supporting my husband?

Question

Hi I have been married to my husband for a little over a year now. We have been together 3 years. I have a son from a past relationship and he has 2 kids from his ex wife. Now my husband and I have a baby on the way. In a few days now! All of a sudden his 8 year old daughter does not want to come over anymore and his 13 year old son never comes over except when we are going on vacation or holidays. (pretty much when money is involved) My husband is getting really depressed about his kids not coming. i dont know how to help him. I think the ex wife is telling the kids he will not love them anymore after our daughter is born! The ex always calls about discpline problems at her house with the kids. ( I never say anything) She always wants him to do things she can do herself. I am worried that she is telling them stuff and he will get so depressed over the kids he will leave me? I tell him she is trying to break us. And he thiks so as well. I just dont know what to do or how to support him

I dont resent any of his kids. It sucks that the boyonly comes whenwe spend money. I have a son. SO I cant ditch him to do girl things with the daughter. it has to be together. I cant let anymore of these kids left out

Answer 1

The best thing you can do is stay out of it. Let him and his ex-wife handle these problems or you are just going to be known as the new bitchy wife. The kids may believe their mother's lies now, but in time they will figure out the truth. For the time being just love your husband and support him.

Answer 2

Just so you know, thee is little you can do to make this better. The problem is probably very similar to what most families like this go through. Father is the disciplinarian and the ex-wife gives them way too much freedom. They probably feel like they can get away with stuff over her house and not your house. Your husband will have to spend quality time alone with each child from his previous relationship to get a more honest view about what each is thinking. Especially since they are getting into that rebellious age. Deep down inside they probably already feel like outsiders. I call it the "what about me" routine. Many kids reach a point where they want to be the center of attention and those kids can't be because of the baby. Your husband will just have to continue to re assure them that he loves them an that he will alwyas be there. Make it a point to attend plays, sporting events and encourage the kids to do extra curricula activties. Not only for building relationships but also to keep focus on school academics. Plan family outings that don't involve spending money, cook outs, video game tournaments, library, movie matinae. At some point you will have to make the kids come over and spend time. They are still only children and what they wantshould b 2nd to what is right. Your husband has to excersize his visitation rights even if the kids don't want to. It will be rough at first but anything worth fighting for isn't easy.

Answer 3

It could be time for some family counseling. When my mom and step dad were married and had my little sister I was really worried they wouldn't have time for me anymore. I am not sure if his ex is telling the children things, but your husband and you are going to need a lot of support right now esp bringing a new life into this world. If I knew the ages of the children that would make it easier but I would suggest family counseling. With all of you, including the ex, all kids, you and your husband.
Maybe the kids think they are losing their fathers attention, but you should help them learn they are gaining more love and support by a growing family.
Good luck to you and your family and congradulations on your new addition. I hope it all works out for you.

Answer 4

Is sounds like you do love your husband, but still you should have him handle his ex & kids on his own, because if anything goes left he will fault you for it. He should be a man about her calling your home with him, and have him to find out why his kids don't want to visit. Try to keep from interfering with any thing they are up to, because it will all point to you in the end. You will have your hands full when your child is born and it's obvious that they are jealous already. Just let them know whenever possible that they are very loved by their Dad, and will be by their new baby sibling as well.

Answer 5

Reality Check. Often kids are used as pawns in divorce issues, even on already divorced couples. There has to be a comforting thought to the kids that they are loved no matter where they are. Make those kids part of your new baby's life. Have them experience the same joy you are. Sadly for your husband's ex - the kids will end up disliking her and not trusting her in the future. The ages are vulnerable. Keep them in the loop. take the little to see the sonogram, etc. they will be thrilled!

Answer 6

Supporting my husband?

Answer 7

This problem is really huge! Your husband is committing error one- Depression shows, and his kids are picking up on it. HE is the father, they are the children, not the other way around. They do as he says, period. IF he allows his ex to run all over him, that sets a very bad example to the kids...and he is doing just that by not insisting the kids spend lots of time with your household. He needs to sit down with these brats and give them a what-for. He needs to assure them that their new Brother/sister will be ADDED to the family, NOT replace the family....all kids have this fear with a new born on the way. This must come from him, not you.
Mistake two: YOU need to sit these kids down and assure them that you care for them, want to have them in your life, do fun things with them, take the girl out on a "girls day out," and things like that, while HE takes his son out and does things the son likes to do ...fishing, whatever.
Mistake Three: go with him to the Ex's house while he does whatever...you all need to become an extended family, whether or not the ex wants it or not...Only by inserting your lives into theirs will this improve. You sound as if you resent his children ("only when money is concerned") and you need to make sure you are NOT conveying this to those kids. Good luck

Answer 8

First off, his kids visiting him should not be an option. He should have scheduled time with them and they should have to spend it with him. I also suspect that his kids are feeling that they are now less important in his life since you and him are having a baby together. Kids tend to see this as your new family and automatically assume they are the outsiders. You two need to get the kids involved with this baby and raising it and doing family things together with them. Stop waiting for them to come over and make plans with them and do things with them. They just want to be a part of a family and understand their place in that family. If they have any doubts about that then they simply pull away in order to avoid being hurt.

Answer 9

Now that the new born is at the door I would strongly recommend that you take good care of yourself and the baby and stop worrying about anyone else for a c ouple of days.

When the new born is welcomed home try and call a party. Invite the ex-wife as well and make sure that you make them feel pretty welcome and part of the family. Prepare small tokens or gifts for the other kids to make them feel part of you as well and give them a chance to take care of your new born under your supervision of course.

I know it might be difficult to control but try never to be angry with them especially in front of your own kids.

Good Luck

Answer 10

Girl just keep loving you man, because in the long run he will do the right thing, just make sure he knows that u are by his side in whatever he decides to do. and for his kids they will come around don't worry it takes time. And for that ex leave here in gods hand. A family that praise together stays together ok