Should I trust what my husband says?

Question

Eight months ago I discovered my husband was having an affair. I found a photo of the other woman on our computer. He said it was an error of judgement and shouldn't have done it, but wanted to leave the marriage because it was stifling, he wanted his freedom, he wasn't the marrying kind, he found himself constantly thinking about the restrictions of marriage, but when I suggested divorce he said he had no problem being married to me, I am a nice person, he just wanted time away from the marriage. He told me he had finished with the other woman, but there were signs that he hadn't. During the last 8 months he has treated me the way I had always wanted to be treated by him but believed he was incapable of doing. It was amazing. Last week he left, but is making plans for when he comes back etc. He called round on Sunday and went about things as if he was just away on a business trip. Our daughter of 16 is confused and upset. Is he thinking about the money? He says he needs quiet.

Thank you for your answers they are greatly appreciated. My husband had a difficult childhood. His father was a womaniser and behaved irresponsibly towards his family. My husband had to take care of his mother and sister from the age of 12. He told me that he was fed up with being responsible for others, he wanted to dedicate time to himself. He also said that I challenged him and that he couldn't be the head of the household. Five years ago I finally got control of the money I earned. Before that he would manage our accounts and decide when to spend any money. He has resented me for doing that and saw it as lack of commitment on my side. I always paid half of everything, I just wanted to have the joy of making such decisions thats all. He said I wasted my money and robbed our family of our future which he was planning. He says he needs to be away from the house so as to give us the space we need to heal after I discovered his affair. He phones every day to ask if I am ok

Answer 1

Give him some room...If he says he is out of the relationship with the other he probably is....Although he hurt you terribly, his actions are sure to had hurt him too...Guys have a differant way of dealing with these things...Love him, comfort your daughter with love and stability...All and all this may strengthen what your future brings

Answer 2

He's an idiot. Why on earth are you even listening to all this bs? This might help on the cheating issue (the rest of it I can't imagine why you are putting up with) He is treating you like you are some puppy who will just sit in the window and wait for him like a good dog until he decides to bother with you!! Why is it up to him? Anyway here is some cheater info...

first you need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. i saw 7 things that can help you determine this:

Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? (including past relationships, even if its the first time he cheated on you has he cheated on other gf's)

Does he own it (take full blame) or does he make excuses for why it happened?

Does he REALLY grasp the damage he's done to you and your relationship or does he just pay it lip service?

Is he sorry for the choice he made or sorry that he got caught?

Is he willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess he made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or does he want to deny it and move on?

Is it out of character for him or is he insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)

Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did he grow up in a family where this happened? if its what he learned thats a big clue.

Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that he did. you have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok!

Answer 3

Hmmm...let's see...he says he wants his freedom, he admits to having an affair (that may not be over), and he left the house (to go where?), and yet he says he doesn't want a divorce. How strange! Since he obviously has no real love or respect for you or your daughter (otherwise he wouldn't do these things), can you think of any reasons other than financial ones for him not to divorce you? If I were you, I'd be on the phone to a good divorce lawyer, pronto. If you stay in this marriage much longer, it will end up being even more painful when it finally blows apart - and I can almost guarantee that it will (unless, of course, you don't mind putting up with his antics).

Answer 4

Sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like your husband is playing games. Obviously you aren't happy in your marriage otherwise you wouldn't be having trust issues. He had an affair and you are still with him?! NO offense, but are you nuts?!?! Ever heard the old saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater". I understand what your 16 year old is going through. I was 8 when both of my parents cheated on each other and 8 when they divorced. Ended up being the best thing for everyone. You can't make your children happy until you make yourself happy. I think you need to re-evaluate your feelings toward your husband, the pros and cons of being married to him.
If he needs quiet...tell him to go to work....you don't get quiet when you have kids.

Sorry to be so harsh, but goodness, you need to wake up and smell the coffee!

Hope I helped a bit.
Have a wonderful day!

Answer 5

He wants his cake and to eat it too. You have to decide if you will be able to live with this situation. If he cheated once he will cheat again. Ask yourself do you care about the cheating, if the answer is no stay if it's yes leave. Maybe you need to stay in the marriage and find your own boyfriend. Take a little while and think what is it you want don't make a hasty decision that is usually a bad way to go.

Answer 6

The question is not whether he is truthful about his need for space, but whether or not you are willing to accomodate him.

I think that it is time for you to do some serious thinking about what is best for you and your daughter - and leave his needs out of it. If you file for divorce, can you get a fair settlement (my feeling is yes) ? Will your own self worth be affected by his "vacation" ? Will staying with her father in these circumstances be a good example for your child or a bad one ?

Talk to a divorce attorney about what your legal options are, and do some soul searching yourself. Whatever you decide, do be aware that morally and legally, there are no "vacations" from commitments like marriage and family, and that you have no moral or legal obligation to stand for it.

Answer 7

I know you aren't going to want to hear this. But I read your entire story, I first of all believe he is playing you like a fiddle. plain and simple. why ? His calling you is out of guilt and checking to see were you are, as so he isn't caught again. You can't fix him or excuse him from cheating on you. He is very wrong ,I hope that after you read some of these responses, your eyes are opened to the reality of what he is doing. You deserve some one that will be there and not go outside your marriage, YOU are supposed be more important to him than what he has been.
I can't say any more, but this, I wish you and your child the best in whatever decision you choose, and God bless you in your journey

Answer 8

Don't involve the children, sweetie. And you can forget about the marriage, too. He wants his cake and eat it, too and you are enabling him to do that. You are settling for the crumbs and grabage of life that he is giving you.....is that what you are worth? I would dump this guy in a New York minute and take everything that I could for him. Let him have his freedom......then he will see how wonderful life can be. After you found out about his affair and you said he treated you like the way you always wanted to be treated......no, he did not......he still treated you like s*h*i*t but you did not know that. If you don't think more of yourself than you do.......Stop complaining and whining about your miserable life and continue as you are......the choice is yours, sweetie!

Answer 9

you do not play with someone's' head by technique of holding you want them once you're married to some different person. that's more effective like playing such as your spouse's head. also, why might want to you even care about getting regardless of someone you supposedly do not care about anymore, someone you've not considered in 7 years?!? of route he's not over her yet desires to be! He sounds very immature, very shaky, very egocentric. If he by no skill meant to interrupt you, he doesn't have executed this...he's in uncomplicated words sorry he were given stuck. He desires to do an complete turn round and placed an end to this form of verbal replace such as her NOW. both of you also opt to have a severe talk about what the be conscious dedication skill to each and each of you. good luck!

Answer 10

He is probably with that other woman. He just wants to be married and play around. That is what he means by saying marriage is stifling. He got caught and didn't want to get caught or have to end the marriage.