Is my wife being too controlling?

Question

My wife always puts me down, she calls it criticizing. For example, I told her that I would take over the bills. So , I have, and for the past two months her bills have been paid on time. Yesterday, I left her a note, asking her to pay two bills, with the assumption that if she could just write two checks, I would mail one and hand deliver the other. She calls me, I was at her family b-day get together, she couldn't go she was "working'', and says she doesn't understand the note, that I'm not helping her in ANY way by doing it this way, and that I should have written the checks out so she could just sign them. Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Why does she need to say that? And just for the record, we ARE going to counseling, and she HAS told me that she's expected too much from me and that she would start helping around the house and pick up after herself and that she was sorry, and she thanked me for putting up with all her crap for this long. That was a week ago. So, now what?

Answer 1

It sounds like she is at least willing to work through these problems, so you're much further along than most couples. It seems that she might have a lot of pride, backed up with some selfishness, so now that you're in the rebuilding mode, be sure to remain humble and gently guide her along. How many arguements have ever been resolved by yelling. The wisdom of the Bible says that "a soft answer turns away wrath."

Answer 2

"Her" bills? Seperate checking account that you cannot be a signator on? Marriage can mean so many different things to different people. If the arrangement between the people works then I say great! Yours seems to have some problems and you are seeking counseling, which is the best thing you can do. However, you asked, so I'll share my views on the type of marriage I have and love. First of all there is no "her" bills and "my" bills. There are only OUR bills. Whatever we earn is put together and both can write checks. I know there are married couples who divide everything out as you have described and are happy, but you don't sound happy. What you describe is a very fractionalized marriage where it sounds like there is a lot of "mine OR yours" divisions. Not only where money and chores are concerned but even where relatives are concerned because you refer to the birthday party you were attending as being "her" family. To me marriage indicates a joining together as one. My wife and I were married some time ago. At that time her family became mine also, and my family became hers. There is no divison. We also married our finances together. All income is OURS. All bills are OURS. Our marriage is a partnership. I would not want to be married any other way. It seems to me once you start dividing the union has a seam. After that it is all a negotiation for what is on who's side of the seam. If either pulls very long or very hard seams have a way of coming apart. If your counseling is only helping you in your negotiations as to what is yours and what is hers and you still feel the need to ask here what is fair, then my thought is that there may be some troubled foundational issues in your marriage. Please do not be offended. I am only sharing with you my own personal ideals and goals where marriage is concerned. The only marriage I would want is one that is seamless. A union that truly unites as one everything we have or will ever have. This "teaming" assures that if either or both of us is pulling, we are at least pulling in the same direction. Is this perfect? Is it the only way? No. Would I want it any other way? No. If from your one short question above I were to make a guess at what is the foundational issue most needed to be dealt with in your marriage for success I would say TRUST. It seems to me that a marriage without trust would be an endless battle of negotiation for what was "fair". I wish you good luck in finding happiness together in whatever arrangements fit for both of you.

Answer 3

You are doing the right thing by going to therapy and this question should be asked when you are in therapy.

Your wife's behavior is not new to you. A person with control issues, doesn't just develop them. You've been overlooking it for awhile and now it's a problem for you? How did you allow this to happen? Why did you give her so much control? Are you afraid of losing her if you put your foot down and let her know you are not going to be treated like a B I T C H? You need to put the pants back on and handle your business. She is not going to change, why would she, you aren't going anywhere. All you do is express that your feelings are hurt. Flip the roles and if she loves you and wants to be with you, she will stop treating you like crap. Otherwise, you need to just find a nice woman that will appreciate a good man! You deserve better and time waits for no one.

By the way, is GG your wife I saw she asked the same question?

Answer 4

I'm not going to answer your first question about whether or not she's too controlling, because I don't know what your limits are, as far as being controlling. From what you typed, I wouldn't say she's controlling at all, actually, but rather critical. What now depends on you. It might be worth it to sit down one day and write out the pros and cons of staying with her, both immediate and in the far future. Also, look at your own life. Where do you want to be next year? In five years? Ten? And can you picture being there with her? That might help you get an idea as to whether or not it's worth it to continue to put up with her. Hope it works out.

Answer 5

Hmmm...y'all definitely aren't from MY neck of the woods! The man is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the house and the head of the home. Where did you get off the bus? My husband is the head of the house, but I pretty much run things. Give and take. Are you giving too much? Is she taking too much? Both of you work so I agree that both should contribute to the household bills and work. My husband and I split the bills in that he takes care of the house payment, the auto insurance and auto payments, and the water bill. I take care of the kids doctor bills, the electricity, the garbage service, the groceries and other small bills that may come up.

Answer 6

It sounds as if the counseling is not getting through to her. I would say that you are trying to do your part, but she is not following through on hers.

How about bringing this up at the next meeting with the counselor? That will give you a chance to discuss it with a moderator present. It's too bad she is too busy for her own family. You are nice to go alone.

Answer 7

It was a week ago so give it some time. You can't change her behavior or attitude but you do control yours. Continue couseling, and remember you married her by choice. She sounds as if she is being childish but there are 3 sides to every story his/her & the truth. Good luck.

Answer 8

it's one thing to admit you're wrong...it's another to admit you are wrong and try to keep it from happening again.

we are all guilty of doing things that aren't nice, or saying things that we shouldn't, but once you realize your mistake, it's YOUR job to correct it.

sounds to me like she isn't doing HER job of correcting herself. i had a boyfriend who was very possesive and jealous. he also had a drinking problem.
he could admit that maybe he had a drinking problem, but he never did anything about it.

my point is that if someone can't take reponsibility for their actions and be a mature adult, then you don't have to "put up with her crap".
period.

great, she admits she has a problem putting you down, etc....
does she do anything about it??? obviously, not. she probably has that selfish mentality of "accept me as i am, i shouldn't have to change". which, is wrong if you want to grow a healthy relationship.

so, the choice is yours...take it or leave it.

my choice...leave it. i wouldn't want to live the REST OF MY LIFE in a relationship like that.

take care.

Answer 9

She is playing childish games...being irresponsible and immature...she seems to know better but will point the finger and leave the crap jobs for you when ever she can get away with it...just like a child..good luck.

Answer 10

well maybe shes trying to change and its difficult for her , have u told her how u feel about yesterdays incident... tell her and see what she tells u... well if she doesnt change her behaviour i think u should leave her, its not fair for u to put up with all this...