my fiance has a kid to his ex, from a one-night stand, condom accident. never any feelings there. the kid bothers me, because he belongs to him and his ex. is that normal?
2nd part, why am i so jealous? im way prettier, im nicer, i have a job, i bathe every day (lol), im a way better catch, and i know he feels that way, but im so obsessed with thinking he will go back to her. how can i get over this?
im beginning to think i have to end the relationship, because i dont want to come between him and his kid, but i am having a hard time dealing with this. he assures me all the time, but i have very low esteem, and i just dont know.
i dont want to end it, we love each other very much, how can i deal with these issues?
2006-08-17 08:37:57 · 37 answers · asked by Erin P 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
we already tried counselling...
1)we didnt get anywhere but more fighting
2)we couldnt continue to afford it since he pays out so much damn child support.
2006-08-17 08:39:12 · update #1
is it wrong to want him to sign off the rights? or should i leave him since i feel this way?
2006-08-17 08:39:45 · update #2
Ok this is a difficult one, but I'm kinda going through this right now.
My fiance also has a 15 year old at first it was great, got along, happy THEN, I got pregnant and sold my home and bought another one so that we can ALL live togther as one happy family. Well it didn't turn out that way. the kid bacame a handful, rude, disrespectful. All because of his mother ( my fiances ex). So I thinkg what your feeling is a little resentment. and it is natural,he or she is not your child, and not that you could never love that child, but it not yours it his and her/ex. So if couseling didn't work, then you need to think about your trust level with him. It was a 1 night stand ( important word here is ONE ) and only once. Right ?? The child and the mother will always be in his life even if you guys build a life together and have kids. So you need to think with you head not your heart right now. Then make a decesion, this is the rest of your life...... take care
2006-08-17 08:48:49 · answer #1 · answered by Bec 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am in the same situation, however I married the man. Let me tell you this: It is just you wanting your man to put all of the attention on you, not you and the child. It is going to be very hard for you to understand and finally accept that this child is part of his life, wether you like it or not. It is normal to be jealous. Your man is loving someone else besides you. But you have to seriously calm yourself down and realize this kid is not going to take you away from him. Involve yourself in his life, get to know him, and you will soon love him, trust me.
I felt the same way with the ex. For a year and a half I always wondered "what if". One day it clicked that I need to really trust him when he tells me that he loves me, wants to be with me, and will never go back to her. If you love him, listen to what he says and believe him, beacause chances are he doesn't want to go back to her. But he will have to still talk to her because he is the child's mother. You have no control over that one.
The only way you can come between him and his kid is if you make him choose. If you make him choose, he will leave you in a heartbeat. Not only will you lose a boyfriend and possible husband, but you will lose a friend.....for good.
You need to know that he loves you, but he loves his child too. Get involved in both of their lives. If you have to, do go to counseling. It is very hard to have a relationship with a man who already has kids. I live it everyday, I married the man. You need to accept it, and you cant make him choose. If you can't deal with it, then it is probably better for all of you that you go your separate ways. Don't break up a familly beause you're selfish. Because someday, you will have kids of your own and become one big happy family.
2006-08-17 09:05:01 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW WOW OW...that is a lot. OK I will be honest.
You need to break away from the relationship and work on yourself. Jealousy is created from insecurity.
I am not saying end the relationship just get away for a period of time 3-6 months....BE WITH YOURSELF....Have a relationship with yourself...focus on this relationship during this time... FALL IN LOVE with YOURSELF. This will break through the insecurity. Right now, no matter how much you say you are a better "catch" you clearly do not believe that deep down.
After this period of time, and if you two are truely IN LOVE then the relationship will come back and you will have dealt with the insecurity in yourself that creates the jealousy towards his son. When you do build a relationship with the son be a friend not a parent.
Good Luck
email if you have any questions
2006-08-17 08:53:03 · answer #3 · answered by stephiestrobel 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm not trying to be mean here, but come on!!! Jealous over a child, that's ridiculous!!! That child has every right to have both parents involved in it's life!!! If you are that insecure that he may leave you, then you two apprently have some trust/communication issues. Leave the child out of it!!! That child didn't ask to be born, but now that it's here, it must be provided for!!! Asking him to sign off of his paternal rights is LUDACRIS!!!! How would you feel if you had a child and the father of your child was involved in the childs upbringing and your boyfriend wanted the father to sign off??
