanted me to tell you how to persuade him that you are right. The problem is that you are not right and neither is he. This is all about timing and right now your timing is not the same as his. Like I said the age thing makes a difference. The rejection makes a difference. The bit about being a good father, that makes a difference, but in a creepy; why are you so obsessed with how others see you way.

In short, don't go into a marriage based on false expectations and half-truths. It will make for a short marriage and an early divorce. If you are not ready for children and he is then perhaps you need to find someone who is more in tune with your timing and not his own.

Sorry, but that is just the way it is.

Answer 3

If he truly loves you and supports you, he will realize your education needs to come first. Waiting a year for a baby isn't that big of a deal. Actually, it's preferred, I think, because suppose something were to happen and you were left with raising a child and your education would go onto the back burner, and thus, any hopes of getting a really good job will go down the drain, too. I realize in a marriage, there is a lot of give and take and the same should be when communicating. If he is 7 to 8 years older than you, he might be worried about his own mortality. You know, afraid he won't be able to keep up with a youngster, whatever. I would stay on the birth control pills until you are done with your schooling, if he won't listen to reason.

Answer 4

Hi, I've been in your shoes my husbad is older than me and he was ready for child a long time before i finally felt it was the right time. he couldn't understand why i didn't want a baby and before i would just let him comment and tell me why he felt it was the right time then we had a god heart to heart and i explained to him that i would always look at that baby and think of the fact that i had you because your dad wanted a child and that the feeling wasn't mutual and it would take away from the excitement and joy a pregnancy brings and that in a small way i'd always hold my husband responsible into forcing me into a situation that i was not ready for and wasn't able to handle the way it is supposed to be trust me when you want a baby it is the only thing you can think of you crave it like you crave your favorite food and it's like air you just have to have it and it is the strongest feeling of want you'll ever have and then you'll know you're ready and when you're finally ready good luck hope this helps

Answer 5

If you want my opinion, Be straightforward, but restrained. Tell him that You DO love him very much, but now is just not the time for you. Explaining that like you only have a year to go in school. And that you getting pregnant right now would, complicate things TOO much. But promise him that after school, getting a bigger home, and get your carrer on the right track, that you will still be willing to have a family with him.

Nice to have a man's perspective once in a while, huh?

Answer 6

he sounds like he is going to be a great father! I know how hard it is that you good to school but having a child does not put an end to that! If I was you then I would go ahead and get off birth control and start having intercourse with no protection. It sometimes take a long time before your able to get pregnant and then once you do it take almost a year for the little one to get here! so go ahead and start trying! it is worth it

Answer 7

i think of your husband has already made his determination when you consider that he does not even subject with condoms. yet in spite of this you will desire to take a seat him down and get a superb answer out of him- he the two desire a toddler or he does not. announcing he desires to attend isn't a undeniable and its no longer a no. How long does he decide to attend? a toddler is a extreme subject and if he's undecided approximately it then tell him to place the condom on! If he rather skill no then you rather'll purely would desire to settle for it. You stated you have already got 3 infants, be gratefull some human beings cant even have one.

Answer 8

hi
listen i think you should talk to him son
open and clear
because if he really loves you
he will understand

but if he doesnt agree
you should know as soon as possible
not aftre marriage

happy wedding to both of you though

Answer 9

just explain things clearly to him and listen also to what he will say..

Answer 10

you should be honest with him