what do i do or say to my boyfriend...he is being a big jerk?

Question

Well i have been with him for two years and i am 6 months pregnant. Today me and him were fighting about giving our baby up for adoption. I really do not want to i mean i think my boyfriend should have thought about this way before and not wait till i was 6 months to say something.It is hard for me because i am already attached to this baby i know that the baby is a girl.I have got so many things for her picked her name and everything...My boyfriend thinks that she will not have a good life and the only reason i want her is because i don't want to be alone.That is not true. But when he asks me other reasons why i want to have her all i can say is that i am going to be her mother and i want to raise her.It is just hard to explain to him why i want to keep her. I am really stressed about this because he says if i keep her me and him will not be together and he will hate me because i am selfish can anyone help me on what i should do or say? I am so upset and stressed over this...Thanks!

Answer 1

Honey, I read this post and your other ones. I am so sorry. I don't know how old you are but you look pretty young. I hope you have support from your mom and dad or other family members.

I can tell you this guy sounds like he is on the way out. If you want to keep the baby, think about doing it completely alone. As in: you have to support her entirely yourself, assume no child support, no one else to babysit, no one to share parenting with. Just you - and your daughter. If this sounds ok to you, then move on to this question: do you want to share this baby with this person? Because he will be able to come in and out of her life pretty much whenever he wants. What if he ignores the two of you for five years and just when you've forgotten all about him, he wants to come back and see her again. Will you let him? Then imagine having to call him every month for child support. Then imagine having to ask his *permission* to take your daughter out of town for the weekend or *permission* to send her to a private school or *permission* to get her tonsils out if she needs surgery. Because that is what you will have to do if you have joint custody. And that is pretty hard to do after you've been doing it all yourself.

Only you can make the decision to keep the baby or give it up for adoption. But it's awful hard to do if you've gone through the pregnancy planning on keeping the baby and in your heart you DO want to keep her. Adoptions are so freaky nowadays, all open and friendly with birth parents and adoptive parents all buddy buddy, I think it would be horribly confusing and heartbreaking for you. However, having a baby will change your life forever and you will miss things that other girls your age are doing. While you will love your daughter, you may resent or regret the opportunities you missed.

Answer 2

Well, before I take either side it would be helpful to know how old you both are. Just because you've been together for two years doesn't mean either one of you is ready to take on the responsibility of a child. It can be very overwhelming at any age.

Other than your boyfriend, do you have any family or friends that are willing to support you and help you out w/ raising this baby? Perhaps, if you're really all on your own, maybe your boyfriend has a valid point. Maybe you need to really step back and take a look at the situation and ask yourself what is really best for the baby? A single mom who's barely making it by or doesn't yet have even a high school diploma (if that is the situation)? Or a true family situation w/ a mom & dad who will love her and care for her as their own & who live comfortable and can provide her w/ anything she may need (financially, medically, emotionally)?

I know it's a hard decision to make, but as a mom you're going to have to make them on a daily basis for the rest of your life. You might as well get used to it.

I truly hope you make the right decision for your daughter...even if it doesn't seem like the right one for you. God bless you & good luck.

Answer 3

I think my perspective is pretty unique, since I have placed a child for adoption, and have also adopted a child. I have contact with my birth daughter, and she has grown up beautifully. She was given things that I could never have given her at the time - my life was very unstable when she was born. Since then, I've finished my education and am much more settled and responsible, and have adopted a child. To place a child for adoption is the most unselfish thing a mother can do - every time I think of my son's birth mother and how she must have adored him, but how she made the decision that was best for HIM, not for her - I get all choked up. That is true love, and that is the love I felt for my daughter when I agreed to her adoption.

Only you know if you are able to provide for your daughter. That means more than love - it means diapers and food and TIME, and a lot of patience and support and being there for her, and prioritizing her over everything else. It means missing out on fun things with your friends and dating. It means that for the rest of your life, you're putting HER first instead of what you may want. If you're willing and able to do that, to make all your life decisions based on her best interests, then you should keep her.

Either way, though, your boyfriend needs to go.

