How can i come out to my parents who are very strict Christians?

Question

I am a 16 and im a lesbian. I am very secure with my sexuality. I know that i like girls and have had previous relationships with girls so im not one of those confused teens. This is truely what i want in life. I see myself marrying a woman and having kids together. This is my dream but there is the fear of my parents/family disowning me for my choices. I know that my mom is going to take it hard because i have brought it up in the past and it was a topic that didnt get positive responses. When i tell them about my gay friends they dont approve of them extremely. They are so quick to put them down. I my eyes if they really loved me that would accept me for who i am but in my situation thats not the case. I havent told them yet because i know that i will get thrown out and will have nowhere to stay so i am waiting until i graduate from high school to tell them. Hopefully by that time I will have somewhere else to go in case they throw me out. I just need to know how to tell them. Help!!

Answer 1

I'm so sorry to hear this (that you think your parents will disown you).

If you really believe that they will cut you off, then you are probably right to wait until you are ready to stand on your own.

I wish you all the best. I hope that your parents will surprise you. Remember that a lot of what they say is just their fear - and in many ways it may be their love for you. They probably want you to be happy and they want your life to be easy. If your parents are strict Christians, they may worry about your soul, but they may also just worry that you've "chosen" a very difficult path. There WILL be people who don't understand you, who even hate you - and no parent wants that for his/her child.

Whenever you do tell them, try to be easy on them if you can - remembering that this is outside their understanding and that they have to revise their plans for you - plans they probably made even before you were born. The new life isn't bad or wrong, but it doesn't meet their expectations and that may be hard for them to accept. Try to have information available for them - are there maybe support groups? It sounds like you really love them, so whatever you do, do it with love, and try to trust that their reaction comes from love too.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You are wise to guage their reaction, and delay telling them until you have a plan that will keep you safe afterwards. Too many young people either get thrown out, or have such sanctions and restrictions placed on them that they run away, and the outcome there usually isn't pretty...drugs, prostitution and crime. Sometimes worse.

When you are ready and you do tell them, have a plan. Have a supportive friend you can lean on if your entire family is not supportive. If you have a brother or sister, aunt or uncle you can confide in, who will be supportive, tell him or her first, and maybe ask him or her to come with you when you tell the others.
Most of all do it with a plan in mind and in a time that you can deal with the consequences. Be respectful in the telling, and hope that in time, that pays you back with respect. Knowing how your parents feel, expect that the initial reaction might be the worst, and that in time they can deal with it.

Get some resources from the Human Rights Campaign and Parents and Family and Friends of Lesbiand and Gays.

Links below.

Answer 3

sweetie, your parent's strict religious brainwashing is why we, as gay people, have so much hassle in the is world. The most important thing for you to do right now is make yourself strong (inside). Contact gay orgs, the gay center, PFLAG, ec., and get the emotional support you need. You are wise to hold out for a little while longer- just in case. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Having a safe place to go to if it gets bad at home is a very good idea. Check out parents at PFLAG and see if they will help you when it's the right time to come out to your folks. They will provide you with info to give to your folks. I wish you the very best in your journey. I promise it will get easier once you get over this hump. Sometimes our parents fool us-- the ones who you think will go thru the ceiling come to accept us first, and the ones you thought would be cool, have a rough time. Everybody's different. Talk to a relative, teacher, adults who you feel will support you. Be patient with them, they really have been brainwashed and it will take some time to get them to understand. Hugs, Reme

Answer 4

Based on what you've said, you really should wait. You love your family despite the way they treat you and you want to share with them what you know to be a large part of the identity you've developed. You're at that stage where you're getting ready to be accepted by your family as an adult. But please be careful -- your parents are unlikely to change their views about religion just because their daughter doesn't fit into them. It's sad but all too common. What's worse, because you're a minor, they can do whatever they want to you to punish you -- keep you in the house and never let you leave, keep you from dating and meeting people, or they could even send you to a brainwashing camp to try and de-queer you. And yes, they could kick you out. You do not want to be a homeless gay teen -- the statistics are bleak.

