what would you do?

Question

My estranged husband was diagnosed with PTSD and a personalitty disorder but i believe he was mis-diagnosed and actually has bipolar but up till now no one has listened to me. My dilemma is i dont want to use my kids as pawns in the divorce as i do feel they need a realtionship with him. But on the other hand if he is unstable and has been known to blow up for no reason, I'm not sure I'm happy for him to see the kids. We have no famliy who could help as mine live too far away and he des not speak to his and i know contact centres are very few and far between in the area I live. So what do I do?

Answer 1

Sounds like a difficult dilemma. Be careful of diagnoses, they are tricky; in my view, Bipolar is purely an biochemical imbalance, there does not appear to be a lot of environmental factors contributing to this. PTSD and Personality Disorders, on the other hand, can really be viewed environmentally, you can look back historically and see somewhere in there life where there was trauma, abuse, neglect, severe abandonment/rejection/indifference/etc. Anyways, as a parent, you are encouraged to ensure you children's safety. If your husband does not take his medications as he should, has difficulty caring for himself, is aggressive, impulsive, hostile, easily angered and explosive, then they should not go and see him, they will be put in harms way because his behavior is unpredictable. You might want to connect with some women's group or agency that helps women in difficult situations. I don't know if you experienced abuse, violence, etc, but there are agencies for women that can help. In my area, there is Caring Unlimited, Sexual Assault Response Services, etc. Ask around, you can get some added support and empowerment from these places, they have helped a number of my clients. Good Luck

Answer 2

You should definitely get sole legal and physical custody, but DO NOT use his illness as a reason to keep the children from him.
As long as you provide a secure, loving home for your children, they will be able to handle visits with their father-even though he is not perfect. The dangers of having a mentally ill parent are greatly diminished; if the childs primary needs are met by another parent/ guardian.
You may find that once you are divorced and/or are no longer in his face, your husbands "blow-up", that you take to be an indication of BPD, will stop altogether.

It worries me that you mention the posibility of using your children as pawns.
Although, custody of children is often decided as part of a divorce, it is a completely seperate issue. Make sure it stays that way.

Answer 3

Ask for supervised visits at a family centre. But you're going to have a fight on your hands.
Good luck. Shame about your husband. Very sad for him and you - and the children. :(

Sorry, it didn't sink in about the contact centres - yes, they are thin on the ground. Try social services. Sometimes they really can help.

Answer 4

You need proper support to help you asses the situation and make a good decision.
I think it may help if you speak to the people at MIND. They will either help or point you in the right direction.

Best wishes. IQ.

Answer 5

JESUS CALLED AND HE SAID HE WANTS HIS CROSS BACK!

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO BE RIGHT, MORE THAT YOU ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN. YOU SOUND LIKE A MARTYR....YOU FEEL PERSECUTED. NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU AND YOUR INFINITE WISDOM.....

HE LOVES YOUR KIDS, TOO, SO GIVE HIM A CHANCE AND DON'T USE THEM AS PAWNS TO GET BACK AT HIM. YOU ONLY MENTIONED DOING THAT BECAUSE IT WAS ON YOUR MIND...

YOU SEEM OVERLY CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM, WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU ABANDONED HIM WHEN HE NEEDED YOUR SUPPORT AND UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD.....WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT TEACHES YOUR KIDS?

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MORE QUALIFIED TO DIAGNOSE MENTAL ILLNESS THAN THE DOCTORS? HOW WOULD THEY DIAGNOSE YOU?

SPITEFUL? CONTROL FREAK? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE? SELF-RIGHTEOUS? MASTER MANIPPULATOR? NARCISSISTIC? MARTYR COMPLEX? BITTER?

BE CAREFUL....YOUR MOTIVES ARE SHOWING.......

WE ARE ALL RIGHT IN OUR OWN MINDS. SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED TO BACK OFF FROM BEING RIGHT ALL THE TIME TO HAVE PEACE. SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED TO TRUST OTHER PEOPLE, THAT THEY HAVE (THE KIDS) BEST INTEREST IN MIND, EVEN IF WE DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT BECAUSE WE FEEL HURT AND SPITEFUL.

SOMETIMES WE NEED TO RELAX AND NOT TRY TO CONTROL EVERYTHING. THE WORLD WILL NOT CEASE TO FUNCTION IF WE ARE NOT THERE TO DICTATE EVERYTHING, AND WE NEED TO LEARN TO TRUST OURSELVES TO BE ABLE TO COPE WITH NOT CONTROLLING EVERYTHING. YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO TRUST YOUSELF TO HANDLE THINGS THAT JUST HAPPEN SPONTANEOUSLY, OR THINGS THAT OTHER PEOPLE DO. THE WORLD DOES NOT ORBIT YOU.....

YOU NEED TO GET SOME COUNSELING AND FIND SOME OTHER WAYS TO COPE WITH YOUR OWN FEARS AND FRUSTRATIONS, AND QUIT BLAMING YOU HUSBAND (EX) FOR HIS FAULTS TO AVOID YOUR OWN.

DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS!!!!!

Answer 6

Talk to his counselor about the situation they'll make the decision about visitation and help you find the right resources,

Answer 7

let him have legal access... but make sure it is in a public place, and you to maybe have someone with you.... if he is diagnosed with the ptsd illness..he should be on medication.. so hopefully, you will have nothing to worry about...... he must love his kids, and shouldn't hurt them in any way........ G-luck

Answer 8

Why not contact Social Services?

They can be very helpful.