Should I Stay or Divorce with several family issues???

Question

Ive been married 10 years, have 3 kids, full time job, house & pretty normal life. Lately my wife & i cannot seem to get along at all, like most were completely different people. She has 2 sisters who are over 27 yrs old, both dont work & they both have live-in boyfriends who do not work either. Ive helped her sisters threw the years over & over with lending them money, giving them shelter, babysitting, etc. This year, things have gotten out of hand with 1 sister losing her car & other sister having car problems. My wife has been giving them rides & letting them borrow her car for there personal use. I objected immediately since i work & cant help they do not. My wife told me she will continue to help her sisters no matter what. Also, i had lent over $400 on my credit to 1 sister & she did not pay her balance. I have not spoken to her sisters in a few months & dont want them in my house. I love my wife, but im getting tired of this kind of behavior among other things. Help!!

Answer 1

Ask your wife who she is married to.. you or her sisters? You should come to an agreement on how to deal with them. If you keep on enabling them they will never grow up and take care of themselves.

Answer 2

This calls for tough love!
Open a checking account in your name only. Don't put anything in the joint account. If you have direct deposit, change it to the new account. You write the bills and you make the decisions.
When this is done and in place - tell your wife that her sisters are cut off. No more money from you. If she has a job, you really can't tell her what to do with her money. But when it comes to your home, she does have the right to have her family come over. Is the house in both names? That may be some leverage, but -if you love her- don't chance that.
Remember - she is in a real tough spot. Probably getting a guilt trip from her family. Lots of pressure. Maybe she wants you to be the "bad" guy. If not, you will know soon enough.
One last thing! NEVER-NEVER loan anyone any money that you can't give them!

Answer 3

I think you need to figure out exactly what your wife means when she says 'no matter what'. If she means she will continue to help them even if it means you will walk away from the marriage that is a HUGE clue that she doesn't value the marriage and walking away is probably the best thing for you. You may also want to point out that once you walk away she won't be helping them anymore anyway because she won't have your money to do it with. I would tell her that you wouldn't mind helping them out IF they did anything to help themselves but since they don't they are nothing but lazy moochers and if she is willing to throw away her marriage to defend that behavior it tells you a lot about who your wife is. Sounds to me like this whole family has some kind of issue and it most likely stems from the way they were raised an that, unfortunately, would include your wife. That would also cause me concern that she will raise your children the same way so I'd think twice about that happening too, you don't want your kids to grow up to be her sisters. Good luck to you!

Answer 4

I think you sit your wife down and tell her straight up, if you don't stop giving money your car and anything else that her sisters want, that she could get a job to support them. You married her, not her sisters. If she refuses or don't like your reply, I'd tell her if things did not change, that you were moving out or she could move out. You should not have to put up with supporting everyone in her family that are too lazy to work themselves. If your wife don't understand this, then she must care more for her family than she does you. It's not normal for her sisters, as old as they are, to expect your sister to help them out so much. Unless they are on drugs or something. Sometimes that could be the reason for not working. Good luck to you

Answer 5

Maybe your approach to the situation and your wife is wrong. If you are going to her in anger then it is probably having the opposit of the desired affect on your wife. Try a calm approach, an actual sit down conversation even though men seem to not be so big on this, it would be the better way to approach the conversation. As far as not wanting her sisters in your house, I think you might be going a tad overboard as that IS her family, and she is most likely thinking you are trying to keep her away from her family. As to what is being put out of your household, money lending, etc, should be a joint decision and you might try pointing out to your wife that you would like it if you two could come to some kind of agreement on it. If you are both pulling in opposite directions then obviously that is going to cause a huge problem, but if you learn to communicate properly, learn to talk to your wife, then that will only help improve your marriage.
Its kind of sad that people always want to turn to divorce when they just can't agree on things, instead of learning how to talk with eachother. Think about what you are teaching your children on how to be in their future relationships, much less what would a divorce do to them? Take it from someone who watched her parents split up, it just screws you up. Then you end up with a really screwed up view when it comes to your personal relationships.
Her sisters have their own issues, and as much as she wants to try to help them, and yes that is an admirable thing, your wife needs to take her own family into consideration first before trying to support other people.

Answer 6

it sounds like you are in a tricky situation. If you are contemplating divorce over her helping out her sisters than I am thinking there is more to the story. What are the "other things"? She sounds like a very giving person. You probably knew that when you married her. That's a wonderful character trait to have. Now let me ask you what would you do if it was your siblings? or you parents? I bet you would want to help them out. Yes it stinks that they mooch. No one likes a moocher. But in the end they are all family. Making your wife have to choose isn't fair to her. Maybe you can discuss other means of helping the sisters out with her so it won't dampen your pockets as much.

Answer 7

Pour your wife a glass of wine, and take her by the hand and tell her you would really like to talk. Nicely, don't jerk her off into another room, or anything. Then find a quiet spot where you can talk, and you just have to let her know how serious this is to you, and how you feel. They say to do it like making a sandwich. Start with the bread..."honey, I understand how you feel, I know you are a compassionate lady, but I feel like we're being used..." Then the meat of the matter... I cannot afford to continuously help support 4 other grown adults who won't make and effort to help themselves... (You make have to make a list of your reasons to get all your points out that you're trying to make, think of them as cheese lettuce, tomatoe, etc.) Then top it with another slice of bread..."Honey, I love the fact that you are such a caring, loving person, and that you have a strong sense of family, that is part of why I was attracted to you..." Then after this talk, just don't say anything about helping them, just walk away when they start hinting. Pay your bills, take care of your wife and kids, but don't put out money for them, if you have a joint account, leave that, but open one separately and put most of your money in that one, so that she can't take money out for her family. Then if your wife wishes to go to work and give her hard earned money to 4 mooches, let her, but after while it will sink in. And, if after all that, nothing works, then if you have to, divorce the family, but take good care of your kids.

Answer 8

Does your wife work? has she got her own spending money? When she lends them her car, does she expect you to drive her where she needs to go?
I'd say if she is giving them her spending money, and not inconveniencing you by lending her car, then you shouldn't complain about it. It's a drag, but they are still her sisters. When it gets to a point where she is going into debt to help them, or not paying your bills to help them, it's gone too far.
You and your family should be her first priority. If she has extra, and wants to help her sisters with that extra, that's a different matter.

Answer 9

you are just going to have to talk to your wife and explain it to her that this is not fair to you, and that she can not keep it up. Tell her that you don't want her to ignore her sisters, but that the help has got to stop. Tell her that you will have to make a choice if she keeps it up, and that you hate to do it but you will leave her if she continues to do this. If your wife don't work, then she will not be able to help her sisters out if you are not there with the money. It may sound harsh, but give her a reality check... show her that she needs to stop.. good luck, us women can be stubborn sometimes

Answer 10

Her sisters are grown adults its ok if you want to help out family once in a while but sounds like to me she is putting them before you and ur children.I feel like when you get married and have a family of your own your sisters and brother and even your parents come second to your husband and your children.With that said if you keep helping these people they will keep taking advantage of you.I would tell her that you have helped them for the last time and you are going to take care of your family from now on not her sisters and their boyfriends.And if she throws a big fit over it that should show you that they are more important than you and your children in her mind.good luck.but definately put your foot down.

Answer 11

Sounds like these sisters of hers need to grow up and take care of themselves. I would not risk a good marriage for deadbeats. I have two sister that do the same crap the only difference is that I don't help them because like you it becomes a vicious cycle that you can't get out of. You are going to have to put your foot down. You may have to walk out unfortunately. Maybe that will wake your wife up.