Maybe it shouldn't bother me so much but it does. Anyway, I have a friend who only contacts me when there is something major he wants to do, but other than that he doesn't like to communicate much. I used to hang out with him and his fiance alot more and we always had a good time but nowadays I hardly ever hear from him. I don't push the issue because I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable. His fiance was actually my friend first. I went to college with her. She came home from school abroad this summer and neither of them made much effort at all to include me in their summer activities. Now, I know that engaged couples need alot of time to each other especially when one of them has been out of the country for a while. I'm not unreasonable, but they didn't even contact me before she was getting ready to leave and go back to school yesterday. Should I be bothered by this and express that this bothers me or just take them for what they are and be OK with fair weather friends?
2006-08-17 07:42:55 · 12 answers · asked by Justme 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Thanks for the helpful answers so far. Fortunately, I do have other friends to hang out with. I was just bummed because I used to have lot of fun with these two particular friends.
2006-08-17 08:32:25 · update #1
I am not sure this is a good definition of "fair weather friend." A "fair weather friend" is one who is only around when times are good but when times get tough, they are nowhere to be found. These people are "good time Joe's"....their friendship with you cannot withstand bad times - or the times you need to rely on them for support. This doesn't sound like your friend.
What it DOES sound like, to me at least, is you have a friend who feels comfortable enough in your friendship that a need to constantly maintain and feed it is not there. You are his "go-to guy" to do stuff with, but there is no need to be in regular contact. (I actually thought that was more often than not the case with guys whereas girls are always endeavoring to maintain contact and communication.) It doesn't sound like he is replacing you with other friends, but rather he is now in "married mode"' and so his need for friendship outside that relationship has decreased. That would be standard and expected.
Yours, however, has not. You are not married and do not have a fiance, so you acutely feel the gap of time which used to be filled by your friend(s).
I gotta tell you two things - I spent 20 years in the military and have friends all over the United States and abroad. If we needed to be in regular communication to be friends, then I would - indeed - be up a creek without a paddle. Well, without friends, anyway. In the military, when you don't stay in one place all the time, you are forced to learn how to let friendships be what they are and forced to expect there to be gaps of time and space. And learn that it doesn't mean there is no friendship.
Also, when you are single and your friends are married, you have to learn how to be a third wheel. You have to. Sometimes it is not fun, but this is just the way it is. This, too, I know from experience. When you are the third wheel, remember that that duo who are your friends have a complete life that is separate and apart from you. If and when they do not think of including you, do not automatically think it is because they have discarded you -- it is because they do not think of including anybody in their joint relationship. AND it does not mean that they would not happily include you. When you are a third wheel, you must take steps to include yourself. You have to invite yourself over; you have to learn when you can do that and when you have overstepped or overstayed. My friends have grown comfortable in saying "no" sometimes (less than they say yes!)....they have grown comfortable with my suggesting "we" do something - all of us.....this is the life of a third wheel.
I would not assume these are not people upon whom you can rely for friendship. I would suggest you begin to take steps to include yourself in their lives/life instead of waiting for them to take the initiative.
2006-08-17 08:05:30 · answer #1 · answered by two 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let them know it bothers you, if they really are your friends they will be sympathetic to you, if they just want to use you, you will find out by their reaction too and move on, it's not right to allow people to keep you as someone they can bring out when they need you only to"forget you" when they don't. I no longer deal with my family, because they are like that, and the past few years have been peaceful, because I don't have to put up with their games anymore.
2006-08-17 07:52:51 · answer #2 · answered by ralahinn1 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, don't be bothered , sometimes people tend to grow apart and only contact you on certain occasions. Find some new friends that you can hang out with more often.
2006-08-17 07:48:42 · answer #3 · answered by shae 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a few friends who do that. Not fun. But I honestly can say that it's SO much better to express how you feel. Not yelling, or anything, but say something that expresses how you feel in a way that can be accepted and appreciated. They'll thank you for it, and you'll be happier, too! :) But I also advise you to not rely on them for happiness, or anything like that, cuz everyone lets you down sometimes, and it's better to be prepared and understanding, than oblivious and hurt. :-/
2006-08-17 07:51:59 · answer #4 · answered by Princess J9 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I do. The bastard only calls when he has a computer problem or a math problem solved. He called me all the way from Ethiopia one time for a statistics problem. But will never call just to say hello or to see how things are.
2006-08-17 07:49:09 · answer #5 · answered by bretto24 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes I'd be bothered if they're truly your friend they will contact you just to talk and not to hang out and party all the time.
2006-08-17 07:49:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
all my friends were fair weather friends
so i stopped placing so much importance on them,
what do i care if i hear from them here and there
it felt like id wasted all the time id invested in the friendships
then i realised i was marreid to my best friend
andm y kids were great friends too
and now it just doesnt matter so much
2006-08-17 07:49:10 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well what i would do is try to fin more friends that treat you better but still do stuff with him when he wants to. you might want to talk to him. be nice. say that you are feeling left out. i have a similar problem but i havent done anhything about it im too afraid to. good luck!
2006-08-17 07:50:01 · answer #8 · answered by um yea hi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We all have bastards like that. Just hang out with your real friends and it'll be good.
2006-08-17 07:48:23 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
once the honeymoon is over you will get you're Friends back make new Friends who aren't engaged
2006-08-17 07:50:36 · answer #10 · answered by angelina_mcardle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