How do I balance my marriage and our families?

Question

I recently got married (July 1st Hooray!!!) and we have a lot family drama that occured shortly after our wedding. My husbands parents are filing for divorce. My Grandmother is currently being hospitalized for a heart condition. My Aunt suffers from dementia and needs round the clock care. My husbands mother is suddenly relying waaayyyyy too much on my husband because she doesn't have hers anymore so she calls constantly. And those are just the main problems!!!!

My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and engaged 3 years out of the 6 1/2. Our relationship has always been strong but we haven't really spent anytime bonding as husband and wife because we're always away from home helping someone else. Is this how marriage is or should we back off from our families? I don't want these outside distractions to ruin our marriage. HELP!!!

Answer 1

Take it from someone who's been there.....
My first husband and I were raised in similar families......the kind where EVERYTHING revolves around family, you share every moment together and are extremely close. This is a good thing......for the most part. BUT.......when we got married, we just continued to live the same way. Both of us were not allowed to have "space" from them. This is to be expected in Italian AMerican families and you get a major guilt trip if God forbid you want your privacy. But I can tell you this........the lack of "boundaries" was a MAJOR contributing factor in our divorce. You are right to be concerned.
The fact is, that while you feel all these things require your attention and are extrememly important (which they are), your relationship with your husband is the MOST important.......because without that, none of these problems can be resolved by you together. You need a strong, well nurtured relationship to take care of everyone else's needs. Set aside time for yourself each week........and keep that day religiously. In my house (with my new husband) it's Sunday. Sometimes, we do choose to spend it with extended family for leisure purposes, but it's OUR choice. We never let anyone infringe on our Sundays, and trust me it works. Dont' feel guilty about it, don't let people question it. Just do it. It's important and perfectly within your rights to have that. You deserve it. There will always, always be things pulling you two apart. And they will if you allow it. Lay down the rules to all those you mentioned........set times they can call, or see you if you have to. If they get upset, too bad. I was always worried about ruffling everyone else's feathers.......and because of it, I lost my own feathers, so to speak.

Answer 2

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this, especially right after the wedding! But you will make it through. Right before my hubby and I got married, he got very ill and spent weeks in the hospital and had home care up until a couple of weeks before the ceremony. (We are celebrating 12 years this weekend) It will make you stronger, it's just a matter of prioritizing and setting limits with those around you.
Perhaps you can set aside one night a week that is YOUR night. And let the family know as well that on Tuesday nights for example, it's your night off and you are not available unless it is an absolute emergency. Or find a way to sneak in a lunch date a couple of days a week. But you need to try and set aside time for the two of you.
The other advice I can give you is that it's ok to say no. If it is something that someone else can handle, you can hire out, whatever, it's ok to pass it onto someone else!!
Good luck!

Answer 3

You are in the same situation as a new couple with children. Keep in mind that there "wants" should not replace your "needs". It is gonna require a lot of planning and dedication to the plan. Your families are going thru some real issues that you may feel obligated to help. Set a date plan for personal time where the phones are turned off and no visitors are allowed. Keep the focus on what has kept you together for so long. Congratulations and Good Luck.

Answer 4

Are we related? Your family sounds like mine! Anyhow, plan date nights, We have a child and my husband is in the military so our marraige can easily take a back seat. By going out once a week, it all about you as a couple. turn off the phone, get out of the house if you have too. Make sure you both agree that aside from the house buring down (hopefully never happens) Nothing from the outside is going to distract you from each other that night. Also, make sure that you both are communicating. VERY IMPORTANT.

Marraige is not easy, it takes 110% effort from both of you to make it work. And in the end, laugh!

Good luck and congratulations

Answer 5

Welcome to the real world. This is a good example of why so many marriages fail. You both have a lot of responsibility to your families and I think that you would both be just as miserable if not more so if you weren't doing right by them. You two hopefully have years and years ahead of you together so just endure this hard time as it won't last forever. Start making plans for small get aways together so you have some alone time as that is important, and start making plans for a bigger get away for some time in the future. Doing this will bring you closer and give you hope and realization that things won't always be this way.

Answer 6

You should always support each others decisions regarding family. I suggest you talk to him and tell him how you feel and that you want to have him all to yourself right now because your newly weds. Keep in mind that there will always be family that need you and depend on you but you 2 have to come first to each other.

Answer 7

Well, you can look at it 2 ways, you can keep helping out the families and put the relationship on hold, or you can tell them to take a hike, and you two get on with your marriage.

Answer 8

I think that one day you should go do something together and forget about the family but i think you should also still take care of your families because trust me you will be spending a whole l0t of time with him(you have the rest of your lives together)

Answer 9

well, obviously you've been together for quite some time.. helping your famililies shouldn't interfere with your relationship.. but I have to admit that maybe the mother in law should back off a bit...