Good luck, honey. Please find someone you trust to talk to. You need a lot of acceptance and support right now.

Answer 4

Don't give the baby up for adoption if you know you can raise the baby. Your boyfriend is just afraid of responsibility. He thinks that you really need him. He can always pay for child support if you're not going to be with him. If you give it up for adoption, you will regret it your whole life because the child will think you abandoned it. In your case, if you do happen to give it up, you are abadoning it upon your own selfishness. Explain to your boyfriend why you truly want the child and why it's important to you. Seems like your boyfriend doesn't even love you! Might as well just get rid of him or something. There are a lot of single moms out there, and maybe you'll find someone else that treats you better and respect your wishes! =)

Answer 5

We as women have to begin to love ourselves more than we love the males that are in our lives, and I agree it is unfair for him to spring this on you this late in the pregnancy, however, is pregnancy or family something you all discussed before you laid down together unprotected? What do you know about his upbringing to understand why he feels the way he does? why does he think she would not have a "good" life? what does that mean to him-emotional stability, financial stability and why would you be lonely if you did not have the baby---there is something there that makes him think that. This is a very emotional time for you already, if you can, you need to find quiet moments alone and just love yourself, find the good within yourself, plan your life as if it will be just you and your daughter---is this something you can handle? after 2 years he is willing to give this all away-sounds like someone is afraid of responsibility and possibly commitment---have you all discussed marriage? why was the relationship okay before the baby-or was it? Children are Blessings, I often times think of the way my life may have been had I not had children---but it seems as it would be unfulfilled if I didn't. You are pregnant with that Blessing for a reason. But keep in mind, it is nothing like a baby doll, and it last forever not just until she is 18 years old :-)

Answer 6

First if you are really sure this is what you want then do it, have you make any long range goals in terms of how you plan on supporting the baby, i.e. job training, college etc.? Secondly it also sounds like he may be trying to intimate you so he will not be obligated to pay child support, as the father unless the baby is given up for adoption it will be his responsibility and obligation and from the sounds of it if you keep the child you will have to go to court and obtain a child support order from a judge so the child support will be upheld by the law and he will be obligated to pay. Child support can not be obligated and upheld by the law without a court order.

I was in your shoes 17 and I knew I could not give up my child, and I didn't. The father was immature and he never did grow up. But before you make a definite decision go to your local health department they will provide free counseling to assist you in making your choice, no pressure in any one direction. It's good to have the counseling and they also can tell you what resources are there for you to assist you should you decide to keep her. Make an informed decision and then do what feels right for you! Best Wishes and Good Luck!

Answer 7

You need to have your baby and keep it....because if you stay with him he'll have an excuse everytime you get pregnant if you don't use some form of birth control. Does he work....because if he get a job to support your baby and then take his sorry *** to court......and let them do a little something called garnishing his wages. That'll teach him to neglect his responsibility....If you're going to do the whole adoption thing I would advise that you do it from the beginning...don't take the baby home for a trial period...but you can do better..you just have to believe that you can....and maybe keeping that baby and supporting it with your income will give you the momentum you need to move on, past, and beyond him.....people say the decisions you make in an instant define your true character.....and needless to say your guy is an irresponsible, immature, self-centered asshole....did i mention that you could do better? How old are you guys anyways? It sounds like teenage drama to me!!!!!!!

Answer 8

You boyfriend is capable of his side of reproduction, but is likely 5 years or so from the maturity of being a Dad. Simply calling him a father isn't the same. At this point he is a sperm donor.

So like it or not the burden will be nearly 100% on you. The baby is yours, it is not his decision period....

Think about this for a minute.... (longer I hope).

If you give up your baby, how much longer will you want this guy around? Not long is my guess, so you lose the baby and him..... If you keep the baby, he will leave anyway. He will hang around a bit, but will just melt away. At least till he matures, then with some luck he will step up financially for you and the baby.

If you choose to keep the baby, please finish school and go to college. It will be much harder now with the baby. But your future and your babies depends entirely on you being willing to go the extra mile. Your boyfriend has already shown he is not willing, he hasn't thought past tomorrow. His buddies are telling him all kinds of stories of child support payments etc. Adoption frees him of future responsibilities.