You better seek counseling for yourself first, because you obviously have some "buried" issues that need some attention!!!
2006-08-17 08:48:38 · answer #4 · answered by bucyrus73 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes, it is wrong to ask him to sign away his rights and more importantly, if he did, it would show something about his character that is very unsavory....if he would sign away the rights to this kid , why not the ones to another, maybe one you had with him...you would have to think it was a posssibility...
also the child support issue bothers you..but that will go on for a long time and if you are resentful now while you are dating, I can asssure you it will only bother you more if you get married and realize that there are things that you cannot afford because of it.....
on your self-esteem , you need to do that work on your own....no one can or should be responsible for making you happy or feel good about yourself....that needs to come from within ,not without...
you have some serious problems in this relationship that need to be factored into your decsion...
I know some people on this board beat up on you pretty bad but to be honest I think it took a lot of guts to put out there how you really feel....and showed maturity that you need to address this.....many people would pretend they liked the kid and didn't care about child support , just to snag him ...and then it would surface.....this is what happened to a friend of mine whose wife pretended she cared for his kids etc.....but once they were married ..her true witchy character showed...they are divorced now....good for you for not being deceitful like her and the fact that you came to this board is a first step in dealing with it....can you go to a minister or other community help groups out there, to especially work on your esteem issues
2006-08-17 09:07:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you're way prettier and nicer etc but then also say you have low self esteem.
You should never want a man to sign over his rights to hish flesh and blood. If you'ev tried counseling and cannot accept his life, then you need to move on. It seems to me this guy clearly loves you. Any man who will go to counseling for you and with you, and reassure you - good man.
Man who signs away parental rights due to jealous fiancee - not good man
Maybe you should break it off while you try to work on you. Good luck...I know this can't be a good time.
2006-08-17 08:46:44 · answer #6 · answered by empress_pam 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you love him, you have to love/respect everything and everyone around him. Now, I didnt say that you have to "like" it, but you should respect the situation, and move on with your life with him. If he wanted to be with his ex, wouldnt he be with her? I think the insecurity you feel could possibly BE the problem, and not the fact that he has this child with his ex. This scenario is part of every day life. Dont think that you are the only woman in the world having to deal with something like this. Support your man. If he is good to you and he wants to make things work --- why not work them out? As for the child...he/she didnt ask to be here...so, with that said, dont treat the child badly because of the adults mistake. Good luck.
2006-08-17 08:46:49 · answer #7 · answered by Kimmie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep in mind that his child is part of who he is.
So, if you want to make a life with him, you have to somehow include the child in that life. Easier said than done, eh?
By refusing or ignoring the child, you actually create more distance because the only child relationship is then him-her-child.
You must creat a you-him-child relationship to make him feel comfortable in your relationship.
Sure, you don't like the kid, but you'll have to find something in the kid you do like and focus on that. Or develope some common interest or activity if possible.
Either way, you'll have to find some level upon which you can relate to that child, if you want to make it work with him.
2006-08-17 08:56:49 · answer #8 · answered by superfastmoto 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello, well put yourself in his shoes would you want someone to feel they should sign off your rights to your child if situation was reversed.your probably jealous because she has a child by him and you don't. or beacuse they share a child together and you some how feel second or third in his life.if you love him don't come between him and his child ....support him with still trying to be a good father even though he has moved on.(one less dead beat father) he is with you. get over the insecurties.he will appreciate you more for standing by his side and not coming between him and his child.if you love him you must except his child too.it's hard to hear someone say the kid bothers me. it should not be that way. that child did not ask to be here. (opinion)
2006-08-17 08:50:59 · answer #9 · answered by need to know 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have always had the belief that if I can't change something (that I have no control over) then I never worry about it.
The simple facts are the kid is his and his ex's. That's a fact. You can't do anything about it so let it go.
I think the answer lies in your self confidence levels. They seem pretty low. Why should they be?
YOU are pretty, nice, have a job and you bathe everyday. What more can a man want? (That is another question)
Enjoy life while you can.
2006-08-17 08:48:46 · answer #10 · answered by peter b 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