Is my husband being too controlling?

Question

My husband always puts me down, he calls it criticizing. For example, I told him that I would take over the bills. So , I have, and for the past two months his bills have been paid on time. Yesterday, I left him a note, asking him to pay two bills, with the assumption that if he could just write two checks, I would mail one and hand deliver the other. He calls me, I was at his family b-day get together, he couldn't go he was "working'', and says he doesn't understand the note, that I'm not helping him in ANY way by doing it this way, and that I should have written the checks out so he could just sign them. Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Why does he need to say that? And just for the record, we ARE going to counseling, and he HAS told me that he's expected too much from me and that he would start helping around the house and pick up after himself and that he was sorry, and he thanked me for putting up with all his crap for this long. That was a week ago. So, now what?

I put my two cents in with "lothario" I don't know who he is and he Copied my story!

Answer 1

sounds to me he's taking advantage of you!!!he's too lazy to deal with it cause he knows you'll do it!!my advice to you is..leave him for a week or so and just go somewhere if he doesn't improve leave him again if he still doesn't improve dump him!!!you need sby to be by your side and help you and not you be the slave!!!Wake up sister!!!

Answer 2

"His" bills? Seperate checking account that you cannot be a signator on? Marriage can mean so many different things to different people. If the arrangement between the people works then I say great! Yours seems to have some problems and you are seeking counseling, which is the best thing you can do. However, you asked, so I'll share my views on the type of marriage I have and love. First of all there is no "her" bills and "my" bills. There are only OUR bills. Whatever we earn is put together and both can write checks. I know there are married couples who divide everything out as you have described and are happy, but YOU don't sound happy. What you describe is a very fractionalized marriage where it sounds like there is a lot of "mine OR yours" divisions. Not only where money and chores are concerned but even where relatives are concerned because you refer to the birthday party you were attending as being "his" family. To me marriage indicates a joining together as one. My wife and I were married some time ago. At that time her family became mine also, and my family became hers. There is no divison. We also married our finances together. All income is OURS. All bills are OURS. Our marriage is a partnership. I would not want to be married any other way. It seems to me once you start dividing the union has a seam. After that it is all a negotiation for what is on who's side of the seam. If either pulls very long or very hard seams have a way of coming apart. If your counseling is only helping you in your negotiations as to what is yours and what is his and you still feel the need to ask here what is fair, then my thought is that there may be some troubled foundational issues in your marriage. Please do not be offended. I am only sharing with you my own personal ideals and goals where marriage is concerned. The only marriage I would want is one that is seamless. A union that truly unites as one everything we have or will ever have. This "teaming" assures that if either or both of us is pulling, we are at least pulling in the same direction. Is this perfect? Is it the only way? No. Would I want it any other way? No. If from your one short question above I were to make a guess at what is the foundational issue most needed to be dealt with in your marriage for success I would say TRUST. It seems to me that a marriage without trust would be an endless battle of negotiation for what was "fair". I wish you good luck in finding happiness together in whatever arrangements fit for both of you.

By the way, I don't know why this EXACT question was posted twice with only the genders switched, but I will watch both for answers. It could be an interesting way to see how people's thoughts about marriage and a person's role within it vary based on gender. I must admit, I read the question with the gender roles reversed the first time and my immediate emotional response was different. When it was a male writing the question I felt he was somehow weak or not a real man. When I read the question as being asked by a female I felt her husband was a bully. I'm not saying my emotional responses to the question were correct, but it is interesting how different the question hit me based solely on gender. However, my answer is exactly the same to both genders.

Answer 3

Is Lothario your husband? He just posted the exact same question.

You are doing the right thing by going to therapy and this question should be asked when you are in therapy.

Your husband's behavior is not new to you. A person with control issues, doesn't just develop them. You've been overlooking it for awhile and now it's a problem for you? How did you allow this to happen? Why did you give him so much control? Are you afraid of losing him if you put your foot down and let him know you are not going to be treated like a S H I T? Stand your ground and handle your business. He is not going to change, why would he, you aren't going anywhere. All you do is express that your feelings are hurt. Flip the roles and if he loves you and wants to be with you, he will stop treating you like crap. Otherwise, you need to just find a man that will appreciate a good woman! You deserve better and time waits for no one.

