Here I am,
On the ground.
My life’s broken,
But I don’t make a sound.
Pick myself up,
Why even try?
Just to be shoved back down again…
I’ve fallen so many times, I’ve run out of tears to cry…
Broken heart,
Once again.
But I can barely feel it anymore.
I’m becoming accustomed to the pain.
Once more…
Shattered pieces of this once whole life,
Lay in my hands.
Cutting through, ever so silently,
But no one understands.
My mouth is closed,
But my heart is torn wide open.
Screaming,
For someone to hear me.
Bleeding,
For someone to see me.
Dying,
For someone to heal me.
Just for someone to come along tonight
And take everything in my life that’s wrong
And make it right.
Just to stay with me…
….please stay with me, tonight….
2006-08-17 07:27:10 · 17 answers · asked by lifeistough_period 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Wow, really good....very deep
you have great talent
2006-08-17 07:34:30 · answer #1 · answered by LADY74 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great ideas and emotion! However, if you are going to use a rhyming scheme (as opposed to free/blank verse) your rhyming must be dead on. You have to be aware of accents, number of syllables, how it all scans/flows. Revision is a necessary part of writing poetry. Read some of the older, rhyming poets, see how the music and rhythmn of the poem works. You have the ideas, the words-You just need to revise, learn and keep on writing and polishing.
2006-08-19 05:54:22 · answer #2 · answered by rhymer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The last 13 lines are very strong. Perhaps though we should be let into some specific aspect of your pain. In other words, it just seems like typical sadness. I doubt your a typical person.
2006-08-17 08:51:22 · answer #3 · answered by Boilerfan 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! Increadible! You're a great poet! And so young...
Try and get published now in literary magazines (though you'll need shorter poems). You could even put together a book and send it out.
That was marvelous, and not the least bit wimpy!
2006-08-17 07:38:49 · answer #4 · answered by Poetoffire 777 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's terrific - really. And you're only 17? Keep at it. If you're putting out work like this at your age - you'll only get better. It does run a ittle long, and I think I'd lose some of the periods, commas, etc. But that's me - and I'm nobody. Keep at it - you have talent!!
2006-08-17 07:38:30 · answer #5 · answered by 34th B.G. - USAAF 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a little cliched. I'd suggest using more figurative language. And poems don't have to rhyme.
2006-08-17 08:50:25 · answer #6 · answered by audio♥panic 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is awesome! Have you thought about turning it into a song? Is this how you feel? If it is, you need someone. If you contact me I would be glad to show you who.
2006-08-17 11:59:45 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it. This is the first poem I've seen on here that I really like.
2006-08-17 07:33:12 · answer #8 · answered by korbbec 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I loved it, and it is not emo. It touches the heart for those with feelings.
2006-08-17 12:38:04 · answer #9 · answered by chaoticmagician 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ya i like it alot its really nice. I think its good.
seems sad too. do ya write from emotions¿
2006-08-17 07:36:29 · answer #10 · answered by Breonna 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