Why is my ex still so angry?

Question

I was married to my wife for 10 years and we were together for 13. Our son is now 8 & we have been divorced for 3 yrs. At the time she left, I had been working crummy (low-paying) jobs & had been sick a lot. She just didn’t think that I would amount to much I guess. Her friends at the time said as much: “you don’t make very much, no home, no security etc etc.” I don’t drink, sleep around, go out with my friends, etc. She never really said “why” she left; she just said that marriage wasn’t what she expected.
Since then, I have become a real estate agent (so I could never be fired/laid-off) & have purchased a home. I have not had a real relationship since she left, just a date here and there. She has been in two relationships since we divorced, with the most recent ending two weeks ago. She had moved in with him, but he charged her rent and favored his kids needs over hers. Since she left him, she has been living with me rent-free, sleeping in my son’s room. Last night, when she said (for the 100th time) “I don’t have my own space; no one is taking care of me….”, I responded “this house is yours, I bought it so you’d always have a place”…. Well instead of anything positive, she just said “that was a long time ago” and living with me is not what she wants.
I’m not trying to get her back as I realize that she is not the same as she was. I just love her unconditionally like a parent loves their children, but there is still anger there in her reaction to me when I show her any type of affection.
At least once every few months or so, she will be brought to tears and tell me that she just wants to stay home with my son and not have to work. Of course this is what I can do or want to do for her. But when I offer, she gets mad. The irony is, that the only alternative that I have by her refusing, is to love someone else and to give the new love of my life everything that the ex wanted because financially I can do this. It is not from spite or anger, but I feel that a Mom should be able to chose if they want to work or not, and I would prefer that she doesn’t. I don’t like daycare and I think that some who really loves them is better than a day care provider.
I don’t expect her to come back to me, but I don’t understand why she would even try to have another relationship where she has to compromise and not be loved unconditionally like I love her. When we first met, she would cry if we were apart for the night, that’s how much she loved me…now she is still so angry inside. No one else in my life is as insensitive as she is to me. My parents are divorced, yet when they see each other they embrace as long-lost friends. They even tell each other that they love each other. This is what I want more than being together. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Throw the loser out and petition the court to get custody of your son. She sounds like a nightmare.

Answer 2

You are holding on to what used to be sweetie, this is now and I figure you could be happier with someone loving all of you. She's lucky you have enough respect to allow her to live Scott free in "Your" home. Secondly, if she felt as though you were such a louse and that she could have done a lot better than you all were doing when you were with her, why doesn't she have a house of her own I mean own rent or whatever. You are a genuine man and they don't "Make your type anymore" and I would like to pat you on the back for it. Don't allow her to use you as a door mat and burden you with her emotional instability, your only obligation is to your son, let her go! If your son is 8 years old he's old enough to be attending either private or public school! I would suggest also that you take the time to come to terms with the fact that you have to go on and find your happiness in life she's not your "wife" or the "woman you fell in love with" she's just the shell of what is left of her. Good luck, and if no one else doesn't tell ya, I wish you the best in life, you are a true man!

Answer 3

Your wife sounds like she has issues. You are very nice and gentleman like about everything that is going on and she should feel lucky. I do think that she at least owes you an explanation as to why she left in the first place. Leaving someone becaues they are sick and don't make enough money is terrible excuse, because marriage is supposed to be for better or worse.
You can help her, support her, and tell her you care for her. But if you want love then you are going to have to either get into counseling and work things out with her or look for a new love. If you end up seeking another woman it would probably be best to move your ex out - as many women won't want the drama that comes with having an ex living with you. Best of luck and please know that your wife is a silly woman and you are an incredible guy.

Answer 4

I think she's mad at herself and taking it out on you. Obviously she feels like she made a mistake in ending things with you since you're now at the stage she wanted you to be at during the marriage. I don't think it's a matter of her wanting you back since security is very different from love. I think you need to make it clear that when you offer these things, you're thinking about your son. You don't want a relationship with her in a romantic sense. But if she refuses, you need to accept it. Sure, stay at home moms are great, but your son is 8, not 8 months, and plenty of fabulous kids have had working parents.

Answer 5

Sounds like she wants an easy ride because shes lazy and every once and a while she thinks it would be easier to take an easy ride from you instead of doing something for herself. What she really wants is what you are offering her but she wants it from someone else. Sometimes 2 people just simply dont work. period. There isnt always an explantion, stop babying her along, show some tough love, make her take care of herself and stop looking for free rides. Get over her and start looking for an independant woman, it'll open a whole new world to you.

