Should I be more forgiving?

Question

I'm so confused!!For one thing,I believe I'm going through early menopause,and I have female medical problems,so I'm afraid my perceptions are kinda off, and we are going through finacial trouble (when are we not?) and that adds stress.O.K. here it is:me and my husband have been together for 13 years, we have two children.Before you start judging him,let me say that my husband IS A GOOD MAN, most of the time, but he does have bad luck,low self esteem,a troubled family life growing up...and just...no ambition.He stays at jobs that are really beneath him, then complains that we can't go and do everything that he wants to.He yells at me and the kids sometimes when he gets frustrated (almost like a temper tantrum) but it is NOT an all the time thing, and otherwise he is the most loving, caring person I have ever met in my life.He helps out with the kids(they love Daddy so much, actually more than they love me because they have fun with him)

DO NOT ANSWER YET I WILL WRITE MORE!!!

and he helps out with the housework...just a very outstanding person, but like I said, there are the tempertantrums, and I used to just ignore them, but over the past few years, he doesn't seem as happy, and they have gotten worse:no more frequent, just more...full of feeling. Day before yesterday, me and the kids went into town (we live 20 miles out of town) and we did not get back for four hours, and at 10:30 pm to boot.To top it off, I had spent too much money at the grocery store, and he went ballistic. We fought outside, away from the kids, but he just...really hurt me emotionally.He told me I have no common sense, that I can't do anything right, and when I started cying, he said "You're so emotional, I swear to GOD" and stormed off.I slept in the camper that night, and I have not said even one word to him since. What should I do?Like I said,he isn't always, or even often like that, and he always makes up for it, but I'm just so confused. WILL WRITE MORE

Am I reacting badly to something that really does not warrant so much emotion?He has told me many times to just ignore the things he says, because he really doesn't mean them, and I love him so much, bbut it is getting harder and harder to "ignore it" or is it just me being on an emotional roller coaster?. I have 13 years and two children invested in this relationship, and the thought of leaving him scares the crap out of me, because I am nothing without him. We just...fit together. we know each other so well, and we are comfortable in a way that I know I could never be with anyone else. I have told him how much his outbursts hurt me, and he says there is nothing he can do about them, and I believe him. Also, please do not lump me with the "hopeless cases". I am a highly educated woman who just honestly does not have any common sense.

Answer 1

Honey, you need much more than forgiveness here. You will need to do that and I suggest you do but you need many things more.

1) As a start, you need a positive self concept. I cannot belive you made the following two staement
a) "I am nothing without him" and
b) "I am a highly educated woman" These two just do not mix. CHANGE your thinking about yourself. Be the highly educated woman who tells the man what you want out of life and what you NOT going to acvcept.

2) You need some very positive friends in your life. By implication, I think that he is your world. What about your social life? Where are yor friends? How much time do you spend talking toyour friends in groups, personallyetc? What personal contributions have you made to someone except your family, in the laast month?

3) you need new avenues and goals for your life. I am going to suggest a very good book for you to read: the topic is 'Life Launch": A passionate guide to your future. You may get a copy by calling 1-800-582-4401. It cost US$20. Look I will continue this answer later but I cannot at this moment. I have two women in my ears confusing me.

Answer 2

You need to sit and have a serious talk with your husband.. it seems that he is frustrated financially and probably feels that he can't provide for you like he would like and I'm sure there are other things bothering him... However, when he says there is nothing he can do about his tantrums, he is wrong. He can go to counseling or start communicating with you about what is bothering him.. This is something you need to not let go any further, you are saying that his tantrums are getting a little worse, well they can get to a point where there can be violence in the future....

Please speak with him, there is help he can get... If he really loves and cares for you and kids the way you say he does, then he will do what he has to, not to hurt you emotionally the way he does. He may not be violent and is good to you, but he is abusing you emotionally...

Look unto the lord and ask for his guidance and strength to work and save on your marriage... I think it's worth saving, but he has to want it....

Good Luck and God Bless you!

