Need Help.... Honest and professional advice please.......?

Question

My GF of 2 years left me after we bought a house and had it a month. we were suppose to get engaged this week. she says that she left because she was unhappy. there is more to it ...but she wont talk to me. I cant seem to get over this. It's been almost two months now, I have tried to "MOVE ON" but I can seem to even start. I am completely devistated. I am having trouble eating sleeping, and just funtioning. she has since moved out and has her own apartment now. and she just wants to be left alone. I have repected her wishes. I know that i have to let go and move on but I cant seem to get the ball rolling. I was so devoted to her and I am still in love with her. I am in couseling but it just doesn't seem to be working. I surrounded my life around her, and now that she is gone, I feel like i have nothing, Being force to live in the house that we are selling, I cant get away to heal. I want to let go and move on but it seems like I cant do it. Any suggestions????

Answer 1

It's so tough when you are in the middle of it, I know. And you are already in professional counseling, so I must assume you have made the same observations and asked the same question of your therapist but still seem to have no set plan for making it through.... I do not know, of course, how your therapy is going, but therapy is a very personal process and sometimes it takes some time to find the right therapist. (Meaning that you don't want a therapist who simply validates your feelings; you want someone who will force you, if necessary, to take the steps needed to help yourself. And it may be that your current therapist is not doing this for you. Some discussions with them and/or seeking a new one may be in order.)

Your girlfriend has been unkind and selfish in her departure. Whatever the reason - be it for good reason or bad - the decison to depart may be a singular one, but the process should have been a mutual one. She "should" have given you the opportunity to go through the process, too. There may be reasons that she chose to simply leave you hanging - and those reasons may have everything to do with you. Or they may have nothing to do with you. The problem is that you are now left on your own to figure that out.

If you can accept that she is gone, then you need to turn your attention away from why she left and how she left and where she is and how you are feeling to a behavior modification process - one that will take you far enough away from this so that, then, you can turn around and look into it and into yourself to figure out what happened, your involvement, and what you want to do with yourself in the future. But all that is in the future - for now, you just need to give yourself some distance.

You can't get away from the house until it is sold, I see, so you need to do something to the house to make it different. This is creating a sea change in your life. You might want to consider taking everything - and I do mean everything - out of the house and starting new. Take down all the pictures and take out all the stuff you two got together and sell what you can, pack away the rest for later. (Craig's List on the Internet is a great way to sell household good stuff cheaply.) Then head off to IKEA and re-decorate your house in a minimalist form - just enough to allow it to be shown to prospective buyers and with some stuff you will use in your new residence, once this house is sold.

Out with the old, in with the new. You surrounded yourself with her and devoted yourself to her and now you need to replace that with something else. If you just allow it to be "gone" then you will always be dealing with this hole in your life. Fill the hole with something else. I am suggesting you start with the house because it sounds like it is the biggest thing - physical reminder - you have.

Change your phone numbers so that there is no chance she could call you. You know, in your heart, that she will not call you, but as long as you have the same numbers, you will be hoping, secretly, that she will call. You have to replace that with something else.

Really, if you can take a new job - change your workplace, too - that would be a good thing.

Once you have the house change going, engage yourself in some new physical activities. Mental ones right now will simply allow your sorrow to overcome you ....you need to MOVE, physically. Learn to rock climb, rappel, kayak, dance, sail, ride a horse, take up golf lessons, SOMETHING physical and time-consuming. Not only will your health benefit, but you will meet new people - just people, not new prospective mates - just new people.

When you finally get on the "other side" of this pain, you can look back and engage in some serious self-examination and introspection and see what role you had in all of this - and then take that, change it if you want, to make yourself a better man for your own future.

If you do these things, I promise you - I promise you - that one day the rain will stop and you will find yourself enjoying a warm breeze and suddenly think, "Hey, I'm kinda happy! How cool is that ?"

Answer 2

You need to keep one thing in mind, this was no reflection on you.
She just got cold feet. Through her own issues within herself, she just could not do it. It will happen to her again with someone else. It is just the way it is. She is a runner. Unfortunately, she did not give herself enough time to try.

Your pain and loss is so tremendous, I am sure. And you will find very little comfort in the answers of others that will help you resolve this.

This is a grieving process that, as a human being you have to go through. Find strength in the fact that you need to go through the stages of this very traumatic situation, because it will help heal you eventually move on. But, also be aware that as a human being you will come to terms with it all and find some logical understanding that you were not at fault, and therefore could not change what took place.

