--- I need your views on this poem. for some reaso it feels unfinished and I can't pin-point why----
She sat there behind me
craddled in mothers arms
quite as a mouse
If the world could be this peaceful
Tiny eyes warm the heart
gurgles and smiles
steal the soul
If the world could only see her
Putty for hands
as soft as a pillow
a heart warmer than a quilt
she doesn't budge
If the world could have such compassion
Her eyes see colours but not in colour
for her tiny heart is free
love purely
If the world could only be so open
Awed by all she sees
nothing is old
nothing is useless
If only the world could have such wisdom
Should the world be as a babe
then paradise be found
warm,open and honest
embracing the differences
unscared by the hatred of the unknown
of ourselves
--- maybe I should split it into two poems. I don't know.
bf's been nagging me about how I have my piece all over the place so I'm putting them together. plz help. greatly appreciated--
2006-08-15 17:16:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
My only recommendations are that you fix a few of the spelling errors ("quiet" as a mouse, "steals" the soul, "unscarred" by the hatred of the unknown), make sure punctuation is correct (put a space between "warm," and "open"), and possibly add a question mark at the end? It's your poem, and if you don't want punctuation at the end, that's cool, but you might consider the impact it'll add. Totally up to you.
I really like it though! Very insightful and well written.
2006-08-15 17:28:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It be nice but rememebr you promise.
2006-08-16 00:20:53 · answer #2 · answered by Totoru 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its great the way it is
2006-08-16 00:21:13 · answer #3 · answered by changeling 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very nice.
2006-08-16 00:38:19 · answer #4 · answered by Art The Wise 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its lovely
2006-08-16 00:19:53 · answer #5 · answered by hatingmsn 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