Do you think children would be better off ....?

Question

Do you think children would be better off in a traditional family (Married Mom & Dad) that has a depressed mother screaming to get out of the closet & can barely take care of them OR have no mother at all?

I have a married "straight" childhood friend that has battled depression for 16 years unsucessfully. She has come to terms with the fact that the experimentation in college was not testing the boundaries, only opening new doors. She craves women, but is guilt stricken and still loves her husband. She has 2 small beautiful children (well behaved) that she screams at constantly and is extremely mean to them, even in front of me. I have never know her to be abusive. I am afraid of the emotional abuse she is inflicting on her children. Somedays, I have to go to her home to get her out of bed, and make sure the kids have eaten & dressed. It boarders on neglect and I am heartbroken. She asked me if she should just leave for the children's sake? Please help me, help her...

And, no, there isn't a counselor anywhere near the area that specializes in gay or lesbian issues. Her husband works 2 hours away & on weekends, so marriage counseling is out of the question. Yes, she is on medication...this is as good as it gets. I don't know what to do for her other than adopt her kids?!

Her husband knows of her sexual preferences and is loving & supportive. He feels helpless just as we all do. They are agnostic. Both raised in strict Roman Catholic households...she would be hunted and crucified if she came out. Our town is not that small. ( We have a NFL team if that gives you a clue the size of our city.)

Thanks everyone for your encouragement!!

Answer 1

In this situation, I would reccomend that she come out to her husband. That has got to be hard enough as it is.

The husband has some choices:
1. Accept and love her for who she is.
2. Deny her, and divorce her.
3. (Most hopes) End the marriage peacfully so she can pursue her life. Visitation to her children, and family should be in the picture.

She needs to come to terms with her life, and if she is cruel to her children, she obviously shouldn't hang around them.

As for the husband, while he is at work he needs someone to supervise the children. Someone who cares for them, and will treat them better than their mother. A nanny? (all of this assuming divorce)

Things need to change, and she needs to live her life. If she needs to not see her children, then so be it. The childern should be able to see and contact her.

Also, may I reccomend that she take some time off away from all of this?

Just by herself in the world for a week. This may show her how important her family is, and what she needs to do for the best of them.

I hope I have helped,


Russ

Answer 2

You might be suprised how many therapists are gay and lesbian affirming. Even if they don't advertise that fact to the whole community, the vast majority of therapists I know are very sensitive to gay issues. So, there may be someone helpful to her that is close by. If not, find a church or other religious group that accepts gays and lesbians. Their clergy are generally good.

I've known people in the same position, and they are much happier now that they can be honest about who they are. Their kids, I believe, have had better childhoods because their parents are able to focus better on them once they have their own issues resolved. But, your friend has to make her own choices. Is her husband doing anything to help?

Answer 3

I feel for her, as this is a really bad situation. The best thing she can do is sit down with her husband, and tell him the truth. Afterward, they should discuss seperation and how to best raise the kids from there. Good luck!

Answer 4

she has to get help no matter what

its a good thing that you help her out with the kids

god bless you for being so nice to her

Answer 5

Sounds like she needs to consider the option of Inpatient psychiatric hospitalization.... in a real town...cause doesn't sound like where she is living is even on the map... they can get her stabilized... and make sure she is progressing before she is discharged home... they can work out things like after care... possibly hook up her with a counselor who is in a near by town, a peer to peer support group or maybe even a church that offers services like "mothers day out" where moms are able to come in , in advance check it out and if they are comfortable enroll and on certain days she will have the option of bring her children to the church and leaving them in the supervision of church members who remain there on site for a few hours and take care of them for her while she is able to have some personal time...

She needs to worry about getting stabilized on meds first...
Some antidepressants can make some types of depression or mood disorders worse.. You need to convince her she deserves the chance to be happy... she has the right to be properly treated medically..and she does not have to settle for a method of treatment that is obviously doing her no good...

She is going to need alot of encouragement. Her having depression is going to make "fighting" for her right to receive proper medical treatment seem hopeless.. with symptoms of depression it can make simple tasks like getting out of bed seem like the impossible... Just be there for her... tell her you care about her well being as well as the well being of her children..

If you are around her and she is being abusive of neglectful of/to her children you may tell her something along the lines of " I know you feel bad right now, and I know you love your babies more then anything.. but your babies will be affected by these things for the rest of their lives" Assure her that the depression is not her fault but if she really wants to she CAN get better if she chooses to become an active participant in her recovery... and that if she cant initially make the effort for herself...then to start out by doing it for her chidlren... in time if she sticks with it she will recover enough to where she can make the effort for herself...

That being said... if you have any reason to believe the children are in danger of neglect or abuse.. Friend or not... you owe it to those babies to take action that is in their best interst FIRST....
Contact someone who can check in on them... Seeing as her husband is prolly aware of whats going on and isnt taking action I would try and contact a family member of hers... explain to them your concerns....what you have observed... they may get defensive.. maybe even angry... But they will have been made aware of the situation... If it continues after contacting a family member or another friend of hers....then you need to take the next best step and contact your state child protection agency..

hard hard situation... continue to stand by her if you can... if you get to a point where you can not... pray about it...ask for guidence... contact who you need to to make sure they are safe...and turn it over to god and let him deal with it....

sorry this got so long...
Best of luck.. you are a really good person to stand by her and her family...