Is a non-custodial parent's BDSM lifestyle grounds for the custodial parent to seek supervised visitation?

Question

I ran across the blog belonging to the "slave" of my ex-husband. I know that this blog belongs to her because she posted her picture along side it. She goes into great detail about their BDSM lifestyle. I find this Master/slave lifestyle disturbing, especially when I think about my 2 teenaged daughters spending time around this couple. Is this type of lifestyle a valid reason to request modification in visitation?

My oldest daughter says she heard her father whipping his girlfriend. "Their bedroom is right next to ours."

Answer 1

Try learning about the lifestyle before you judge it. No BDSMer in their right mind would expose children to their sexual (or ritualised lifestyle) choices. Fact is, their lifestyle has not a thing to do with you. If they choose to publicise it on the net, that is their business.

For you to request modification of visitation based on their private lifestyle would be as absurd as them requesting a modification because you smoke (for an example) and it could harm the kids (without having the proof that it actually harms them). Like everyone who smokes and has others in the house, precautions are taken to not harm others while doing anything.

It is the same way with BDSM. Precautions are taken to only indulge when no one else (except for the consenting couple or those who consent to seeing activities) are present. Those who don't (or can't) consent are not involved. My partner and I are so careful that we even go as far as to only practice some parts of our lifestyle (the heavier, sexualised, ritualised parts) when the children arent even in the house. The rest of the time, all they see is the fact that their father loves me, and that I love him and do nice things for him rather than him doing them for himself.
To meet us, you would have no idea we do what we do, and that is how we like to keep it. We (like many other BDSMers) are intensely private people.

From experience, the most your teenagers would probably see is your ex and his partner in a very "traditional" type relationship, probably not unlike the one people grew up with in the 50s and 60s, a mutually loving, non sexualised relationship, and a man being cared for by a woman. Where is the harm in that?

Answer 2

Your kids wellbeing is the most important concern. But the privacy of an adult concenting couple's private intimate life is also important.

What they do in private is not of concern - and most BDSM prople are extremely private. Certainly there should be no hint of it in front of the children. But the fact that you can recognise the girlfriend from her blog means that your daughters might find this as well and be offended by the content.

But unless your daughters are percieving something that makes them uncomfortable, then there is no grounds for taking such severe action.

If there is ANY doubt that there may be inappropriate behaviour in the presence of the children then you most certainly must take some action. But wouldnt it be better to TALK with the couple instead of going straight to court?

Almost everyone I know in the BDSM lifestyle community has children or young reletives and NONE of them would EVER let any hint of this adult sexual behaviour be percieved by them.

So you are right to be concerned. Act on that concern and be cautous. But please allow this couple to have their privacy and do not punish the father by restricting access to his children if they are acting responsibly. But by all means put protocols in place to make sure you are reassured on that point. Talking is best. Written communication if talking is impossible. And legal action only as a last resort. At a minimum you should ask the girlfriend to make her blogg less tracable to her and your ex-husband just in case.

Trust your instincts.

Answer 3

Any lifestyle that a parent has that is detrimental to the health and welfare of their children is a problem, and remedies for this need to be in place. However, it then needs to be demonstrated that a given lifestyle is of that category.

Is BDSM dangerous for children? That's a difficult one to answer as BDSM encompasses so many areas of behaviour. Obviously sexual activity should not be exposed to children and even teenagers. Sex can be discussed with at a level appropriate for the child's age, and I would guess that some teenagers can be involved in a number of BDSM topics. (My guess is that they are generally aware of it anyway.)

I presume that the big concern is the Master/slave interaction. That is a tough one. I suspect that if it is blatant, it might not be well-received by teenagers, on even other adults. One central component of BDSM is consent, and I believe that should extend to spectators, even in a vanilla context. (That's why public acts of sexuality is discouraged by laws and social etiquette.) At this point, it becomes a question of whether or not your teenagers can handle the concept of a Master/slave relationship or not.

That is still the providence of the custodial parent. If you feel that your daughters should not be exposed to this, then your ex needs to know this so that he can adjust accordingly. If he is not accommodating, then the visitation issue needs to be addressed.

I will suggest that before a final judgment of a course of action is made, educate yourself about your ex's relationship and how it appears to your daughters. Perhaps he and his slave put on a vanilla face when his daughters are around. They may even show a positive side as I doubt that many conflicts between him and her ever manifest in front of others (as opposed to couples to fight in front of their children). I recommend taking with your ex about these issues, express your concerns, and be open to the idea that he may be doing nothing harmful to your daughters.

I wish you well as you deal with this difficult issue.

Answer 4

Every person I have ever met in the BDSM scene has been concerned with being discrete and just as dedicated to being good parents as any other 'vanilla' people.

Do you want your kids to know intimate details of your sex life? I think it would be cruel and useless to bring up something like this as a weapon against your ex-husband. It's not your kids business just like it's not your business anymore.

Be thankful that your ex wants to be involved with the children. You should encourage that and try to maintain a good relationship with him. That's what's best for your children.

Answer 5

It's more common than you think, and I wouldn't be surprised if you had a judge who is in the lifestyle. As long as they keep it private, I don't think it would harm your girls, you say you ran across a blog, meaning that even though he has custody, they did not run up to tell you about seeing things.

For one if your girls are teenagers, they have every right to say who they want to live with. The judge would listen to them, but as far as the sexual lifestyle of your husband, you are pulling at strings.

Answer 6

Whoa, tough issue. One question that might be legitimately raised is "how much of the blog is just wild fantasy and how much is reflection of an erotic power relationship?", which is something lawyers are likely to ask.
If your ex and his partner are responsible kinksters (yes, there ARE such critters out there; I know quite a few in the East Coast US!), they are probably being very conservative around the kids, so as NOT to freak them out, lose visitation rights, cause scandal, etc. (Coming out of the "closet" is tough; coming out of the "toybag" is even tougher.) Consider talking with your ex about the situation; consider talking with your attorney.
And I'd recommend the very excellent _When Someone You Love is Kinky_ (Easton & Liszt; Greenery Press) as a resource.

Answer 7

you need proof. Although, as the fiancee of a non custodial parent, apparently moms can say just about anything in court-with no proof- and win...we just experienced it first hand. So, my advice is you have nothing to lose, take him to court. If you win, then you can petition for him to pay your lawyer's fees

Answer 8

I don't think so. People used to say the same thing about homosexual parents. I hardly think they will perform sexual acts in the presence of your children.

Answer 9

Bieng gay is also a lifestyle so you might have an uphill legal battle with that one but as a parent, I do understand your concern.

Answer 10

Possibly. If the girls are exposed to this stuff, then sure. In fact, if I were the judge, I'd make him to your house to see them.