Answer 6

Honestly it sounds to me like she is angry with and disappointed in herself and not really you at all. She keeps making bad choices and isn't where she wants to be in life. Mothers are always torn between being at work and being home with the kids. Its what she would love to do but at the same time she can't accomplish what she would like to if she does that. You sound like a sweet guy and congratulations on your success. Perhaps helping her figure out who she really wants to be and helping her figure out a way to get there would be the greatest thing you could ever do for her. Maybe continuing her education and working towards her own financial success while still being available for your child when he is not in school would be a great solution for her. It would give her both of the things that she wants most and once she is happy with herself you will see the anger fade away. I'm actually in a situation now where I am 'taken care of' it was fun for a little while but I don't like me very much, we are moving again to another job in a few weeks and once we get there I plan to start working again, although my kids are grown now so I don't have that issue anymore. What I would love for him to do is encourage me to do that instead of saying he's happy to take care of me, sounds screwy but I feel like I'm just rotting here she is probably the same way.

Answer 7

WOw!! seems to me like you have a difficult situation. She seems like a very difficult woman, becaus eas a woman I would be so gratefull for anyone even offering to do something like that for me. I think maybe she just feels guilty about something, but i think at this point, the best thing for her to do is move out, because she needs to be independant and know that she shouldn;t rely on a man, I know you love her and want what's best for your son, but he is already 8. it's not like he's a baby and needs unconditional attention, day care is good for children, because it allows them to interact with other children, without that, your child may grow up , "a loner" Because you are divorced and this relatioship isn;t going anywhere in the future, you should just let her live her own, and move on, it seems like she's using you because she knows how you feel about her and she knows you would do anything for her, but the truth is, it's just gonna come back one day and bite you in the butt. I am sorry women are so complicatred. That is all I have to say. Good LUCK!!

Answer 8

This sounds kind of complicated, but personally I think taking her back would be a good idea, since she doesn't have a place to live, and that you still love her unconditionally, I mean she's living at your house. but I think the reason why she's still angry inside is probably because she had a failed marriage, and failed relationships.. she couldn't over come that, I think just give her some time to calm down, or sit down with her and talk to her why she's treating you the way she's treating you, talk it out, she'll feel better, and give her some advice, and make her feel better.

Answer 9

You are obviously confusing your former wife.

On the one hand you say that you don't intend to take her back. But on the other hand you have let her stay for free in your house, and you've offered to take care of her indefinitely.

You are treating her as though she still is your wife and at the same time you are denying to her that you have any relationship of that kind with her.

Perhaps your self-contradiction is your way of punishing her emotionally.

If you want to have peace in your life and do what's best for your son, then I suggest that you decide once and for all if she is going to be your wife again or not. And then act accordingly.

If you still love her, as you say you do, then perhaps your problem is that you don't trust her anymore. And in that case you have to tell her this honestly and openly. And you have to decide if you are ever going to trust her again.

Answer 10

She is just feeling trapped and like a failure in moving back in with you. No offense to you, because you sound like a wonderful ex husband to tolerate her bitterness and anger but I can appreciate what she is feeling from my own past experiences. What she needs is a success of her own to make her feel complete. Does she have a college degree? Does she have a sound career? Maybe she would want to go to college if she has not already. Sounds like she is looking for happiness in other men, which of course will fail every time. She needs to make herself happy and all the anger will go away. Many people will look to others for happiness when they hold the key all along. You can work on building her self esteem and making her feel good about herself how she is and hopefully in time she will come around and feel like she can make it on her own. Maybe she will see you for the genuine person you are by that time.

Answer 11

I don't know what her deal is but good men are very hard to come by these days and you sound like a loving father who wants what is best for your child and no matter what she has done you are willing to forgive her.I really don't know what to tell ya other than she sounds like she doesn't know what she wants if i were you she would not be living in my house while trying to figure it out.I have been thru a nasty divorce myself and it has dragged on for three years now.It is not worth it to try and work things out with her for your child the child will be much happier living outside a broken home rather than in one.Sounds like to me she is very ungrateful and if she didn't want to work she should have stayed married and took care of her child,I have been there and done that and she will regret everything she is putting that child thru.You need to be a man and tell her to get out and she is not taking your kid with her until she is stable if she refuses get a lawyer.good luck