Please read my prologue and share your thoughts...?

Question

A strong gust of wind pushed at the boy, making his brown hair flop from one side to the other, and sending shivers through his body. He was wearing a bulky gray coat, bundled up inside it as if there was no end to this autumn cold. His eyes were of a piercing green, almost glowing in the dusky light of the evening. To passersby he seemed nothing more than a poor boy, no older than fifteen, wandering the streets to avoid going home. In the uncaring city, this was one of many ways of life.
But the boy seemed determined as he pushed through the icy gusts of wind. Winter was coming on quick, snow threatening to split the sky, windows already laced with frost. He passed a couple walking arm in arm, laughing, with their heads close together. He pushed away the sight of it, and plodded on. He darted across a busy street, dodging cars carelessly, as if he didn’t care if they hit him.
Standing on the other side of the street, he stared up and down the row of dusty storefronts. A bakery, a hair salon, a thrift shop, a butcher. He shook his head, muttering something. Then his attention fell on the last shop on the street.
A sign swung back and forth, a plaque of lacquered wood hanging from rusty hinges. It read, in crooked lettering, “House Of The Mystic Arts”. A star, painted as if an afterthought, was its only adornment.
The boy’s eyes filled with light as he read the sign, and he was immediately running to it, as if nothing in the world could stop him from getting there. He slipped through the scattered groups of people, shouting barely-heard apologies over his shoulder as he ran.
He reached the storefront, a plain window that lacked cleaning or care. Inside, he could see a dark room, and a teenaged girl with wild chestnut-colored hair standing behind an antique desk. Her eyes were sapphire blue, and they met his as he peered into the store.
Then, the boy slipped inside, pushing the heavy oak door and stepping into the dark room beyond. He could not hide his excitement.

Give constructive, honest, thoughtful comments. No flat out I love it or I hate it. Tell me exactly what you think.

Maggie Rose: I'm glad you think that way. I was going for a mystery feeling...you'll find out in chapter one...hinthinthint...

Thanks for the suggestions. Some of my writing friends have nicknamed me "Wordy", so I know where you're coming from! LOL!

Uros I: I agree with you, but the reason I left out his reason for entering is because it is explained in chapter one (and also more in-depth in chapter two). I wanted the prologue to be very dark and mysteriuos. However, I do admire your suggestions about the "dodging cars" part, since I was a little uneasy about that even as I was writing.

Also, I wanted to let everyone know I just hit page 80 on this thing! Which means it's time for an ice cream break...

Guitar Picker: I thought so! I remember my grandfather correcting me on that one when I was about eight, and he was a newspaper editor so...

Also, in case anyone was wondering, all my questions about character names about a week ago were referring to this book. The "mystery guy" is named Adam Faylson, though it was suggested to me that the last name needs some works, so that's another job to be done...

The chestnut-hair-girl is named Holly Lakefield. Decided to keep that one.

Answer 1

I like what you have to say - many of your descriptions are strong. "He shook his head, muttering something. Then his attention fell on the last shop." This is a strong visual, although I would leave out "on the street" at the end of the last sentence. Some of what you have to say is, to me, a little too wordy (not a lot, but a little). It makes me want to skip a sentence to get to what is happening. For example "Her eyes were sapphire blue, and they met his as he peered into the store." You might try something like "He looked into the dark interior, and met the sapphire blue eyes of the young girl behind the antique desk." Its hard to pull out a sentence and make it work, but you get the idea. I would try to shorten this by maybe 20% - consolidate a few of the images and it will be more readable. I like your style, and I think this has real potential.

