after 17yrs of a abusive husband he is still controllin my life.?

Question

he tells me where i can take my children ,sends me abusive txts,he threatens me constantly. my kids live with their dad +r frightened 2 stand up 2 him like i was.i have done everythin by the book.got 10 court orders 4 contact which he just laughs at. ive reported him 2 the police regardin his threats+the children r not premitted 2 come 2 my house i have 2 stay where he tells me. can anyone help me.i've been seperated 4 3+half years now is he ever gonna stop?

Answer 1

You are letting him control your life. You need to be much stronger and stand up to him. He sounds like a bully to me.

Answer 2

I think if you forget everything for the time being and just get out. If you can, go live somewhere where you are safe. I know this will be difficult but you HAVE to stand up to this monster. The children will come looking for you at a later stage, and they will survive. Change your phone number and get another mobile contract so he cant get in touch.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY ANYWHERE BECAUSE HE SAYS SO. UNLESS ORDERED BY THE COURT.
The other thing of course is that these things are never black and white and you must also look to yourself for the answers. If you ''gave him permission'' in the psychological sense then you have to take responsibility for what ever it was in the early days that triggered all this stuff off. You should have stamped on the abuse a long time ago. Stand up to a bully and they will retreat.
DO NOT STOKE THE FIRE BY USING FOUL LANGUAGE AND ASK QUESTIONS RATHER THAN BEING CONFRONTATIONAL.

Answer 3

You need to get a good lawyer and have the children taken from him before they are too damaged. If you have reported him to the police several times and they have done nothing to help the situation you need to bring that up in court as well because they will be reprimanded and/ or fired. When you do go to court you need to be well organized. Have copies of police reports and the messages he sent you. Have a calender marked with these events and also show the few times that you have seen the children and the times that you requested to see them and they weren't allowed to come. If that doesn't do it, call children and youth and report him. Have friends call too. The more people that report him the more they will have to do something. Keep pressing untill something happens. Do whatever you can to get those kids away from him. Also why does he decide what you do. Divorce ended his say in your life. Stand up to him than maybe others will. i know how you feel i was with mine for 26 years

Answer 4

You need to get a good lawyer and have the children taken from him before they are too damaged. If you have reported him to the police several times and they have done nothing to help the situation you need to bring that up in court as well because they will be reprimanded and/ or fired. When you do go to court you need to be well organized. Have copies of police reports and the messages he sent you. Have a calender marked with these events and also show the few times that you have seen the children and the times that you requested to see them and they weren't allowed to come. If that doesn't do it, call children and youth and report him. Have friends call too. The more people that report him the more they will have to do something. Keep pressing untill something happens. Do whatever you can to get those kids away from him. Also why does he decide what you do. Divorce ended his say in your life. Stand up to him than maybe others will.

Answer 5

You're worried about your ex controlling your life? What about your childrens lives? Honestly either you are lying or not telling the whole story here! I am sorry if I sound harsh- but this is no joking matter! I know 1st hand*( as a survivor of an abusive/controlled marriage of 21 years to a brutally violent man)*. with 2 children- how hard it is to get out with your children. So I think there is alot more to this story then you are telling. #1: (* I find it hard to believe or understand that he would have them without a good reason - if he is truly abusive) Unless you "volantarily" left your children behind! (Then I could see how he obtained custody) #2: You said you were "seperated" for 3 1/2 years? (**Didn't you file for divorce?) If Had you filed 3 and 1/2 years ago -on the grounds of abuse -it seems to me it would have already been granted a Divorce by now! *(If there was proof of physical abuse). Hey all I know is When I decided I couldn't take the beatings & being controled anymore.. I took my kids and fled! (leaving every thing I had behind! And I mean Everything!!..except my children!!) It wasn't easy but I did what I had to do to save my life and protect my children! YOU and ONLY YOU control your life. You don't need help! YOU need to make up your mind to take control of your life and stand your ground! NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THAT FOR YOU! There are & have been for many years - many places you could have turned to for help as an abused woman with children! Stop waiting for an answer and find one not for yourself but for your children. If you are serious you will find a way!

Answer 6

Hi There,

I was with a volatile and abusive husband for 14 years. May I ask Why has he got the kids and not you? And how old are the children. The reason I ask is because I stayed with mine for those 14 years because I felt trapped and thought I couldn't look after the kids on my own, I always swore that if he ever hit one of my kids then that would be it. He did when I was at work one evening and marked her face quite badly and I involved the Police and had the children put on the child protection list. That was the start of it. From then on I was determined that this man was not going to control mine or the kids lives anymore. I started fighting back, I involved the Police at every sign of trouble. The courts had him removed from the house, injunctions served. I had the same problem with txts and phone calls. One day he constantly txt and phoned for 24 hours-I asked the police if there was anything they could do and immediately two policemen sat at my house and when he rang they told him that if he persisted they would do him under the stalking laws. They then went round and spoke to him. About 2 years of on and off abusive behaviour, my divorce going through etc, I finally met a lovely man who put a stop to it (Not by violence but he stood his ground with him) and now 7 years down the line I have a better life with a far superior man and my kids have all disowned their father because of his behaviour and are all doing well at school, college and work. We do not have any contact with him what so ever-we took control of our own lives and nothing he did has any affect on us. You have to fight and be very strong. By fighting I do not mean fists I mean using resources that are available. My first point would be to report him to the Child Protection Team, who will then advise you in what way you can help your children-this might spark off more abuse but if it does then you use resources available. I think if he is using the same control freak tatics with your kids, then your main concern should be to get them away from him. Otherwise your kids and yourself will never be free of him. If he feels he can control then he will continue because it makes him feel big and powerful! Take the control away from him and show you can work and provide for your children and have a life and in time he will stop because he doesn't look important anymore. If you can prove that you can look after your kids, then I would certainly go to a solicitor and get them back.

I take it you are in the UK!

Answer 7

Grow up and hire a ballcutter lawyer. Keep all copies of the texts he is sending and take custody of the children.

Are you separated or divorced? If not divorced, why the heck haven't you done it yet? With all the court orders and documented threats, you can demonstrate that your husband has severe mental problems and is a threat to anybody in his household. Show the evidence to the court, show how he is not abiding by the court orders, have him locked up, take the kids, and MOVE without a forwarding address.

Answer 8

Is there a court order that states that he can tell you when and where you are allowed to see your children? If there is not you should look into an attorney to get an order saying that you have the right to take the kids where you would like. Good luck with everything. I hope things do stop. I am getting a divorce and my soon to be ex is trying to control everything also.

Answer 9

You need to seek out a very good attorney. Your kids should not be living with an abuser. I would be fighting to my death for my children to be living with me. As far as him controling you, he cant. You can not allow him to control you. As a matter of fact the only thin you and he should even be discussing is the children. Better yet, let the lawyers handle it and dont speak to him at all.

Answer 10

Hey, you need to be stronger. You also need legal advice as he should not be aloud to do this to you. Go to the CAB and see what legal advice they can offer. Until then be strong and make the most of the time you get with the children. Good Luck eh :O)

Answer 11

Not until you stop listening to him. What's he gonna do if you don't stay where he tells you to? Slap you? Sure, then you can call the police and they can put him in a cell with some guy who likes to have sex with his cellmates while they are sleeping. Seriously hun, he's not your boss. Move to another state if you have to. lose contact with him. Get out and don't give him the opportunity to follow you.