If she owes me money....?

Question

do I return her things?
My step daughter has lived with us for several months and was asked to leave when she was most disrespectful to my husband and myself and she refused to comply with simple rules (no boyfriend in her room after the family was in bed...I have two boys ages 9 and 12) and she refused to attend college or pay rent. We realize she is a troubled young woman (now age 21) and have left the door open for her to make amends and pay back the $465 dollars she borrowed. When she left, she also left much of her belongings. She is now moving in with her aunt/uncle and two small children. They are fixing up the basement for her and without getting into all the details about what a mistake this is going to be (uncle is an alcoholic/wife batterer and the aunt is thinking she's got free babysitting) I know my step daughter is going to want her stuff. My husband wrote a letter to the aunt/uncle asking them not to interfere but they will do what they want. So, if she owes me $?

it really isn't about the money. It's just that we offered to pay for her to go to school at the state university of her choice and she refuses. We offered to help pay off college loans and take care of her car so she can commute to school and she lied to us and dropped classes. We really have nothing to insist that she get a job or go to school because she tells us she hates us and curses us for not letting her live her life without accountability or responsibility. She is a very troubled, beautiful, talented young woman and we see her walking down a road of self-destruction. She can't begin to take care of herself and moving into this dysfunctional family (aunt and uncle) will not help her grow up. I'm glad my husband wrote the letter to the aunt because if they want the benefits of slave labor then they have to be willing to parent her. The letter was intended to state the facts and offer once again to pay for college if she will just go!

We offered therapy for herself or to go with her dad....and pay for it!!!!!!!

Answer 1

First off I'd like to say I'm sorry that you're circumstances seem so bleak now. Hopefully it's just her age and leftover teenage angst that's causing the problems. I think your husband and yourself have done the right thing by asking her to leave....there has been a line crossed and although it must have been horribly difficult for you to make that decision, the peace and well being of the younger children it was a necessary "evil".

I wouldn't hold back her possessions as punishment, they are her things even if she does owe money. Write another letter to the girl re-stating the generous offer of an education and a roof over her head ONLY if she will conform to the rules, and clearly state that you expect to be repaid. You might offer her (whether she moves back or not) a payment plan for the money owed. I wouldn't let that one go...like you said it's a matter of teaching responsibility. Every other move you've made has been the right ones so I don't see letting the debt go. Remain adamant but calm in regards to it. I've got my fingers crossed that she quickly finds out just how good she had it and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I think you'll see the money back once she matures and gets a taste of the other side.

Kudos to you and your husband........a lot of parents don't follow through or teach basic morals and life lessons tempered with the "tough love" you're showing here. Your step daughter will be a better person for it, even if she doesn't know it yet. Much luck!

Answer 2

I wouldn't return her things...that seems very backhanded. If you NEED the money back...you probably shouldn't have lent it out in the first place and just said "Sorry, can't help you." I think at this point I would call it a "sunk" cost...meaning you are NOT getting it back and selling her items would just make the situation a whole lot worse for everyone.

She does seem VERY troubled (indicated by trying to find sanctuary in an abusive home) but she is also an adult. A parent can only offer (and coddle) so much before a 21 year old realizes that they are responsible for their own life. Of all the things you offered to do for her...you should have offered her therapy (not a joke). It sounds like she could use it.

There is the concept of "tough love" and maybe that is something you and your husband need to look into. Without knowing the details of her entire life and family relationships...she may need to just figure this all out on her own and come to grips with it.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Boy, the Aunt and Uncle will soon know the reason of why you all kicked her out. Don't be a dropping ground for them when they call you complaining. You tried to warn them. People should learn that if someone was kicked out it was a for a reason and when others take them in then it becomes their problem. Her Aunt and Uncle will be posting on YA soon asking how to ask their neice to move out. I will be laughing along with you when they do it.

As far as her stuff goes drop it off at the Aunt and Uncles or send a letter to their address stating she has 30 days to pick it up. As far as the money goes, write it off because you know she is not going to pay it back and take it as a lesson learned to not do things for her in the future.

Good luck!

Answer 4

LET her have her things!!!!!!! Men are crazy. You have the power.. Don't be a step Monster. Be step mother.. That kid has feelings too. That was her dad before he was your husband.. I can't stand for people to be mean to there step children. I am a Step Mother.. And, I know i have the power.. But i don't use it. My husband is very good to my children. I wouldn't have it any other way. What kind of step mother, would you want for your children? Like you? Not!!!!! GROW UP. Quite being jealous. That's her dad. Men seen to forget the other children. I'm not preaching something, I 'm not doing myself..

Answer 5

It sounds like the only "trouble" with her is she is spoiled and lazy. Let her be on her own for a while. Can you say "wake-up call"? She will find-out there are no free rides in the world. A very good life lesson. As far as your money...Take it as a life lesson.

Answer 6

sounds like a downward spiral.... tough love works sometimes.... doesn't sound like the grass is green on the other side... she's adult that needs to grow up... she fits into the "eyes of our future" that's scary..... good luck.!!! apparently your pissed off and hurt by her action, but that only means that you do have love for her ... best of luck, maybe she needs a good as* whooping... crack open that can!

Answer 7

Wow. Go seek help somewhere else. Don't ask the world a question like this.