In all probability you will raise this child by yourself. You will have help here and there. But the responsibility is all yours. He will be gone.

The road you are on is well worn, wet with many tears of mothers and grandmothers before you.

If you give the child up for adoption, there are a tremendous number of loving couples waiting in line. It will be very difficult for you if you go that route.

But you need to be very real; a life is in the balance. Your baby didn't ask for this to happen. If you are willing to do whatever it takes, No matter what to keep raise this child. As you know, that first 16 or so years are tough, your child will fight the same battles you have. Then by all means hold her close.

If being very, very realistic you can't finish school or provide her a life that you see as better than the one you have or foresee for yourself. Then maybe adoption is the way to go.

The really important part here is for you to understand the decision is ALL yours. Lots of people will scream and disagree no matter what you decide. You will feel like all the decisions are wrong.

While there are many places you can go for counseling, use much caution....

Planned Parenthood gets paid to recommend abortion, dead babies are their livelihood.

State run organizations are not much better.

If you do a Google search on "adoption options" you will find many places whose function is to help you clear your head to see all the possibilities.

I have said some very direct and perhaps unkind things regarding your boyfriend. I have known many like him. He will likely grow into a good solid man. But he is a long way from that now.

Do not let pure emotion, his or yours to color a bad decision so you think is a good one. Your baby had no choice here. She depends on you..... Hold her close..... But love her enough to let her go if you see it is best.

I don't know you, but my heart aches for the decision you have to make. Either way it will be ok for you and your baby. That alone almost makes it harder. So decide with care and seek a pro to help with the decision making process. If you have a third party to just help keep your head on straight you will feed much more comfortable with you final decision.

Don't wait, get to some sort of non-family, non-governmental assistance. As soon as possible. Like tomorrow....

I expect it will very cheap to free. So don't sweat the cost.

My prayers will be with you....

Answer 9

I find it really sad to hear that after a 2 year relationship, this guy wants to jump ship when things don't go his way. It sounds as if your guy is afraid of the new baby coming. Sounds like your boyfriend is skeptical about having this baby, maybe he even distrusts his ability to care for the child. I mean why wait until you are six months along and then drops the bomb-shell. A nervous father does have qualms especially when the baby's due date is not far off. Perhaps he's getting the jitters. Honey, the thing is don't let him stress you out for the baby's sake and health. I would suggest that both of you seek councelling and if that's not a choice for both of you I would suggest that you go it alone. For your own peace of mind and for your baby. Remember that you have to speak up for the life inside of you as she can't do it for herself right now. Maybe a separation is what is needed from your boyfriend and who knows after the baby is born he may change his mind. But for right now you have to remain strong and steer clear of stress ( that's why I mentioned counseling) even from a church pastor. Just talk to someone as it will be a big help for you. I honestly don't thing that after two years and staying with you six months into your pregnancy that your boyfriend seriously would consider just leaving you, think about it. I believe honestly that he is going through some pretty tough decisions right now concerning the after-care of the baby and it's giving him the jitters. Relax and try to talk to somebody to relieve the tension your experiencing right now. God bless and seriously hope things will work out for the bennifit of both of you and your new little baby.

Answer 10

First of all, Congratulations on your pregnancy! (Big Hug)

Your boyfriend is immature and not ready to be a father or your partner in raising your little girl. I would assume that you want to keep your baby because she IS a part of you, she is inside you and you love her. You don't need to give him reasons why you want to keep her. He's probably hoping you'll give her away for adoption so that he doesn't have to support her. Test him out and mention that you will keep the baby and he will not have to support the child....see how he reacts to that? I'm sure he'll be happy! All I can say is just take care of yourself and your little girl. You are already her mother since the day she started to grow inside you. Don't stress yourself out. If you're worried that he leaves you, then let him go. He's not worth it. You can find a man out there that will love both you and your daughter as his own. There are plenty of us out there that wouldn't mind having an "instant family".

Good Luck and Take Care of yourself and your baby girl! But I'm curious about one thing, what name did you pick out for her?