am i a horrible person?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 1 year. We have a 2 year old which we had before we were married. I have gained weight since my pregnancy and I have had a problem getting it off. It seems like he doesn't care anymore. We are in counseling which we just started. My husband wants more "family time", but everytime I try he is either too tired from work or is just lazy. So all I do when I get home from work is clean. he does nothing to help me , but cause messes for me to clean up. so tonight i asked him to go out and go disc golfing (something that he really enjoys) as a family just the three of us. and as soon as I was going to get him after work he called and said he was going with his friend discing, No sorry or inviting me with. So now we go through the phase of not talking to eachother because he hurt me and I told him that but it all ends up being "my fault". so he won't talk to me until I talk to him first. this is our relationship all the time. is it me? does he not love me

Answer 1

you're not a terrible person at all.

I wish I had an answer for you that might be more helpful, but based on what you're saying you've done nothing wrong.

stay strong!

Answer 2

Well, it sounds that you both have to work together and make sacrifices and come to "mutual understanding". He does seem to love you and your child, but maybe he doesn't know how to be a Father? Or maybe having a child before marriage was a big change to him? You're a young family, and all families have problems. I must say that it was rather rude of him to go out with a friend, but he's a guy and he needs "me time" too. You should sit him down sometime and explain to him that he hurt you instead of the silent make a schedule where it works for everyone. Maybe remind him that he is in fact a Father and needs to take on some responsibilities. But, also tell him that that doesn't mean that he can't have "me time". You both need time to yourselves.

I hope I helped....

Good luck, by the way! ^_^

Answer 3

He needs to love you for who you are. What if you got in a car accident and you looked different than you do now but it is something you can't fix? Are you sure he is out with a male friend? Has he ever done this before? These are questions you need to ask yourself. My husbands ex-wife told him she was "running the track" except she was cheating on him. Maybe invite yourself to these things that he is going to do that you already had planned. Just show up. You have every right to be there. Then you could see his reaction. Don't blame yourself, but you do need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. The first few years of marriage are very hard. Both of you are trying to figure out the future. If you truely love him you will stand by his side. Maybe he just has some thinking to do. If you are very young it can be hard to jump into adulthood with out getting the playing out of your system. If you are meant to be together it will work out. But don't put your child through something that is unneeded. If you are struggling to survive under your own roof that is not healthy. Keep your head up and know that you are a wonderful woman and be proud of yourself. At least if you decided that marriage was not for you, you could walk away saying your really tried everything before you walked away.

Answer 4

He most likely still loves you. It would seem that you are a young family. Having kids slows things down. Perhaps he hasn't embraced his role as husband and father. He wants to live in that bliss of single, careless youth (not bliss really). Those days are gone and even through divorce (hopefully not) they will never be the same. It's up to him to find productivity in his life now. He may feel he has nothing to show for his life, and as true as it may be, sitting on his *** all day will not help him improve.

Solution? Invite friends over, let him feel important around his peers by hosting them. Get an online degree going, so he has something to show for his time other than his print on the couch. Maybe volunteer somewhere so he can help and see those who are truly in a bad place.

He may feel like he can never become the man he wanted to be. He has to grow up some more and become a man of action, pray for him and make him clean up after himself. He makes that mess too!

Answer 5

I believed all the answerer so far are ladies,some of you underestimate your weighs problem ,this is one of the main reason plus may be you're not dress nice as before,and obviously he's not ready be a " family man "
That's not your fault,he's a self- centre man but I'm sure he still love you ,just need some time to adjust.What I suggest that you should talk to him ,tell him your feeling and listen to his feeling,communicate is very important for a couple,don't wait too long,who cares who's doing the talking first.
On the other hand,do exercise and dress nicer even at home,keep some your secret,occasionally,pick up something in-front of him and etc.
But this is your part ,he has to take care his,how ? Communicate !Communicate! Communicate !
At last ,don't blame yourself too much.
Good Luck !

Answer 6

It's not you hun, he's an ***. Men ALWAYS try and turn things around on the other person so they don't feel guilty, classic male behavior. You may wanna get out now, before you have ten years invested in hopeless marriage. Bring up the idea of counseling, maybe he will go for it, if he won't help the relationship, i relaly don't see a future, he can find someone else to emotionally abuse and take for granted!

Answer 7

I do think he loves you, but its obvious he is avoiding you for some reason??? I dont think its the weight, either. That could be used as a great excuse, but I refuse to believe that would cause the problem. I do believe that you are very self-concious about your weight gain, and possibly cause home- life for your husband to be very difficult and frustrating.

Get a plan to get the weight off. You cant walk around making everyone in the house miserable because you have a poor self-concept about yoourself. How can you completely love your husband when you dont even love youself???

Answer 8

You are not a horrible person. I think that their might be a problem with him. You think its your weight, but I think your fine. If he married you and took them sacred vows; then he meant that he loved you for who you were then. It means their is something else going on with him that he's not telling you. Talk to him and tell him how your feeling and if he still doesn't get a grip of family life then it may be time for you to say, BYE! Not forever just until he can figure out if he wants his friends or his family.

Good Luck!If you need a friend just send an e-mail.

Answer 9

I`m sure he loves you a lot. Maybe something is stressing him out a work, or maybe he just needs an attitude adjustment. People only treat you how you let them treat you, and you`re letting him walk all over you, so in a way it is you, but just not in the way you think. You can`t tolerate that or you will never have a happy marriage, if he leaves because of that, than as hard as it is, you`re better off without him, because its better to be sad for a while and find someone else than it is to be unhappy for the rest of your life. The silent treatment is childish, and it won`t solve anything, and talk to him, and give it your best effort. Don`t get angry because yelling rarely solves anything. If he continues then take some drastic measures, because you have to straighten him out. Tell him that if he doesn`t stop you`re going on a vacation alone and so he`ll have to spend sometime with his child. If you won`t stand up for yourself, then stand up for your kid because he/she will end up thinking that their father doesn`t love them. Believe me, you don`t want that to happen, my Uncle recently cheated on my aunt, and his five year old daughter is convinced he doesn`t love her and wouldn`t care if she died tomorrow. Young kids don`t understand that its not about them, they feel like everything he does to you is because he doesn`t like them. Your child is too young to think like that now, but she won`t be forever. You`re husband has to understand the importance of being an active part of his child`s life. Its not just a rumor that kids without parental investment are more likely to turn out criminals. If you`re going to let him walk all over you like that, then just remeber that your kid is majorly effected too.


P.S., tyrawooley is right, and I don`t mean to critize her for a great answer, but just don`t start thinking that loosing weight is the answer to all your problems, because its not! Loosing weight will help your self confidence, which will make you a lot happier with yourself, but it won`t change pathological behavior, and it you haven`t been mooping around, then his attitude has appsolutely nothing to do with you and you`re going to have to either fix it or leave. Especially if the child is a boy, because children look up to the same-sex parent and his behavior will be a lot like what he sees his father act like.

Answer 10

No way of knowing your ages but it sounds like immaturity. Perhaps he isn't ready to settle down and be "the family man". This is why it's always a bad idea to have babies at such an early age. However, age doesn't always play a role. Some ppl just never grow up!

Answer 11

It's not much of an answer but did you guys date before you married? Did you rush into having kids? It sounds to me like he didn't have his fun first before he got married. You guys didn't have enough alone time. Counselling would probably help. You have a child now so you have to do it for him/her. Good luck.