Answer 4

I think he's got some issues he's not telling you about, or visa versa.
Also, you put quote marks around WORKING. Why? Do you NOT believe him?
I don't think you're wrong or crazy, and it shouldn't come down to that. You are both supposed to be a team. Not individuals. It's marriage.
Although he's got no excuse for not helping you, remember the man that you married, because he wasn't supposed to change.
This may sound absurd to you, but have you tried visiting a church? I know people hate the sound of "church" "religion" "Jesus/God" ect. I myself have an issue w/the label, but it should go beyond that.
I like how the bible teaches us so much, with such foundations. It tells us that A man is to love his wife, to respect her. A woman is to be submissive and love her husband. This means that it should go both ways. I think you need to realize that the counselor's job is basically a "mediator" and a mirror for you both. The counselor will give you the opportunity to see things in your partner's perspective, not only your own. Part of marriage is not changing your spouse, but instead to work w/their flaws. It sounds like you should re-do your game plan for your "bills." Sit down and talk about it, and don't bother pointing the finger at him. It will get you nowhere. For that, I would allow the counselor to bring it out in the open, so it's a neutral ground. Also, consider a Christian counselor. Not to say that the one you have now isn't, but I see more effectiveness in marriage-counseling when the clients visit Christian counselors. They don't convert, but they're based on biblical principles, which are proven effective also.
Take care.

Answer 5

Your husband has been an rather egocentric individual all alongside, very controlling, very opinionated, very humiliating. To me, it truly is a no-brainer. he's merely about actually been dishonest on your for nice sessions of time in the course of the marriage. If no longer, he has alcohol and playing addictions. both way, it truly is gone time to dump him. he's of no need to any of you except a paycheck. Take your children and go away him. he's not properly worth it. practice for newborn help and upkeep and well being plans for you and the girls when you get a criminal professional to divorce him. Who desires an absentee husband who has no longer something more effective efficient to do except abide his relatives and spouse. he's a complete loser as a more effective robust 1/2. provide up having sex with him. he's truly been a bastard to you all, and think ofyou've got allowed. it for causes popular in uncomplicated words to you. provide up this NOW. also, do no longer date for at leas wt 6 months to a three hundred and sixty 5 days once the divorce starts. you're to op at threat of the fortress naive guy who has some compliments to pay you. It takes Time to entice close someone.

Answer 6

In my opinion, if you said you were going to take over the bills, it would be nice if you just write the checks and that way mininmize the room for arguments. (That is what I did.) But the way he tells you to do things is really messed up. He needs to learn some people's skills and if he loves you, talk to you in a way that is not insulting or controlling. Make sure you bring up that point in counseling.

Answer 7

This sounds like a question already asked!

It sounds like your husband is not committed to the counseling. He hears what is said, he just hasn't really absorbed it yet. This would be a good thing to discuss the next time you go to counseling. You would have a mediator there who would help explain each person's actions.

You were very nice to go to the family gathering, but he needs to take time from work to go himself.

Answer 8

He could be. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. That means that you help each other out. If he makes the mess he should clean it up.You are his wife NOT his mother. Try splitting up the household duties and hold him accountable. If he is being controlling he needs to get over that. That can be very hard on a marriage. you deserve to be treated like an equal partner

Answer 9

alot of men are selfish and expect you do everything for them. as long as you keep doing all the things that he wants,,thats how hes gonna act. hes very controlling it sounds like to me. but maybe the counseling will help you two if you keep working hard at it. good luck to you because i wouldnt deal with that.

Answer 10

that completely depends on you. Why are the checks in his name? Counsiling is great, but you need to take a look at the relationship, and dicide if this is what you want. Controlling men never change, and it gets worse as they get older