So, do yourself a favor during your recovery, don't look at yourself for faults or excuses to why she left. We all tend to do that. The sooner you stop beating yourself up over it all, the sooner it will get easier. For every moment you find a tiny bit of strength, grab onto it and give yourself some peace. But, there is a stage where you will get angry. This is all normal. It is part of the process.

It is a good idea for you to get out as often as you can. Even if your thoughts are elsewhere, and you don't feel like your part of anyone's conversation right now. Just don't isolate yourself to much.

All the best to you. And have faith that good things will come to you in your life. And it will be more then you thought possible, even after this.

Answer 3

i know the pain your going through my husband up and left me before too and i lost 65 lbs from not eating not sleeping and crying all night it it by far the worst feeling not to mention you are stuck paying a bill for a house that you planned on making together what an assss she is do you know how many women dont have what she was given trust me on this one there may be another man she may just need space cold feet etc.etc she will learn with time the grass is not greener on the other side i really hope you feel better distract your thoughts get out of that house this also may be a blessing in disguise did i mention how unhappy i am now that he came back 6 yrs ago,just miserable be careful what you wish for ,take care nicole.

Answer 4

Wow! you really loved her! I think you ae making a good start by seeking help. I think you took a bit too long to propose to her, did she know that you were going to propose marriage and if she did maybe she got cold feet and decided to make a run for it. You must have shared common friends i suggest you try and get one who was close to the two of you (this is incase she had no idea about the engagement) and let the person tell her that you were really serious about her. Think back, when you were together is there anything/were there any problems she confided in you that bothered her??

I wish you the very best and happiness and hope that you reunite with your loved one.

Answer 5

Left after buying a house, thank goodness is not leaving you after delivering a baby. Also thank goodness the relationship is only 2 yrs not 20 years. So why so troubled, I think you deserve a better woman. Move on, get to know other girls, why stick on to a girl whose heart is not with you! All the best to you.

Answer 6

First of all i'm sorry you are going through this and i can feel your emotional paid from here. The thing to remember 'grieving' doesn't always have to mean with death, it can be the ending process of a relationship, marriage, job etc. "grieving" is symbolic meaning for 'emotional release' and represents the loss of 'many things'. There is no time frame of when to stop grieving (sadly to say) but the process of slowly adopting new methods of the 'missing in your life' is the healing and stregnth that you'll be learning. Some people grieve for many months and other's seem to grieve for short times, then learn to brush it aside and years later have the fears of loosing it again, and have to grieve all over again. What i tell my students and clients, is that with the grieving, to look for a manual for 'grieving process' or 'signs of grieving' to read. you'll see that the same energy used for loosing someone through death, is the same as relationships. it will also give you steps and refrence number's for 1 to 1 support so that when you go through the 'low' times you'll have the 'support'. Then one day you'll notice with yourself, that the tears aren't there, but alive and healthy...that will also be the time to start with new goals and plans for yourself. Also if you are open to it, the use of lavender scent (oil, candle, incense etc) are natural energy healers of the home. a few times out of the day or after work, sit down with soft music...let your mind wonder (day dreaming) think of walking out in the field where its peaceful and a waterfalls, the smell of lavender candle burning in the background wil help with the release of emotions, and when you go to sleep, it will be a peaceful sleep.(might want to try and place a lavender scent near your pillow so you can sleep with the scent) if you are still having problems with this in a week, please see my website below and contact me through there and i'll help.

Answer 7

Of course you are devastated....anyone would be! Let yourself mourn the relationship. It was an important part of your life that suddenly ended. Try to keep yourself busy.....hang out with friends, take up a hobby, join a sports team, etc. You have to keep your mind occupied to help you get over her and not think about her as much. If things in the house remind you of her, get rid of them....replace them with something else. If you still have love letters or pictures of her - burn them. (It really is empowering to do that.) The hurt will get easier, but you will always have a special place in your heart for her. Accept it as that and keep your mind occupied. Good luck!

Answer 8

Give yourself time. Everyone needs time to heal, that's the way humans are. It's good that you are respecting her wishes, the main thing you should do is what happened when my parents divorced. I know it's not the same situation, but I tried to think of something else, such as work, friends and pets. Having something else on your mind pushes old news out, maybe that will help!

Answer 9

I am glad that you are talking to a counselor but maybe you should talk to a close friend/relative. I feel bad for you but it is best to find out now instead of after getting married and all that. She obviously has problems of her own. She just isn't able to deal with it. You can still be there for her, but take care of yourself first. Don't let her ruin your life. I hope the best for you.

Answer 10

First thing you should know is getting away is not going to heal you you stand a metter chance of healing if you stay were you are deal with it do what you have to do and move on. You can't run away from it it will follow you wear ever you go so you have to deal with in that house.