How do we approach our parents about us getting married?

Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 ½ years, and we have spent our whole lives together side-by-side…literally. We have been friends since we could talk, and best friends since we were 8. When we realized that our feelings went deeper then just friendship when we were 13, we decided to move forward …and have been dating ever since. We’ve always known that we were going to get married - and made sure that everyone around us knows. For the most part, people don’t have a problem with it…allot of people think we are older then we actually are - we both turned 18 a couple weeks ago. He gave me a diamond promise ring when I turned 16, and we exchanged gold bands last year as a sign of our commitment to each other. Now, we are ready to let the world know that we are serious about spending the rest of our lives together - we want to announce our engagement. On some level, our parents are expecting this (we‘ve talked about this openly for almost 2 years)…but at the same time, we know they want us to wait as long as possible. And as much as we respect that and understand where they are coming from, we want them to know that this is what we both want. We both have full time jobs, and are bringing in enough money to live comfortably with the chance to save. We are both involved with church, and we understand that marriage is going to be hard - one of the hardest things you can do in life. We want to know how to best approach our parents with our decisions. We know it might take some convincing, but we want to do so in the most respectful way possible, without undermining their authority - even though we are both adults. Please, any advice would be appreciated!!!!!

It's not as though we are afraid of their response...we just want to handle telling them with as much respect as possible. Granted, there is that little fear deep down that they are going to be unreasonable about the situation, but we know thats not going to happen. We just want to let them know without being disrespectful, even if there is some protesting.

The wedding wouldn't be untill 2 months after our 19th birthdays...

Answer 1

You sound like the most responsible, intelligent, clear headed, articulate, 18 yr old I'd ever heard speak. Honey, by now, your parents are expecting this. And they are going to be okay with this. As all parents do, they want to see their children get somewhere in life before they see you settle down. It's more than clear that you've done that. The fact that you worry so much about what they are going to think, actually touches my heart. You are wise beyond your years. If you can explain to them what you just explained to us, they are going to give you their blessing....without a doubt!

Good luck to you honey and you are truly going to be a couple that makes it!

Answer 2

We are both involved with church, and we understand that marriage is going to be hard - one of the hardest things you can do in life.

...no, no. no it sin;t. You have a strong friendship and care about each other1 Most people do not have either and that is why the divorce rate is high. I think getting hitched is a lot different than having kids. THAT would break your Bank accounts for sure. Be prepared to wait on kids at least 7-10 years, because you must have careers.

We want to know how to best approach our parents with our decisions. '


No. No NO!!! You do not need their approvals. IN fact, they will indeed throw up roadblocks. Just sent out invitations and act as if it were a surprise. Have you new place to live arranged and committed to, have you money in order, have thrift store furniture etc all ready to go...Then after announcements, if they say why didn't you tell them, just say Are you going to congratulate us? So NOT get into their stuff about waiting if not waiting is what you want.

If you let THEM decide YOUR most important decision, you will regret it forever.

And I am in my 50s and my ex never really loved me....lucky you! Go for it and love one another!

Answer 3

I'm sorry - but you are both too young to be making this decision.You might be the rare exception - but statistics show marriages at this age have very Little chance of success. If you both go to college, date other people, etc. and still feel the same way 2 or 3 years from now then you should pursue your feelings. The way you feel at 18 and the way you feel at 21 are incredibly different. !8 is very simply too young to marry. My niece did this very same thing. Everyone knew they were destined to be together and both families were very close and supportive. Now she is 30 with two children and he has decide he needs to experience other women and "life" because he never got to do this before he married, They are now in the process of a painful divorce for them and the kids after 12 years of marriage. Sorry this is not what you wanted to hear - but you must listen to those with experience.

Answer 4

What are you afraid of?
What is causing you to hold off telling your parents that you have plans to wed?
You have to fully understand that before you move forward.
You must feel comfortable with your life choices regardless of how others might judge you, even if those people are the ones most dear to you.
Your parents will still love you.

