This Retarded Hat-
1+1=3, he fell from the heaven spot.
His name is still on the wall of that irish pub.
His fame is now one arm and bum legs.
He sacrificed all to sprawl his thesis on walls.
They came with primer and buffed it all...away.
We had not the foresight to see the next...evening.
They lie. Half a wake in the mourning to pity the fallen.
All i have are these frail words that i abuse.
All i have is this culture that is dead to you.
We all look like we stepped on claymore mines.
"Veterans of wars with time."
I find the time to ask for my brother back twice
and the strength not to kill his mother for taking his life.
I take a minute to build a hammer and smash the clock.
They run through these worm holes from the tick to the tock.
I wake up to pull the ticks out before the larva hatch.
All i have to show is baggy pants and this retarded hat.
2006-08-17 17:14:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
...particularly liked the
"Half a wake in the mourning" bit.
Clever
2006-08-17 17:30:12 · answer #1 · answered by Bart S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
now...i’m no english scholar, but you change from 2nd person to 3rd person...and that’s bad for one reason or another. it has a good message...but the eyes trip up on the lack of good diction and flow.
"He sacrificed all to sprawl his thesis on walls." -- thesis...that must have been a thesaurus or something cause that’s really unpleasing to the ear. on another note, you might want to make SOME kind of pattern in the poem since you’re not rhyming, use syllables...like a limerick but with your own pattern...AND i don’t know if you did this on purpose but when the last line says "retarded" you sound....youthful and in the beginning you use words like "frail" and "sprawl" did you loose your maturity after all that has happened, happened
ps: im just assuming you wrote the poem
2006-08-17 17:29:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
put down the bottle...step away from the drugs....you can do it...step 1 is admitting you have a problem...can you do that? now say, I am an addict. Pour all of your alcohol down the drain, and flush all the drugs down the toilet. It'll be ok. Your family loves you. Just ask them for help. I'm sure they'll give it to you. Good luck with all 12 steps! I know you can do it!
2006-08-17 17:21:26 · answer #3 · answered by Y-Knot 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's Dark and Sad and somtimes evokes feelings of pity and anger at the same time. It makes me feel frustrated by abivelence to the individual struggles we all feel. Hmm I like it.
2006-08-18 16:12:57 · answer #4 · answered by sweet-stuff 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well on a scale of 1-10 i rate our poem 10 as not everone can express what they feel so beautifully and you have done it......
Good Work There......
2006-08-17 18:41:06 · answer #5 · answered by Genius__me!!!!!!!! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem gets what you are trying to say out there, but you meter is wrong and inconsistant. If you cleaned that up, it would be better. I rate it a 5.
2006-08-17 17:33:31 · answer #6 · answered by joandi_99 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I rate your poem a 10. You painted a picture, for us, of your feelings and that is not an easy thing to do.
2006-08-17 17:24:29 · answer #7 · answered by Little Debbie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a extraordinary poem. Did you compose that? ON a scale of one to ten.I give it a twelve,because it's off the charts.
2006-08-17 17:29:20 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
dawg that **** is wack i spit flows that come way harder then that im that cat that will snacth ya hat and **** in it and hand it right back how u feel about that u simpin at the pub well im at the club gettin doves cause all hoes show me love what?
2006-08-17 17:22:07 · answer #9 · answered by pistolgrip104 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think I get the point.. It makes me want to think about each line more in-depth. And if I had more time, I'd do just that...
2006-08-17 17:25:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