A strong gust of wind pushed at the boy, making his brown hair flop from one side to the other, and sending shivers through his body. He was wearing a bulky gray coat, bundled up inside it as if there was no end to this autumn cold. His eyes were of a piercing green, almost glowing in the dusky light of the evening. To passersby he seemed nothing more than a poor boy, no older than fifteen, wandering the streets to avoid going home. In the uncaring city, this was one of many ways of life.
But the boy seemed determined as he pushed through the icy gusts of wind. Winter was coming on quick, snow threatening to split the sky, windows already laced with frost. He passed a couple walking arm in arm, laughing, with their heads close together. He pushed away the sight of it, and plodded on. He darted across a busy street, dodging cars carelessly, as if he didn’t care if they hit him.
Standing on the other side of the street, he stared up and down the row of dusty storefronts. A bakery, a hair salon, a thrift shop, a butcher. He shook his head, muttering something. Then his attention fell on the last shop on the street.
A sign swung back and forth, a plaque of lacquered wood hanging from rusty hinges. It read, in crooked lettering, “House Of The Mystic Arts”. A star, painted as if an afterthought, was its only adornment.
The boy’s eyes filled with light as he read the sign, and he was immediately running to it, as if nothing in the world could stop him from getting there. He slipped through the scattered groups of people, shouting barely-heard apologies over his shoulder as he ran.
He reached the storefront, a plain window that lacked cleaning or care. Inside, he could see a dark room, and a teenaged girl with wild chestnut-colored hair standing behind an antique desk. Her eyes were sapphire blue, and they met his as he peered into the store.
Then, the boy slipped inside, pushing the heavy oak door and stepping into the dark room beyond. He could not hide his excitement.
2006-08-15 14:22:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
This, by the way, is the prologue to a story I'm writing. (I'm about 80 pages in, but didn't want to bore you by posting the whole thing!)
Anyways, please be honest and constructive with your feedback!
2006-08-15 14:23:15 · update #1
Sweet Dreams: Yeah, I changed it to "muttering barely-heard..." since, well, that actually makes sense!
I'm putting chapter one up on my website soon, once it's in "working order". (The chapter, not the site!)
2006-08-15 14:32:19 · update #2
My site is still a freebie and not that great. (Seeing as I just started it today!)
http://www.freewebs.com/enchantedcheesecake/
2006-08-15 14:47:12 · update #3
I think it's really good. I wasn't expecting much when I first opened your question and wasn't sure if I was going to read it, but you caught me. Maybe you should slow it down a little, though. You seem in a rush to get to the crux of the story. I'm not sure if I'm saying this right. Make me see the city. Get me intrigued by the boy even more than you already did. You have good visual description, but not much sound or feeling descriptions. Are you going to post the whole story somewhere? I'd like to read more.
Thanks!
2006-08-15 14:33:30 · answer #1 · answered by Skylark 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tosseling his hair, rather than making his hair flop, would read better as well as" he was bundled in a bulky grey coat , the late autumn chill deemed winter closing in." Would that possibly suit better?
2006-08-15 22:41:25 · answer #2 · answered by ladyvincicode 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whoah that's really good I put your site on my favorites and I'm gonna read your story it's cool...keep up the good work and when you sell your book I'm a buy it....reallly you are a great writer!
2006-08-15 22:06:19 · answer #3 · answered by MGM 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its alright.
and just a question, how can you shout something that is barely heard?
I
I
V
"He slipped through the scattered groups of people, shouting barely-heard apologies over his shoulder as he ran"
2006-08-15 21:27:43 · answer #4 · answered by Sweet Dreams 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey.
First off let me tell you, wow, that was very nice. The description is great and I can imagine myself as that boy. Hmm, amazing.
However, by any chance, I'd like to read the rest. Thanks!
- Maryam
2006-08-15 21:31:14 · answer #5 · answered by piercing integrity 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whell, whell, I look what else is here, and who do I come upon to? Now I feel like meeting an old friend...
This must be destiny!
Could you, please, send me some more of your text to
uroskorguser@yahoo.com? I'm too interested in it now!!!
2006-08-15 22:09:58 · answer #6 · answered by Uros I 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When and Where will you post the rest??? Makes me want to read more!!!
2006-08-15 21:28:59 · answer #7 · answered by ktterdfurguson 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Interesting.
Very nice details, also.
Good work.
2006-08-15 21:33:05 · answer #8 · answered by fallingstar3796 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that's a good story, I'd also like to read more...
2006-08-15 21:40:24 · answer #9 · answered by angelus 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats nice. keep on truckin.
2006-08-15 21:28:25 · answer #10 · answered by tiffany 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