Now, when my younger sister was in college she informed my parents that she was going to quit school and get married. My father told her that he thought it would be best for her to get her degree, and since he was paying for her college, he also said that he would pay for both the rest of her college AND her wedding or neither.

Parents have a right to do that sort of thing. If my father did not want to spend money on her college he did not have to do so. He had saved all his life to do so, but he didn't have to do that. After all, she was over 18. And, parents do not have to pay for their daughter's wedding, albeit it is a gracious thing to do if you have the money.

So, if you are afraid that your parents might draw some sort of line, then be prepared to deal with the consequences. But, your parents will still love you, even if they are not happy with your decision because THEY think that you could somehow have a better life if you waited. If getting married will make you happy and you are willing to deal with the consequences that might be dealt your way, then do as you please. It's your life.

However, remember that you are responsible, now, for the ramifications of your decisions. You need to be able to stand up for your decisions and hold true to your convictions. Make certain they are your convictions regardless of what might happen when you tell you parents you are to wed.

The fact that you had to ask "how" to communicate you intentions to your parents suggests that you are afraid of "something". Figure that out. Then, decide if you can handle that "something" and move forward with your lives.

In the end, Love is all there is.

Oh, by the way: my sister finished college, got married a month after graduating. She did not persue a career, instead had three wonderful children. When they had been married for 13 years, her husband was sent to prison for bank fraud. They divorced and she had to raise three girls on her own. She was able to get a much better paying job because she had a degree, even though she had not used her education for 15 years. I think she is happy that she took our father's advice, even if it took her over a decade to figure that out!

Answer 5

I just read your profile, it sounds like you have a level head and are really sure about this! You are in the right direction!

Marriage counseling is required in most area's before marriage, I would go through that, and then let everyone know! Have a big dinner party somewhere and make a huge announcement! If someone wants to know if you are really ready say you went through marriage counseling then upon completion you will have the pastor's blessing! Then you will know you are ready!

Congratulations! Good luck and I wish you all the best!

Answer 6

it seems like you all have done all of things you could to prepare your parents for the day. i mean you all have been together for more than four years. you have given each other promise rings and have been best friends since you could talk. i would just sit down and talk them about it individually. tell them how you feel about each other. let them know you know it's going to be hard. show them that you two have a plan. perhaps even a long engagement will help. but other than that i think you all have played this really well. you've been open and up front about it. can't ask for anything more.

Answer 7

I am sure a lot of people will disagree when I say tell them now. I almost had the same thing happen in my relationship. I met my soon to be husband in the 9th grade. We started dating the first night we met. When I was 17 he proposed to me. We were to scared to tell my parents so I hid the ring and we called it a promise ring. When I was 18 my husband went to my parents house to ask there permission to marry me (without telling me). The next morning he proposed to me again telling me he asked my parents. My parents wern't happy about the situation. We were married at 20. By then my parents were happy. I am now almost 23 and still happily married.

Answer 8

I think it is best to wait till you people are 21. Another three more years, time will run very fast, you won't even feel it. As long both of you know that you love each other, waiting for three years to ensure your life long relationship shouldn't be hard. I believe at the age of 21, your parents will do anything you guys ask for. Why do you guys what them to crack their heads now?

Answer 9

Well.... Just bring both sets of parents together and tell them all that you have written here. You seem to be rather responsible. A year long engagement may make the idea easier for them to understand. Good Luck!!!!!

Answer 10

have a plaaned dinner with both families and tell them what you just told us sounds good to me you have goals and an ideal of what you want plus you both are taking care of yourselves financially, sounds like you know what you are doing they probably just fear that you will grow tired of one another because you have been together so long and havent explored other options they fear down the line both of you might start to wonder what else is out there and thats something you have to ask yourself if you and he are ready to deal with that it will be fine just sit down and talk with them include them in the decision making.let them know their opinions count.