You're lucky -- you know why? At 16 you are already very comfortable in your skin. Now you can prepare for a long, fulfilling adult life. Start thinking of what you want do for a career. Start looking at scholarships, making contacts at schools. If you're a good student, you can get a huge chunk of college paid for, and there are grants and loans, and scholarships especially for you. If you're not planning to go to college, start thinking about what sort of trade you can enter because you're going to need to be financially secure. Do not tell your parents about your sexuality until you are no longer dependent on them -- you'll regret it. Even if they accept you as you are, there is always the chance, especially if they are very strict religiously, like you say, that they can be influenced by their church to abandon you, and that can happen overnight.

When you are in a position to have power over your own life, just tell them. If they don't accept you, accept that. We often have to build our families from scratch after we leave home by forging strong friendships.

If the worst happens and they do find out, and they are not supportive, there are a few places to turn to. In large cities there are some agencies that specialize in helping abandoned and runaway gay young people find shelter and work in an accepting environment. But don't count on this -- it can be really hard sometimes not to just say, "Oh to hell with it, I'm going to tell them right now." You don't want to sabotage your chances of being happy in the future.

Answer 5

It's great that you are secure in your sexuality, but I would wait until you are out on your own to before letting them know. They are probably going to be very hard on you and that is going to be hard to deal with unless you have a way out, ie your own place.
Otherwise you can get a hold of some pflag and glaad literature and ease them in that way. Also, I highly recommend you pick up the book "What the Bible really says about Homosexuality" so you have educated and informed answers to their arguements.

Answer 6

you're sensible to evaluate their reaction, and postpone telling them till you have a plan which will shop you secure afterwards. Too many infants the two get thrown out, or have such sanctions and regulations placed on them that they run away, and the consequence there many times isn't rather...drugs, prostitution and crime. on occasion worse. once you're waiting and you do tell them, have a plan. Have a supportive buddy you are able to lean on if your total kin isn't supportive. in case you have a brother or sister, aunt or uncle you are able to disclose to, who would be supportive, tell her or him first, and consistent with probability ask her or him to come again with you once you tell the others. maximum of all do it with a plan in strategies and in a time which you would be able to attend to the implications. Be respectful in the telling, and desire that throughout time, which will pay you returned with comprehend. understanding how your father and mom sense, assume that the preliminary reaction would be the worst, and that throughout time they might take care of it. Get some components from the Human Rights marketing campaign and oldsters and associates and kin of Lesbiand and Gays. links below.

Answer 7

My advice to you would be to wait until you are able to get out on your own. Right now you are dependent on your family for clothes, food, and shelter. A few more years in the closet will not hurt you or them. I'm not encouraging deceit or deception however you do need to consider the consequences should they become hysterical over the matter. It's better to be safe right now than to have the next few years under their wings be difficult and scarey.

Answer 8

Do not tell them anything. Why should you? Your sexuality should not EVEN be an issue with your parents or with any one else. Believe me-- they know already anyway-- every mother knows. I don't understand why people think they have to COME OUT!!!! What does that phrase really mean? People don't COME OUT and say I'M STRAIGHT!!!!!
GOOD LUCK, but I don't think you will need it.
Respond if you like.

Answer 9

I don't think I would tell them, at least not until you are old enough to refuse if they were to try to send you to one of those Exodus-type camps to "cure" you.
I understand about not wanting to lie. I also know some parent's can go completely off the deep end. I'd hold out until you can legally walk away from the situation.

Answer 10

Wait, definitely. Let 'em think you're committed to keeping your chastity or something, and that's why you don't mess around with boys.

Because you have gay friends, it won't be such a shock when you tell later.

When you do tell later, be very calm and very secure about yourself. You can even rehearse with friends, if that helps.