While I have told my dad and stepmom, I haven't told my mom. I've had an engagement band for a while now, and I think that to her, she might already think that its the commitment band, when its not.
I'm not sure how to tell her, since her feelings will be hurt that she wasn't the first to know. ( She WAS the first one I TRIED to tell, but her initial reaction was that I was an embarassment to her, and that my family wouldn't love me, etc ) They're more supportive now- it was the initial shock.
We really don't want to hurt anyone, but we want it to be a private ceremony, . . . I just don't know if I should tell her before- which will hurt her, or after ( almost pretending its totally spontaneous. )
I also don't want to give her ( or anyone) the impression that we aren't taking this seriously, or that the vows are taken lightly- I could use advice from anyone who's gone through anything similiar.
2006-08-16 08:51:54 · 17 answers · asked by Lisa'sGurl 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I would tell them...
Maybe you can have an informal reception or nice dinner? Like at your house.. their house? I am sure they would want to celebrate your special day and the beginning of your new lives together.
2006-08-16 08:57:56 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
I don't have experience on this exactly, but the first two answers were so rude that I wanted to say something more positive.
You're talking about what is probably the most important day of your life to date, right? You're committing your soul, yourself, your whole being to another person for the rest of your lives. It's a totally joyous day for you. I tend to think that it would hurt to have this hanging over your head that day. I don't know you or your Mom, but I'm getting married soon and just can't imagine my Mom not being there - that day or for the anticipation now.
When you say a private ceremony, do you mean that it will literally just be you, your partner, witnesses and a celebrant? Even so, I still tend to think you should tell your Mom beforehand. Yes, you could play it off as spontaneous later, but it seems like eventually the truth would come out (esp. if you've told your Dad and stepmom) and then she'd be more hurt. You said she'd be hurt not to be the first to know - then I think she'd be far more hurt to feel like the last to know / the only one not to know. Also, spontaneous things DO seem to come across as less thought out, so you may be creating an impression you don't want.
You said that your Mom is far more supportive now, though she initially reacted badly due to the shock. If she's over it, I think it means that she's decided that you and her love for you are more important than anything else. You know your Mom better, but if that sounds right, then I think you should trust her.
Good luck!
2006-08-16 09:05:14 · answer #2 · answered by cmc1217 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I haven't been through anything like you're going through, but I would suggest that since she is more supportive now, you should tell her. Take her out to lunch just the two of you or someplace quiet and explain to her what is going on and how you really want her to be part of the ceremony (that is, if you do want her to be part of the ceremony). At this point, you may also want to admit that she was the first one you tried to tell but couldn't (perhaps "spin" it somehow so her feelings won't be hurt). Congratulations and good luck!!!
2006-08-16 08:59:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your other parents know, your mom may already, and wonder why she hasn't been told yet.
Have a private ceremony. Remember that the point of the ceremony is to celebrate your love. Then have a party for everyone, including your mom if she wants to come, afterwards.
And as my wife told me, concentrate on the ones who come, not the ones who don't.
GOOD LUCK!!!
2006-08-16 09:02:52 · answer #4 · answered by GreenEyedLilo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I actually had a commitment ceremony some time ago. For me, it was very difficult to tell my parents. Even though they knew about my relationship, they still not understand why I felt the need to publicly commit to her. I told them about the ceremony and invited them anyway because at the time it was what was going on in my life and I felt that it was important that they know me and what I valued and who I loved. No, it was not easy to hear them say that they wanted no part of it, but I felt a weight off of my shoulders by being honest with them and letting them know the depth of my love for my girlfriend at the time.
Unfortunately our commitment lasted only about 3 yrs (longer than a lot of hetero couples) after dating for a little while, but during that time they grew to accept and know her and better understand that she was important to me. Being that they love me, time was a healer to our relationship (particularly my father). So in the end I was happy that I told them.
Best wishes on your decision...
BTW, our ceremony was about 25 friends and private...
2006-08-16 15:14:54 · answer #5 · answered by CuriouslySpeaking 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I haven't been there, so...a take this with more than a few grains of salt, but it seems to me that she'll be less hurt in the long run if you tell her beforehand. And tell her that you've BOTH decided on a private ceremony. It's YOUR day, and your decision.
2006-08-18 14:03:16 · answer #6 · answered by Atropis 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was going to do this with my ex-girlfriend and I thought of not telling my mom. Her reaction was similar to your mom's. I could go thru life without telling her but thats me being a cold hard *****. I don't need any more negativity in my life than I already have plus..what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
2006-08-16 08:59:33 · answer #7 · answered by twisted_goddess_x 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her your mom out of simple respect for her being your mom. If she chooses to come to your ceremony with love, support, and happiness for you then great. If she chooses not to be a part of it then that's her little red wagon and she will be the one missing out. YOU should be the one hurt! Not her! If she chooses to take your vows to your partner seriously...again, GREAT! You don't have to answer to anyone about your vows but to your partner and God! Good luck to you both and congratulations!!!
2006-08-16 09:59:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
well one way or another its going to come out to her. what you could do is just tell her, and dont mention that you told someone first, because i know what mothers are like... you could do that or you could just tell her to show up at the ceremony and surprise her. I'd tell her before hand though. that way she has a decision to make.
2006-08-16 08:59:42 · answer #9 · answered by . 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honesty is the best coverage!!! If her father and mom already comprehend she is lesbian then I thinks it relatively is in all probability time to take that next step. somewhat after 14 yrs. it is loopy! i do no longer think of i'd be waiting to maintain my relationship from all people that long. decide for It!!!
2016-10-02 04:16:11 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My parents did not come to my wedding because my husband was not the same religion as I was. After a few years it seemed that my mother had gotten to like my husband, but when he died in 2002, after we had been happily married over 30 years, she refused to attend his funeral.
I would tell your mother and let her choose whether or not to attend, but don't be surprised if she doesn't.
2006-08-16 08:58:29 · answer #11 · answered by WendyD1999 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