Answer 3

Sounds to me like your husband is going through financial stress. He obviously is stressed about work and might be thinking that his job is not worthy of him and maybe he is thinking about his carreer. I know this sounds stupid and you cant really compare it to your situation, but my boyfriend had a really degrading, boring office job when I met him. He was so depressed and it really put a lot of strain on our relationship. Finally he found the courage to stand up for himself and believe in himself after I tried everyday to boost his confidence and making him see that there is other opportunities out there. At first he didnt want to because he thought he could never have a serious job(he wanted to be an IT Technician), because he isn't experienced enough(all the worries people go through when they get a job)Finally he got this once in a lifetime opportunity and I didnt shut up until he went for it. Today he is a qualified technician and he absolutely loves his job. Maybe if you can convince your husband to get another job, he might be happier.People with a low self esteem, usually put a lot of pressure on themselves, because they have this constant need to succeed(which is a good thing), but when they dont succeed, they resent themselves and evrybody around them.Im just speaking out of experience, so I dont know.

Maybe you might be going through menopause and it might be that you are over emotional. Maybe your husband is over emotional because of stress at work, but whatever the case, the point is you both need each other now, maybe more than ever. Menopause is a extremely emotional experience(well what Ive seen) and you need support and he is going through a hrad time with his jon and he needs support too. Maybe you should spend time together alone, it might help you both relax and you can boost his confidence.He needs you right now and try to be as understanding and supportive as you can possiby be even if he doesnt return the favour.If that doesnt work, you have to see a marriage counsellor.One thing I know from just reading your question is that you love your husband unconditionally. Love like that is hard to break, so I wouldnt worry so much. Love conquers all.Good luck!!

Answer 4

I think couples counseling would really work for you because are not starting with almost insurmountable issues. While your husband has no ambition, it doesn't mean he isn't stressed because he is an underachiever. The counselor may be able to find the root of that issue and maybe provide some tips or advice as to how to change this behavior. As for you, you can talk to your doctor about HRT's or, if you don't want to go that route, there are plant estrogen formulas at health food stores and drug stores that may help, though they take a couple months to start working.

Answer 5

I have gone through your story it is very sad indeed. I can understand how difficult it is all for you. Sure the goings are tough for you as well for your spouse, hope this has not spread to the children. What is hapenning now is called the low tide in the marital life. Wants and desires are the worst enemies for mankind. Some amount of sprituality has to be understood by us. The Indians are the luckier lot than many in the west. Try to read the english translation of Bhagavadgita and also ask your husband to read it during his spare time or whenever he is cross. This will give both of you the courage to overcome the low tide of your family life. ("Do your duty and do not expect results" -- GITA)

Answer 6

Not only does he need your forgiveness, he needs your emotional support. Without knowing your situation fully, I think that he just needs to know that he's good enough. I'm just saying this because you said he had a troubled past, low self esteem and hard luck. He obviously has issues from his past and probably doesn't know how to deal with his frustrations and end up throwing temper tantrums instead. I'm in no way implying that you need to fix his problems for him, but maybe all he needs is a little motivation from you and approval that he's a good husband, a good father and simply good enough.

Answer 7

It sounds to me like he has some issues he hasn't worked out and is taking it out on you and the kids.
If this man is as good as you say he is and you truly love him do what ever you have to do to keep your family together, but your gonna have to see if he will open up to you and find the reason for his outburst.
Do you give him compliments on how well he does things?
Do you ever criticize him?
I really don't think your gonna get the answers you need on here.
I believe you should probably see a therapist, mention marriage counseling to him and if he doesn't want to go then go by yourself, maybe you can learn some things to do and say in situations when hes throwing a tantrum.

Answer 8

sounds like you both need to seek therapy. Sometimes an outside source can get to the ROOT of the actual problem and either help solve it, while letting u know the true prob, or help u to deal with it. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 9

sounds like you have been forgiving for 13 years already. Life is to short to be miserable

Answer 10

i honestly don't know what to say i'm going through some of the same things myself and i don't even know what i'm going to do. sorry i wasn't more of a help. but you aren't the only one going through this