Ok, so here's the deal:
I've been married for 6 years. (got married when I was 43)
I trust my husband... our finances are good and we have no children. (his 3rd marriage, my 1st)
He's very passive aggressive. He hasn't been interested in any type of intimacy for about 4 years. He's not gay, he's not having an affair and he's not surfing for porn. Really.
He's just... not interested.
He can be emotionally abusive. Last night, we went to dinner and I ordered steamed mussels. When I found some that weren't completely open, I asked the waiter if it was ok to eat them.
My husband scowled and said, "You shouldn't order something you don't know how to eat." It's just a small example of everyday things that happen.
I've got a good job and a good salary.
There are many good things about this guy... but I don't feel very cherished or appreciated.
Am I too picky? Doesn't every couple have "stuff?"
I feel very lost and would appreciate your thoughts.
2006-08-17 14:37:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Additional details: he has been to an MD, so no physiological reason for no sex.
We have been to counseling-- four different couselors for a total of about 18months.
All the work involved with leaving and lawyers just exhausts me thinking about it.
So.... do I leave? Separate?
Many thanks.
2006-08-18 01:30:49 · update #1
All couples do have "stuff",but this is different.It sounds like there is something else going on with him that he isn't ready or doesn't know how to talk about.Has he seen a doctor lately?Maybe he hasn't lost interest in sex,but perhaps there is a problem that he is too ashamed to talk about with you.Ask him to go to the doctor.Tell him how his attitude is affecting you.Tell him that you love him,but that you question whether he loves you because he seems withdrawn and doesn't accept your advances.That's really about all you can do.Try to get him to open up and if he doesn't I'm afraid you may have to leave the relationship,because your emotional wellbeing and self-esteem are too high of a price to pay for staying to help someone who doesn't want help.
2006-08-17 15:01:22 · answer #1 · answered by girlqueen 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Passive aggressive. Emotionally abusive. Hmm. So many people marry for reasons outside of love. You should feel secure in your marriage. Yeah, every couple has "stuff" they go through, but no one should feel emotionally abused.
Passive aggressive people let you know what they're really thinking when something totally unrelated ticks them off. It is hard to get them to be true to their feelings or honest with others about how they really feel. They'll tell you everything is OK until you tick them off.
You didn't mention whether or not you addressed the intimacy issue. That's a start. A guy like that can make you wonder if you weren't picky enough. There are just some things money can't smooth over.
2006-08-17 22:32:59 · answer #2 · answered by divabylaw 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have to ask yourself, why is this his THIRD marriage? Maybe he was 'passive aggressive' to his previous wives till they couldn't take it.
The sex part aside- although lack of intimacy can be very hard on a relationship- he does sound mean & abusive. I put up with a relationship like this for about 3 years, and in that time I forgot what it was like to be treated kindly and cherished by someone. He belittled everything I did. Made me feel guily for being myself, would bring up my past mistakes constantly, just to be hurtfull. When I finally left him, after he became phisicaly abusive, well a year after he became physicaly abusive, I realized that relationships are not supposed to feel that way. I had forgoten what healthy love felt like.
Every couple has their 'stuff' but emotional abuse is a serious problem and you shouldnt have to live the rest of your life feeling like crap, no one should. Good luck & stay stong
2006-08-17 22:02:30 · answer #3 · answered by RED 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you are in a relationship that lacks alot of important things vital to a marriage. Intimacy, appreciation, sensitivity to the other person's feelings are necessary to maintain your self esteem and happiness....
This man is clearly neglecting you and he is not valuing everything that you bring into the marriage.
You need to feel desired, loved, cherished....you need to feel feminine and sexy and it sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings or needs....
I can relate to how you feel on that level because my husband has made me feel that way. He has actually pointed out my flaws rather than giving me compliments. It is painful and it makes me feel unwanted and empty inside...
I don't think you are being picky...you just want to be appreciated for the wonderful, strong woman you are and you want a man to treat you like a lady. Stop taking his s h i t and take a stand...there is a reason why it is his third marriage I would guess....
Pamper yourself....do things to make yourself feel good and if necessary, ignore him....don't take the abuse any longer. It will eat you alive and leave you feeling dead if you let it....
Take care....
2006-08-18 02:55:28 · answer #4 · answered by Cute But Evil 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Emotional abuse is not excusable and doens't mean you're picky. Marriage is about love and respect. My ex was very emotionally abusive, and I finally got up the courage to leave him. That's not to say that all relationships require leaving. Is he open to counseling? Some people just don't realize how their behavior affects the ones they love. This is his third marriage... I read something interesting recently. It talked about how people don't learn how to have a loving relationship with eachother so they leave and move on, and then problems again manifest themselves in teh next relationship, and it's the same cycle again and again. Counseling is about breaking the cycle and learning how our behavior affects our lives and the ones of those we care about. I recommend finding someone to talk to, and ask him to come with you. If he doesn't want to come with you then you should go on your own. That counselor can give you effective ideas on how to talk with your husband, what is normal behavior in a relationship, and helkp you to feel confident in your own feelings and stand up for yourself. I wish you all the best.
2006-08-17 21:50:11 · answer #5 · answered by CR 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wait, you haven't figured out the common denominator yet? You sound very smart (avoiding marriage for so long)and quite intelligent, however I must wonder about your deduction abilities. He had been thrown away twice by two different women...and your wondering if it's you? He's an a$$ and can't seem to appreciate anyone or anything. His disinterest is his way of dewomanizing you. Making you feel as if you aren't sexy enough for him... which is probably nothing farther than the truth. Stop second guessing yourself, this is just what this creep wants you to do. Make you feel as if you are defective, or 'picky'. Don't let him get to you....let your lawyer get to him. Dump him.
2006-08-17 21:49:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think that you are too picky at all. If you are unhappy then you need to do something to change it. Tell him how you feel. Tell him it hurts to be belittled in public. As for not interested in sex is there a medical problem involved???? I think life is way too short and you are too young to be done with a sexual relationship with your husband. If you feel it is worth saving the marriage then talk it out with him. Maybe you could try counseling. I hope that all works out for you.
2006-08-17 21:51:28 · answer #7 · answered by miss_nikki214 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as though he is depressed. He may need counseling. Does he smile or seem pleased with anything? I wouldn't stay in a marriage or relationship with out affection. I crave affection and can't live with out it. Emotional abuse or verbal is not good. I was married for 15 years to a man I couldn't please he was negative about everything ...divorced 6 years and in a loving attention filled relationship now and marriage is in the future!! Good luck ..get help!!
2006-08-17 21:51:55 · answer #8 · answered by vtlovie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should step back from the situation for a day or so. When you have your thoughts and true feelings together talk to him and tell him how you honestly feel about the situations going on in your marriage. But there's a right way to talk to him and a wrong way, so be sensitive to his feelings while still getting your points across so he understands them from your point of view.
2006-08-17 21:52:24 · answer #9 · answered by Dre 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What do you mean he is not interested in sex? Maybe, as embarrasing as it may be to him he should get on something to help his lack of interest. That is probably what is causing him to be so cruel to you, because he feels he is no longer a man. Unless he's 99 years old, he should still be interested in sex.
This could be a very touchy subject for him though, and he may not want to admit to it.
2006-08-17 21:47:05 · answer #10 · answered by arvecar 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