what would you do if you were me?

Question

OK
i don't want people to think I'm a B**** my husband and i are having lots of problems he was arrested for a DWI for the second time he will do some hard time before he got arrested we sleep in different bed we are together just because of our daughter. I visit him every week i mail money talk to him on the phone and i do everything he needs . I'm by myself i work and try to do the best i can't. He has been gone for about 1 year I still waiting. i haven't talk to any of my friends but i do feel so lonely all the time. my good friend form high school call me about 2 days and we hang out he got marry and he is also having some problems like me. wife walk away form him with their 2 kids. i wanted to know i don't want to be with him but i do want to hang out and i know that if my husband was here he could me mad that I'm hanging out with a guy but we are not doing anything plus i like talking to him because he is having the same problems as me. i cry every day i don;t know what to do. if my husband was here i know we would not be together we had too many problems but i can't move on with my life knowing that he is in jail i know if my responsibility to help him and be here for him. but i also know that 5-10 years waiting is my whole life. i promise i didn't do anything with my guy friend we talk and it was my girl friends her boyfriends my daughter and my guy friend.

Answer 1

If I was in your shoes.. I would start seeking after God.. I would go and talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. You need to get the message across to him, that you can't live like that any more. If you feel you could still go back to him, if he would change, then make your judgement on if you feel any changes have been made. If not I would leave the realtionship, and possibly look for another mate. I would take my time, and look for a man, that could help raise your daughter.. Not the kind of man you wanted back in your teens.. A confident, caring, but self controlled man..That would be me,, but then again, I go more by logic, then feelings,, so it prbly doesn't help you..

Answer 2

If i were you i would get a divorce cause i dont care how bad a marriage is, you should never stay for the kids, in you head it is a good idea, but things will just go down the drain. And you said that your husband will be in jail for 5-10 years, you might has well end the marriage and move on with your life cause it dont make any sense being with someone who is in jail and your relationship is sour. Just tell him that things are different now and even if he wasnt in jail you would have done the same thing. And if he gets mad that you are talking to a guy friend then so what, he isnt there and you need some support.

Answer 3

There is danger that the guy friend you have and have the same problem can develop into a mutual relationship, specially that both of you needs the loving you do not have at present. You need a lot of self control, courage and determination to avoid the temptations. Lonely nights, self pity and crying are dangerous signals. But if you just could live your life everyday at a time without thinking too much of the burden, then eventually you can free yourself and wait for your husband. 5-10 years is not long enough if you can stop thinking about it. Your girl friends from high school can help you forget your troubles away if they really care for you. But another guy with the same problem for me is a danger zone. The choice is yours. Be thankful you have a beautiful daughter. Think of her future more rathe than yours, and your problems. God Bless and Good Luck.

Answer 4

Well if I were you, I'd say you were in a tough situation. More than likely you will develop feelings for the new guy. Read my posts. The man I had an affair with was just a good friend at work for a year and a half. We too talked and shared our similiar "unhappy marriage" stories. Then one day we just took off into a passionate, chemistry filled relationship. The end results were not good for me, because in the long run he chose his wife, But in your case, if his wife has left, then thats a start. You shouldnt feel bad for having a friend regardless of gender. But I do advise ending the marriage that sounds as if is already been over. And do this before you end up in a relationship with someone, or you could become me, and I dont wish that on anyone.

Answer 5

That's a complicated situation. I think that if he had you and your daughter's feelings and desires in mind he would have never made the same mistake twice. You probably should still be there for him morally and all that because you committed to be by his side. But ultimately the ball is in your court. Hang out with the guy friend, maybe more, life is short. Get through life how you need to. When he gets out he will have had YEARS to work through his problems and to realize what he has been missing, and to most likely feel a ton of guilt. He is not going to jump you for needing companionship in his absence, he shouldn't anyway. When he gets out, see where you are, where he is and if there's anything left to salvage. Just don't forget the most important thing-your child. It's more important I think, that you are a stable, loving parent. And that her father loves her too. She will eventually understand if you separate-she doesn't need to see you crying everyday and she will sense your grieving. Honestly, when he gets out do you see things being hunky dorey? You two won't mysteriously heal over the sentence, maybe his incarceration was a blessing-letting you know the next chapter is ready to begin. Just make yourself and your daughter happy.

Answer 6

Honestly, I would file for divorce if you're not happy and he's going to be in jail for a long time. He's never been there for you or your daughter and if you're sleeping separately anyway, how is that a marriage? He left you long before he went to jail.
Sometimes, God puts two broken hearts together for a reason. I'm not saying it's OK to have an affair. I am simply saying, your husband has made his choice and doesn't see the value of marriage. He doesn't care how he lives his life and doesn't seem to think that he should settle down and be responsible.
So why should you feel responsible for him? He did this to himself. You have to move forward and if anything, this could be a blessing in disguise.

Answer 7

You seem to be in a pretty complicated situation. I understand that you are sad, and that you want to get over this bad situation.
I don't think there is anything wrong if you hang out with this guy, as far as you two do not cross the line.
Things would be different if your husband was not in jail, cause if you don't love your husband anymore any stay with him just for your daughter, this is wrong.
But, for the moment being he is in jail and he needs you. So better help and support your husband now. Don't cut off the relations with your guy friend. Talking to him will help you feel better.
If when your husband comes out of jail, you still don't love him, and think that life with him is unbearable, then ask his the divorce.
As regards your friend, there is nothing wrong with having a good friend, and yo don't have to push him away.

Wish you get over this situation very soon.
The best of luck!

Answer 8

First of all it is not your responsibility to wait for your husband. He put himself in jail - you didn't. Now he needs to get himself sober....that doesn't just mean to stop drinking, it means a whole new attitude that can only be gotten through interaction with people in AA. They will guide him through his disease and help him to find a better way to live his life. That is not your job.

Your job is to find yourself a meaningful life and be happy with it. As adults we are only responsible for our minor children and our own self. Your husband is an adult even though his thinking is a child's. He will not remain sober until he reaches his bottom. Everyone has a different bottom and some never reach it. You aren't helping him by making his life easy. He needs to experience the rough stuff so he can decide to go for a better way.

Make yourself a life starting now. Find some hobbies that interest you and get a nice group of friends for yourself to talk to and enjoy.

You might want to try taking some courses in night school to give yourself a better career, join a church and find some new friends there........there really is a lot to do in this world and life passes by quickly. We are only here once (as far as we know), so don't waste it.

I think this is the time for you to separate from your husband and be free to live your life in a positive way without guilt.
Get your life the way you want it and when he's free if you want to try it together, go for it. If not, he will be fine on his own.

Answer 9

Hanging out with another guy is only going to make your situation more confusing...you don't need another guy in the picture...especially if his wife walked out then something points to him as at least part of the problem in their marriage...I can hear in your words your already looking for an excuse to have what your husband can not and has not provided...if you do not care to continue in the marriage then file for divorce, don't make a mistake that makes you the bad person in this relationship...I know you mean well but your getting weaker by the moment if you continue to have such a social relationship your headed for disaster and it won't end there...eventually your daughter will ask why daddy calls you such names, which can only hurt if they were to be true...its up to you.

Answer 10

Here's my opinion, for what it's worth. You know that you were unhappy before your husband went to jail. You are still unhappy. I think you should divorce your husband and move on with your life. If possible, move to another area and make some new friends. I wish you all the best. I hope this helps.