Answer 2

The style is a bit 'dry' for me - when you describe, for instance, how the boy was dressed, you should try connecting it to the situation - instead of 'he was wearing a ..... coat, bundled up inside it...' you might consider something like ' The endless autumn cold was pressing him hard in his bulky gray coat.'. And almost the only thing I did was to change the order of words in the sentence! Also, avoid repeating same phrase in a small space (such as ''as if''). The only way you could get away with this is if you would use some phrase as an effect - but that is more like poetry for me (like ''never more'' in E. A. Poes poem ''The Raven'').
Some facts you present, like 'dodging cars carelessly....' would maybe be better if presented indirectly: '...he saw lights of cars speeding pass him while he moved, slowly, with his hands in pockets, toward the sidewalk...'. You don't tell me that he doesn't care about a car hitting him, but I can see that from his behaviour. Make the reader think a bit.
Finally, why did he run to the shop - he is cold, hungry and alone - it doesn't seem likely that he would pay much attention to the sign, or anything else! I know you wanted it to sound like destiny called upon him, but maybe destiny can work in other ways - maybe he got too cold and had to seek a shelter; maybe some street punk chased him in there. If it was destiny, it would have found a way - have the patience to think like destiny!
These are some advices that seemed important to me. I've noticed these things because I write something myself, once in a while, and those are the things in my writing that I don't like. However, I generally liked this prologue and I would very much like to know what will happen later on. Actually, I'm quite curious....

Answer 3

A most descriptive prologue, but too wordy as Davis suggests. I concur in the recommendations Davis has offered by doing some cutting and trimming. The prologue is laden with dead wood.

Rather than telling the reader who is waiting for the boy in the dark room, place some mystery person there. Sapphire eyes and chestnut hair are descriptive, but can the boy actually see that in the darkened room?

Break up your longer paragraphs in two so that the reader doesn't tire so quickly. I forced myself to continue reading.

Otherwise, you write well, but need to cut and trim when necessary. Avoid writing passive sentences; stick with action verbs. Know the rules of including punctuation with ending quotation marks--all but the semicolon, the colon, and the dash are inside the ending quotation marks.

The ending disappointed me because I was expecting some sort of mystery guest waiting in the darkened room. Nevertheless, I like the prologue and insist you polish it.

Thanks for sharing it with us.

p.s. You are correct; the word passersby is the correct spelling.

Answer 4

I loved it, and if your book were in a bookstore, I would definitely buy it after reading the Prologue. I wish there was more because I really want to know what happens next. What made him want to go to the House of the Mystic Arts? etc. Good job, coffeekitten13! I hope I can find this book in a bookstore one day.

Answer 5

Couldn't stop reading. It's so interesting! You have a great sense of writing. This has so many great details, that I could picture the scene (not perfectly like in a movie because things I read don't always come up that way, and pictures appear foggy in my mind.) This is great. You have got to tell me which book you're writing and when it is coming out. I'm sure I won't be able to stop reading it.

Write to me telling me about this story. My e-mail is: [e-mail]

Answer 6

It is intriguing and makes a reader want to turn the page. There are a lot of descriptive adjectives which is the first thing I noticed, and they somewhat distracted me, but I am by no means a literary expert just saying what struck me.

Answer 7

Is she hot or cold? Cuz I need to see what she looks anyway. Sounds like a BBC film but interesting go on than.Did she get a tingle too? Just wondering.

Answer 8

Honestly - if you can write like this, quit posting it on this site and go to an on-line writer's workshop. You're just asking to have your accomplishments jacked.

Answer 9

I'm sorry, but I'm not really good with expressing my thoughts about something in writing, but who IS this mysterious boy??? I really have to know more!!! I sense something "otherworld" about him, an amazing build up of anticipation in this,

PLEASE write more!! I want to know who he is, why he is, and what he is going to do.........

Answer 10

its really good, dont get offended but,

how about when he looked at the window he saw a girl, but could not clearly see what she looked like (cause of the darkness), then when he got inside the girl looked up to welcome him but no words came cause she got cought in his piercing green eyes and him in her sapphire ones, they gazed at each others eyes and wanted that moment to last but.....
.......i dont know? you think of the rest.....i ran out of ideas~,~





anyways...txn for sharing it, it was really good...really...