Should I move past this problem or initiate divorce?

Question

when my 27 year old unemployed stepson came to live with me and the wife, she said she would leave when I informed her I didn't want to work all day and come home to him wasted and sleeping on my couch at 5:00 in the afternoon. He is the most worthless person Ihave ever met. He abanded his 9yr old son with us for days at a time, all OK with the wife. He's stole from us, again OK with the wife. I finally have him pushed out the door but I can't get over how my wife treated me to always defend him. Should I even try to get over it or learn the lesson that I don't mean sh!t to her and initiate a divorce. We actually get along really well now that hes gone but I have a terrible time moving past how unimportant she made me feel.

Answer 1

Man, I totally feel your pain. I must tell you that I've seen this situation before. It is a tough situation with a very simple answer. The outcome of this uncomfortable situation depends on how strong your relationship is. I highly recommend counseling. I would not throw away a good relationship because of a dead beat 27 year old. A good counselor would quickly point out the fact that he is an adult and that he is interfering with your marriage. Keep in mind that we strangers do not know the whole story. Therefore, go to counseling to clarify your thinking and to get some options. Good luck.

Answer 2

I strongly agree with most of these responses. I don't think you divorce a woman over this..but it could be a sign of a bigger issue between the two of you.

Of course the mother will usually side with the son. That is natural. However, that son you describe needs his *** kicked. I would not have put up with what you did. I don't know if it wouldn't have affected.

Get some counseling. Talk more. You can't fix your wifes warped view of what is acceptable. She obviously does have a son with immaturity. It isn't rare. She just doesn't know what to do. She is just duplicating something that she did before she knew you.

Fact is that a loser becomes a loser and you can't change them. They can only do it themselves. I support toughlove. I wouldn't do a thing for that son. And I have one...so I am not saying it because I am not a mom. Love is not giving a kid everything they want.

Be a good husband. Recognize that the son isn't your problem. He is full grown and shouldn't be hers either. But you have this huge yoke on your neck either way.

Your wife owes you more than she gave you though. Gosh, I would have trouble in that situation. But be wise, pick the battles carefully. Remember you don't love the son....and she is blinded by her own weakness.

Learn to love more. Even the "most worthless person" you have ever met. It is all about respect. She needs to respect you more. Give her more to respect. Afterall, it is earned.

Answer 3

Marriage always has challenges. This was yours. The important thing is how are YOU going to deal with it? If it wasn't this, I guarantee it would be something else. I say, GET OVER IT. LET IT GO. MOVE ON and see if things stay on an even keel for a while. If they do, you will eventually fogive and forget your insulted little ego about this and you will be fine. If that happens, you still have a great wife whom you love and you are a better man for having controlled your egomania. Please take my advice. I am sure you will thank me for it if it all works out ok. Remember, I repeat, IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING. It could easily have been something a hell of a lot worse. Like,,, wifey had an internet affair,,, YOU had a mid-life crisis affair and got caught,,, etc. etc. etc. etc. You get the idea. Count your blessings, that will probably help...

Answer 4

Of course you mean something to her. You're her husband. But this is her son we're talking about, and of course he's important to her too. Because he's her son, it takes a little more for her to reach a breaking point.

Consider this...perhaps your wife was okay with having the grand son be abandoned because if it came down to either (a) having the grandchild watched by loving family, (b) have the grandchild watched by some other people who might not be as loving, or (c) have the grandchild tag along on whatever escapades her son is going on, then of course A is the best answer. Being okay with keeping her grandson safe is not the same as being okay with her son's actions.

You sound jealous of her son. I'm sure you were aware that he existed when you got married, and I'm sure you were aware that kids are pretty important to their parents.

Granted, she's made some poor choices. But if her son is declaring that he needs her help, and her husband is yelling at her when she gives it, then she has some very tough choices. I think the two of you need to go to counselling. She needs to learn where to draw healthy boundaries with her son, but you also need to learn how to cope with his presence in your life.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

I think a mother will accept a lot of BS from her children.It seems to be the nature of mothers to defend their children no matter what.It's too bad her son seems to have taken advantage of her kindness,instead of taking responsibility for himself.If you could try to get past this episode,it would help out your relationship a lot,as well as let you let go of some resentment.Maybe you could talk calmly with her to lay down some groundrules,and to let her know how this made you feel.Perhaps she is unaware of the effect this has had on you.I don't think this alone is enough to give up on the relationship/marriage.Good luck.

Answer 6

You have to understand that he is her son. Most parents would never turn their children away in time of need, no matter what their disposition in life is. I don't know if you have your own children with her but when you do, you will understand too. Your wife on the other hand is going all about it the wrong way. She seems to be too tolerant of her son's problems and is actually perpetuating this kind of behavior from him. Either way, it's a tough situation but it doesn't mean you were unimportant to her. Just understand that she is always going to be his mother and if you continue to fight her on this, there will always be problems. Communication with her about what you would and wouldn't put up with in your own household is important here.

Answer 7

That is a hard one. A mother will die for her child. But some mothers have a hard time defining childhood. When the child leaves the home to go to college, work, marry, or whatever, they are on their own. Not to say you cannot be their for them if they need you. But you need to draw the line when they are not helping themselves. She should tell her Grown son that he is causing problems in her life and he needs to grow up. I agree with you that you should come first in this situation. He is a man. If he was a child, that would be a little different.

Answer 8

You certainly should not rush into a divorce. Did you discuss how she made you feel? It is probably more about him being her son than her not caring about you. Women can be ridiculous when dealing with their children. I agree that you should not just stand idly by if you feel that way but I dont think its worth a divorce. You two need to have a discussion about this and you need to set some boundries with this situation. But if you want her to listen you cannot go about it angry or upset. She'll be even quicker to defend her position if you tell her it's her fault (even if it is) I dont think its so much what you say as how you say it to her.

Answer 9

You don't say if she was his mother. I assume so.

It is very common for parents of a troubled kid to disagree. I know I lived it. My X , yes now my X lived in a place called denial.

I am not divorced. And my troubled son is dead. And his dad is still in denial.

She was sticking up for her son, I suppose. Hoping to mother him back to his self worth. Wanting him to be well again.

If the two of you still love each other then work on the marriage.
I would say if you do, you will have to agree to NOT let the kid back home no matter what. Get her the book...tough love.

I wish you all things well.

Answer 10

thats her son, he does come first, but if hes 27 yrs old he shouldnt have been living with his mother, that would make him a momma's boy, hes unresponsible for leaving his 9 yr old son, did he even check on his son at all while he was gone? If you feel that she doesnt respect you, then theres no reason to be trying to make it work. if u love her work it out, and try talking with her, communication is what a lot of marriages is lacking, which leads into divorce.