is this a form of Survivors guilt?

Question

My father died when I was 5 years old from HI.V/A.I.D.S that he'd contracted while in prision from using Drugs. I was born the year he went to jail. And he found out a while later that he had the disease. He got out when I was 3 so I had 2 uniterupted years to get to know him. When he started getting really really sick and had to go into a hospice my mom would go and visit him all the time, (she did not contract the disease) and she would ask me if I wanted to go but I was terrified of the hospital. It was big and scary . So I went rarely because I was afraid. and then he died. I was at school when he died and I remember not being sad that he died but being scared of having to go to the funeral. I've always felt bad about my initial reaction to his death and the fact theat I didn't go to see him more often during his final days. I carry this guilt ot this day and I am 17 years old now. I've also felt that in some macabre way I should have contracted the disease too. I haven't tried

to get infected before anyone asks. I just felt it. So now I'm wondering if this is a form of survivors guilt?

Answer 1

yes it is. such a huge impact on your life died due to a terrible illness when you were so young. You were VERY young at the time and it's natual that his illness and the hospitals scared you. I am sure he understood why you didn't visit that often. It is hard for a five year old to understand death, and I'm sorry you had to go through that...

Answer 2

I don't is necessarily guilt you feel but an acknowledgment that now @ 17 you wish you had done more. At the age of 5 you may not have had a clear concept of life and death you just knew that daddy was in that big scary place called the hospital and then when he passed your only thought was of the funeral not death but the unknown. Now maybe you think you should have contracted the disease in order to identify more with a man you had only known for 2 of the most formative years in a child's life.
So to answer you question again, sweetie, I say no, just a daughters' love for her father

Answer 3

When any one looses a person and they think they have not done enough with that person or for that person they do feel guilt. But you should not worry because your father understood why you did not want to see him and he was ok with that. If not he would have let you know. It is scarry being around some one who has aids. Most people are afraid of catching it from them. Yes your thoughts about catching the disease is macabre. Your dad caught it after he went to jail. So he did not have it when he was with your mom and when your mom was pregnant with you. You were not meant to catch it. Or things would have been different. My dad died of a heart attack that does not mean I am going to will a heart attack on my self. My mother died in child birth yet I had 6 children and lived to see great grand children. The best things you could do to preserve the memory of your dad is to stay clean. Stay away from people who have aids and are drug users and share needles. Get a good education and do something with your life. Have children and name one after your dad. All dad's (yours too) only want the best for their children and they hope their children do better than they did. There is no reason for you to have guilt.
Type in "stages of grief "and see how others have dealt with it and know that you are not alone.

http://www.memorialhospital.org/Library/general/stress-THE-3.html

Answer 4

No It is not that.

He went to jail before you knew him ...and that was his doing and I am sure he was remorseful about that... and by the time he arrived home you were 3 and he had a couple of years to get to know you.

Your fear of hospitals and funerals is entirely uderstandable...there are odors , sounds and sights that are foreign to a child...he knew that too... and he knew that was his death was his fault... and again felt remorseful for your absence and his death to come.

None of this was your fault ...his death was of his own doing and you were cheated of a father...he knew he did that to you to and was remorseful. It is over and you are free...the memories will always be there but you did not make them. He would certainly not want you to feel guilty over not going there.

Go forward now with your own life and remember how fragile life is and how soon and stupidly a life can be lost. Speak to your mother as to how you feel and I am sure she will agree that it was his own selfishness and/or addiction or whatever that you did not have him in your life, nor he you.

It is all behind you so go forward, you have been cheated enough.....Life is for the living.

Answer 5

You shouldn't feel guilty for something you did at that age. Holding on to that guilt will do nothing good for you. You should try counseling. Also something I use to deal with the loss of loved ones is to reverse the roles and ask myself if I had been the one to die would I want the other person to feel like I feel now. Good luck and take care.

Answer 6

It sounds like it to me. You were so young. Don't feel bad. Everyone deals with these things in their own way, and it would have been difficult even if you were older.

What you need, somehow, is closure. A counselor could help you. Maybe writing a letter to your Dad, or imagining him in a chair so you could talk to him, or something like that would help.

Talk to a guidance counselor if you can, or have your Mom get you a referral through your health insurance. You have lived with this guilt long enough. Time to work through it.

Best of luck to you, and you are in my thoughts!

Answer 7

Yes it is.
See a councilor as soon as possible this is not something you should try to deal with alone, especially with all the other stuff you have to deal with at your age.
Concentrate on the fact that you have the world in front of you and can work to help others in similar situations.

Answer 8

YOU WERE ONLY 3. Please stop feeling guilty. Most grownups would have done what you did. Find a therapist and have a good talk. Good Luck!

Answer 9

YOU WERE FIVE, NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT. YOU ARE SEVENTEEN NOW, GO TO HIS GRAVE AND TALK TO HIM, I AM 49 AND I GO AND TALK TO MY MOTHER AND FATHERS GRAVES AND IT HELPS.

Answer 10

YES.