What do you think of my poem?

Question

“Old Soul”
It was something I noticed as I looked into your eyes
Mesmerized by there beauty your truth could not be disguised.
Your soft radiant face and your firm body of youth
It’s probably easy for you soul to hide one simple truth.
You’ve seen it all before, this isn’t your first
Your old soul that you have kept quietly submersed.
Your physical appeal is apparent to all
But its that person underneath that’s enticed my enthrall.
Your playful winks and soft charming way
Has caused my mind to become entirely astray.
With these simple words I just want you to know
It’s not your beauty but your soul that’s made me you beau.

Answer 1

Nice sentiment, but there are a few technical errors that should be corrected.
Line 2: I suspect it should be "their beauty" not "there beauty". "There" indicates place, you want the possessive, " their."
Line 4: "your soul" rather than "you soul".
Line 8: "enthrall" is a verb, not a noun, you probably mean "enthrallment" (the state of being enthralled). Unfortunately that kills the rhyme, you need another way to say it.
Line 10: "Have" rather than "has", you need the plural verb to refer to two separate antecedent nouns "winks" and "way."
Line 12" "your beau" rather than "you beau."
You seem to have trouble distinguishing the possessive form from the nominative.
You would do better, in modern verse, to abandon the practice of end rhymes; most modern poets don't use it and many editors
refuse to consider it.
Please work on your grammar; you have a good feel for the sentiment, but the technical expression of emotion in words can be tricky.

I hope this helps. Thank you.

The Wizzard of Jacksonville

Answer 2

I like the sentiment you're expressing and think your beloved is lucky to have someone looking deeper than bodily beauty, nice though that is. I find some very effective poetic phrases here, such as "your old soul that you have kept quietly submersed". Some of it sounds like it's important to you to make it rhyme, which I wouldn't worry about. I'd love to see you play more with what it means to be an old soul in the poem.

Answer 3

This has excellent cadence and the imagery with rich and potent with emotion. I love the line "Your old soul that you have kept quietly submersed." I like what I feel between the lines, and the story behind the words. Good job!

Answer 4

well let's see here first off you have opened your soul to the world then you let them see inside the true you and also to see the whole person

Answer 5

Great I Like it !!!!

Answer 6

awesome! (-;