Spilling my guts here and I hope you dont step on them?

Question

hello everyone or whoever is reading this I feel like a piece of **** right now and I don't know what to do it's like the whole deal is I have very low self esteem and I don't know what to do about it I've tried the doctors and the medication and bullshit and had therapy but it doent work really Im not askin for help but just for u to listen I dont even know why Im doing this but its late and everyones sleeping I cant sleep and I feel horrible hopefully typing this will help me feel better see I was abused as a child and everyone has always had something to say about me never the less at school and even in my own family and home I could never get any support in any way and right now I dont live with my parents anymore and I still feel like a piece of **** and I dont know whyand all its like no matter how hard I try to feel better about things and make myself it doesnt get any better no matter what I do and Im living with my boyfriend right now and his family and theyre incredibly nice and a very loving family and they respect u a lot and it's like Im not used to it despite how long about 5 months Ive been living with them Ive been trying hard to accept them and the way they treat eachother and everything it drives me mad and into further depression I know they have said to me that they were here for me but Im just not ready to open up and have to let them in it's so ******* hard because I have avoidant personality disorder and I like to avoid people and close myself off to things bc Im scared it's been a struggle and will keep being a struggle until I change until I start to love myself but I hate myself I undeniably hate myself I want to not hate myself and everyone keeps telling me how to love myself I listen and try but it doesnt work for me yah know it sucks so bad any ideas anyone

Answer 1

check your email.

Answer 2

Well you pretty much answered your own question. Obviously from experience you seem to be aware of various options available to you. Living with your b/f family even if they are a nice family as you say is understanably hard for you when you have not experienced such from your own family so in some way you are residing in a foreign environment. But use this as an opportunity to realise that not everyone out there is nasty nor are they going to hurt you. There are loving people out there. People are naturally wanting to help you but as you say you are avoiding this compassion which is a natural reaction when someone has been hurt. Firstly to move on in the world you are going to have to develop some trust and that includes trusting yourself to committ to others niceness.It is very sad that you have suffered so much in your life however you need to rise above this and become determined to no longer be the victim of such treatment but instead a survivor. You are a worthwhile human being who deserves to have a nice life and be loved as it seems you are by your b/f and his family. Use this as a first step. Remember you can only feel as bad as you allow yourself to be, get back onto the therapy and the medication, whilst it isnt a magical cure it helps you to be rational enough to be able to tackle your issues. Get a good assessment done by a DR who specialises in mental health and be sure that you are on the right medication as not all meds suit everyone.
Good luck

Answer 3

A ha, i recognize stream writing when I see it...just blabbing your thoughts down as you are thinking them. Well, do this more often and maybe on a blog rather than on Yahoo Answer. Just have it open for public opinion if you want feedback.

YOu're not ready to be open? is it because you dont know what to say when they say "just tell us whats wrong". I think what you did above was real nice and you're opening up to yourself. Just remember, what happen to you was NOT YOUR FAULT. Got that line from "good will hunting". You might like it. The thing you need to know is, it takes time (months, years) for things to clear and it doesnt happen naturally. You're gonna have to go through some tough thinking and keeping a blog/journal of some sort helps organize your thoughts. Realize things that are and arent in your control (like how your parents act). If you think you are stuck somewhere, listen for advice but dont blindly believe.

I keep things to myself too as you probably feel other ppl do not understand 100% and you cant find a way to explain to them. The internet is appealing in that way, everyone is anonymous.

Hope this helps as actually, im trying to write my thoughts down too (check out my nice and empty yahoo!360 blog).

Answer 4

Crap like what you are carrying around is never easy to deal with. I can only offer my own experience and tell you that after years of therapy I might have a handle on my problems. I know it doesn't offer you much hope but some days are better than others and I have more good days than bad. I don't want to "spill my guts here" but my situation was very similar to what you describe and I had to put a lot of physical distance between my family and myself and I am going to stop calling them for a while. Whenever I deal with my family I get very depressed. So I stay away from them and then I feel better. I hope you start to feel better soon. It might help to get therapy again since you have moved away from your family. I wish you lots of luck.

Answer 5

I don't know you but I know you are NOT a piece of ****! A therapist told me something once that helped me with my self-esteem problem: You are a legitimate human being...you have a right to exist and have feelings just as much as anyone else. I would suggest going for more counseling and don't give up...your boyfriend's family sounds really great. Keep trying to let them get closer to you...just a little bit at a time. Please hang in there. You might want to find a group online (like in Yahoo Groups) that you can just chat with and get some moral support...Online might not be quite so scary. Best wishes to you...

Answer 6

Hey don't worry about it just know someone out there was listening. I like listening actually. I don't always know the best advice but I can listen. You know what always puts me in a good mood though even if I'm feeling pretty low? Ice cream. I'm not even kidding. Sit down with a friend and have some ice cream. Take a moment and forget about anything that's bothering you. If you're not an ice cream person (or if you're lactose intolerant...) I'm sure you can figure out a substitute. (Just don't overeat or anything. But in my opinion, ice cream is dairy and dairy is healthy so therefore ice cream = healthy :)
Hope that brought a smile to your face no matter what's going on.

Answer 7

Wow, you really are in a bit of a mess. I have no real ideas of what you could do. you seem to have tried all the conventional methods of help. Why don't you go on one of those retreat things, where you just get time to spend with yourself and sort through whats going on in your head and wgat you want from life and how you are going to get these things. I think they have people there that you can talk to if you want and groups that discuss everything. They used to be religious things, but i think they cover all 'spiritual' areas nowadays. I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad, wish i had answers for you. Good luck.

Answer 8

Judging by your harsh background, it sounds like you have a very hard time accepting that you deserve to be loved. This is why you put a wall around yourself. It's your defense mechanism. You've been taught very early on to hate yourself. You learned anger, hate, and resentment. That is all you knew for so long. Your mind has been programmed to think that way. Now that you are in a better environment with loving people, you don't know how to function. It is quite normal to feel the way you do after abuse in your old home. Even animals who has been abused exhibit behaviorial problems.

Medication and counseling takes a long time to work. You have to have the will and patience to work with them. You have to reprogram your old way of thinking because your thought patterns are very destructive. If you continue on this path, it may destroy relationships that are precious to you now. Focus in on how you talk to yourself. What you say to yourself are like self-fullfilling prophecy. You begin to believe what you think of you. You will have to change your thought patterns by consciously telling yourself that you are deserving of love and you are good. Keep doing it, this could take months if not years to accomplish. You begin to believe it and feel it. Later on, it will become 2nd nature. Take a hold of your own emotions and don't allow it to control you. Email me if you have any questions.

Answer 9

Healing takes time. Try to feel better about yourself. Being abused is a bad deal and can make anyone feel this way. Just be thankful some people in this world actually care. Hope things work out for you and you overcome this.

Answer 10

Just know that you matter....you may not realize it but there is a reason for your being here...You are really being hard on yourself. Meditate...if you have a spiritual belief pray attend church...there are so many avenues available to you. If money is a concern there is free counseling available. Just know that you can and will be happy ..you deserve to be happy. Take it one day at a time and I know it will be better. I went through some tragedies in my life and at times I did not know if I wanted to live or die....but I chose life and you know what? It ain't perfect but I am better. Day by day...bit by bit ...step by step. You are going to be OK. God bless and keep you! Keep the faith!

Answer 11

You are very brave. Changing the way you feel about yourself is a long and sometimes brutal struggle. However, you are obviously intelligent, you are surrounded by people who love and care for you, and you know that what you are feeling does not accurately reflect you or the world you inhabit. I wish you the very best and encourage you to keep fighting, knowing as you do that one day you will be free.